Haven't writtin here in a while. A lot of things happened. My girlfriend broke up with me 1,5 month ago :( I think in the end it was all due to my porn addiction. And perhaps not even porn, but my addictive behaviour in general. I haven't accomplished a single thing in two years that actually helped us move forward as a couple. I'm still in college, with the same marks I had two years ago since my mother passed away.
I can't even remember the last time I was on this site it has to be about 5 months now or even longer. But I just wanted to come back and give an update on what's been going on in 2015. Well I can honestly say that I am HAPPY. I am SO happy to have my peace of mind back its crazy. I never thought I would get back to this point but I am! It's crazy how I don't even think about it anymore it's all like it never even happened. The depression, the anxiety, the mood swings it's like my brain has come full circle again and every facet is in alignment.
I relapsed the other day and it had been about a year since I'd viewed porn. The weird thing was as soon as I was getting an erection it just felt un natural or fake. I was and still am very angry at myself, yet I saw this coming with the summer job I agreed to do. It's long hours and choppy sleep (4 hours here and 4 hours there). I'm also stuck on a 80 foot ship for 80 days so I'm going a bit nuts. Thankfully ive become really close with the housekeeper on board the ship.
Desire and need seems to be a central part of my personality. I function quite well in the world but in the vicinity of my Isadora a great hunger grows in the core of my being.
She is most attracted to me when I threaten to leave our marriage. This is not a good situation.
Seems to be working. Although I get hungry for touch, I haven't felt the intensity of starvation. Of course, my feelings and progress toward karezza healing is up and down, but more like waves of the ocean, not a roller coaster. When she was agreeing to let me fuck her, I would be sated for 3-4 days. Now I want a good meal daily. Ann Rice's vampires speak eloquently to the dilemma of this hunger. My last good meal was Sunday when she called me to her bed in the morning and we spent 20 minutes in contact...just 4-6 10 second hug snacks and peck kisses since (today is Wednesday).
As I explore the local First Nations community, I'm seeing the effect of power politics and how fearful of them I am. As a white male I tend to be viewed at the top of both the racial totem pole and the gender hierarchy. What is often ignored is that white males were once small babies and very much at the bottom of the power hierarchy. Our need for healing is often unconscious and when exposed, often unwelcome and unsupported.
So I joined this forum back in early 2012 I believe. The past 3 years have been a time of tremendous growth for me. In all honesty, they may end up being the most important 3 years of my life because of all of the long term implications that come with self improvement. I had gotten to a point where I was free from porn/porn related activities, but I was still unhappy, and I was still struggling with relationships. I ended up reading a book, I'm not sure if its on the yourbrainonporn.com, but if it isn't, it definitely should be.
Well, I've blown it again last night. When I went to bed, my cravings became kind of overwhelming and I did it again. Of course I could have resisted, but I didn't want to. Of course I don't like the fact that I have to start at square one again now, but that's the way it is! Just now, I felt like I would like to get some relief again, but I tried energy circulation instead - and I will keep trying. The thing is that my brain is wired to get this kind of reward, and it's so hard to break this cycle!
Well, it looks like I'm finally making some progress in breaking out of my isolation. The way I'm doing this kind of took me by surprise and is stirring up matters in need of healing that I thought I'd never have to face.