What the inebriated refer to as a moment of clarity. Still with some questions.

Submitted by WhySoCurious on
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I wasn't exactly sure where to post this, so please forgive me if it's not in the right section. If it's not in the correct section I would appreciate some advice on where to correctly place it, because I desperately want some feedback on it :)

I take the (no doubt) all too familiar form of a 27 year old guy suffering from completely crushing ED, depression, social anxiety and the like. I was a habitual heavy marijuana user for upwards of 10 years (though as it stands I haven't smoked in several months and do not plan on doing so any time soon) and have been chronically masturbating to internet porn for somewhere around the same portion of time (probably a little less though, in my younger years I would only use my mind). Varying from 1-3 times a day, though not necessarily every day.

My lifestyle throughout this period has been characterised by it's extremely sedentary nature, particularly the last 6-7 years, whereby I have basically entirely ceased physical activity outside of the sort of menial tasks we all perform each day. My diet has been terrible, and over time I have turned from a perennially fit "sport-a-holic" into an unshapely lump! Unfortunately I have had little to no intimate contact with women/men since my adolescence when I suffered no problems with ED, but who does at 16-18, right? :P (I am bisexual, though not openly, something I have only discovered relatively recently - mostly I find crossdressing and androgyny appealing, far more so than "men themselves", sexually at least) However, this lack of sexual contact has presented me with a problem in that I feel I am unable to correctly diagnose the cause of my ED.

Though as I write this I had previously abstained from PMO for 7 days, lapsing once today for one quick and thoroughly unsatisfying wank, previously I had noticed a distinct lack of quality in my erections, even while watching pornography - they would be weak and often difficult to maintain. This is a problem that I believe started around 4 years ago now, but was something I had always attributed to drug abuse (I did take cocaine/ecstasy etc as well as marijuana constantly throughout my university years and earlier) in particular marijuana use. Despite all this I have found myself at times able to produce a full erection, though usually relatively fleetingly. The problem has however gotten progressively worse and I certainly feel (though perhaps mistakenly) that there has been an element of the self fulfilling prophecy about it all since now I am almost totally consumed by my fear that there is no possibility of recovery. It's probably worth mentioning that at one stage (when i was still smoking weed) I was so arrested by these thoughts that I actually became completely incapable of erectile function of any sort, which in a strange way gives me hope since I am now capable of erections again, if only weak in nature.

Some months ago after findng myself unable to get any kind of erection (as described above) I went to the doctor suffering from panic attacks, severe paranoia and the ED itself. I had some blood work done and it all came back normal (getting on for hypertension, but not actually in the range, my reading was also somewhat "white coat syndrome" induced) and since then I have at times been able to achieve decent erections despite no attempts to abstain from pornography (though they have never been comparable to those I had when younger and sexually active). However I never have morning wood,, nor wet dreams and am rarely able to achieve an erection without pornography for stimulus (and even then, they are weaker than they "should" be).

Well, recently something happened which has spurred me into action, in a sense. Through sheer dumb luck I came into contact with a guy/girl (who happens to be a crossdresser, with some considerable gender dysphoria) who I am totally smitten with (Peronality-wise I adore this person, I am not talking purely of sexual attraction here, in fact the pull of their persona is far, far stronger), but due to my entirely Unpredictable and often non existent libido, coupled with my ED struggles I am extremely worried at the prospect of meeting this person,(we met online, through porn site actually, I know it makes your heart just melt! :P) All that said, it has given me the motivation to improve myself to the best of my ability. Having been addicted to online games, masturbation and becoming socially awkward and unhealthy for years is not something easily reversed but I am determined to do it, regardless of whether a reboot is right for me. It's also worth mentioning that the prospect of this person (not purely sexually, but in general) has left me aroused at various points though often in a confusing way (50-60% erections, incredible amounts of pre-cum/semen leakage, not based on fantasies, just the prospect of this person in general is so appealing to me)

Which leads me on to my final question - does my case seem to be an appropriate candidate for a reboot? I realise that may be difficult to say, but reading the stories on this site, it certainly sounds like it could be. The thing that worries me though is that with no frame of "real-world reference", I wonder whether my case actually implies an underlying physiological problem, rather than something which a reboot can fix., I definitely want it o be the former but please share you honest opinions with me, also feel free to ask any questions that may help you to give me advice!

If you made it this far I genuinely thank you for taking the time to read this, it's been pleasantly cathartic to set it down on virtual paper. I have never discussed this with anyone (and I am certain there are details I have omitted that may be relevant) so - having been a prisoner of my own thoughts for some time - it feels good to finally get it "out there", even if it's to anonymous people :)

Regards, WhySoCurious

welcome

your story isn't all that unusual with the guys here. Experience shows that the thoughts that seem to bother you and prevent erections will disappear if you reboot successfully. It takes time but it does work.

It's a great move quitting the marijuana. That is a real good step.

This person you are meeting and the excitement about that, could be good or could be problematic. Your anticipation is a high dopamine type thing and hopefully you won't be disappointed.

Best thing you can do is avoid all porn, masturbation and orgasm, and all fantasy, for at least 90 days. Your life will become very different as you progress.

 

 

Good luck on your journey

You might also find good advice on this forum: YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

Remember, balance is the key, and novelty can give the brain a real "drug" high...especially the novelty of a new potential partner who seems "hot." Just take it slow. Your brain will be changing for months as you unhook from porn and pot.

I actually came out

And told this person today, we are discussing it as we speak. I certainly hope they won't be a negative influence in my recovery because I really like them, not in a novel sense - we do connect in a real way. I figured the only way to approach this was to explain what was going on in the hopes they would be sympathetic.

Well

They were extremely receptive and understanding, so that's put my mind at ease - in fact while talking to them about what might happen in our "relationship" (not sexually) i got like a 80-90% hard on. Not sure if that's good or bad though, ultimately, lol

Small update -

8 days since I posted this and I've more or less been a good boy :p Have definitely looked at some images (though briefly, infrequently and only of the person I mentioned previously) as a sort of "test". So 1 lapse of masturbation in 15 days (as mentioned in intial post) since then, nothing. Trying to abstain from fantasy too, some minor lapses in this department (but really only very momentary slip-ups, flashes, if you will).

No morning erections, very limited "activity" morning-wise full stop. Perhaps some minor enlargement (30%ish hard?) but nothing much to speak of. General sense of despair and distinct lack of desire. Finding it difficult to separate my lack of libido and worries that (as you hinted at Marnia) the novelty of attraction to this person is wearing off, though I don't want it to, so I suppose that must be proof of it being "real" in a sense? I don't know, definite confusion on that front.

Exercising more/eating less, (better too) trying to read more instead of playing video games etc. Finding it very difficult to stay positive though, I am an exceptionally depressive person at the best of times and this is like falling down the rabbit hole. With no strict timetable I'm wondering at what point it might be a good idea to see a doctor, if i don't see improvements in at least the morning wood stakes? Certainly not contemplating that just yet, anyway.

Still able to speak with this person on a regular basis anyway and they've been remarkably receptive to discussing it so at least that's still there as an outlet. Thanks for listening (if you have! :P)

WhySO -

I'm sorry about the depression

Internet addiction studies seem to be confirming that depression can be the result of addiction...not necessarily the cause. I just say that because it means you may well see improvement in that symptom as you continue. I think you need to give it a couple of months to see if your brain rebalances. Gary's chronic depression disappeared after we got together (gradually). Was his depression tied to too frequent ejaculation (he wasn't a porn user, but he certainly liked solo sex...and quit cold turkey to try karezza with me)? His alcohol addiction (which also ended shortly after we got together)? Who knows? But his mom had it too, so he expected to be stuck with it for the rest of his life...and yet it disappeared.

So be optimistic. But realize that whatever your symptoms moodwise, they're likely to be worse while your brain is fighting you on giving up an addiction. In a weird sort of way it may help to read what other guys experienced during withdrawal, so you realize you're normal. Smile

WITHDRAWAL

And if you need inspiration:

BENEFITS

*big hug*

I've been "listening"

best to really avoid images and fantasy and testing altogether. That all seems to cause the brain not to recover as quickly. And that's what it's all about. I know it's difficult but it's much better if you can do all that (avoid those things completely.)

Thanks to you both,

I will do my best to be even stricter! I know in my heart of hearts you're right Emerson - I will make a bigger effort to avoid images all together :) As for the fantasy, I can't really do more than I am. Consciously trying to eradicate it to the best of my abilities, but occasionally (if only for a very brief moment) I catch myself drifting off.

Feeling a little happier today, trying to focus on other things. Helping someone else to stay positive kind of forces me to not be such a negative prick! :p Anyway, thanks again. It means a lot to me and (i'm certain) everyone else that posts here that you guys are listening and reassuring! Hopefull I'll have some progress to report at some point in the future :)