Three years ago my marriage was in a bad place. We were like strangers living under the same roof. We have come a long way since then, but I know that there are still some obstacles in our marriage that prevent us from having the full energetic exchange that a relationship needs in order to thrive.
On the surface, my wife always said that she loved me as much as she ever did, and that there was no trust issue. However, her body was saying something else. For the past few years, when we are having sex, my wife has always been very open and relaxed right up to the point where I am ready to go inside of her. Then she seems to tense up. She tenses up so much that sometimes I simply cannot get in. Sometimes I can manage to catch her by surprise and slip in quite easily. Thus, I know that it is not just tight muscles (which is her explanation). I know that it is a matter of trust. There is a line in the sand that she is reluctant to cross. She is reluctant to open up and let me inside. I think that this goes way beyond the obvious physical connection of penis and vagina. The physical is just a metaphor for what is happening on deeper levels.
In the past I have tried to engage this issue on the purely physical level with little or no success. Lubricants do not really help and it does not seem to matter how much foreplay we engage in. It is not a matter of her not being aroused enough. It is a matter of trust and willingness to fully open herself to receive.
I was inspired by the book to try an experiment and it seems to be working beautifully. I tend to wake up before my wife does. I lie quitely in bed until I sense that she is awake. Then I roll over to her side of the bed and cuddle up with her. This is something that I have been doing for quite some time. She always complained that when I do this, I make it impossible for her to fall back to sleep. In hindsight, I can see that I was somewhat needy about this cuddling in the past. I was desperate to feel close to her and was trying to draw energy from her to reassure myself that she loved me. Nobody enjoys feeling like another person is clinging to them for fearful reasons. Thus, I can see whay she was not enthusiastic about those cuddle sessions.
Now things are different. I cuddle up to her and I relax as much as possible. I then consciously open myself and will my masculine energy to flow to her. I can actually feel warmth flowing from me to her. I can also feel her relax and soften in response to it. After a while I feel something coming back. I feel myself relax in response to what she is sending back to me. This is an ecstatic exchange of energy.
I have been doing this experiment for a few weeks and it has been getting stronger and easier. The energy flows feel more powerful and get established more easily. This morning was especially powerful. I felt several large waves of energy flow over us and both of our bodies shuddered when it happened. At one point we had a back and forth thing going that was totally intoxicating. It got so strong that my wife sounded like she was going to have an orgasm from it. Her breath got into that rapid, shallow pattern that she always has when an orgasm is coming on. I was curious to know if she could actually get an orgasm from just cuddling, but then I decided to back away from that. I consciously ramped down the energy that I was sending her and her breathing immediately went back to its normal pattern. Neither of us said anything during this whole time. I eventually rolled away, got out of bed and started getting ready for work.
A while later my wife came down. She looked like she had been thinking hard about something. She said "I like this morning cuddling thing that we have started doing." I told her that I agreed. It is a nice way to start the day. She said "We go to bed at different times, so it is nice that we have this time to ..." Her thought kind of trailed off at that point. I said "connect?" She said "Yeah, I guess that is the right word." Then the kids came down and we got busy with other things.
I think what is happening here is that my wife's internal resistance to deep love is dissolving. Since I started this experiment I have noticed that she is much more openly affectionnate throughout the day. When she hugs me, it is not a quick squeeze and release. She nestles right in and stays there for 20-30 seconds. She will often give me little kisses for no reason. I am sure that if I asked her why she is doing that she would not know. There is nothing that she can point to logically that would explain why she wants more intimate contact with me. I am not "doing" anything that would explain it.
What I think is happening is that the energetic cords between us are becoming much bigger and energy is flowing through them much more powerfully than ever before. When I cuddle her the energy flows in huge waves like nothing we have ever experienced before.
We have not had intercourse for a while (for various reasons). I have decided that I am in no rush to bring that back in. I think that this cuddling exercise is really opening things up in our relationship. There is major reconstruction going on in our energetic connections. I want that exercise to complete what it is doing first before I try to take things to to the sexual level again. When sex does come back in, I have a feeling that it will be a whole different level of experience than it was before. It is my expectation that the huge leaps forward that we have made at the energetic and emotional level will result in a much more relaxed and flowing physical experience of sex as well.