This may be weird, so thank god for anonymity and don't read further if you aren't ready for weird : ). Also might not be in the right place. I'll present my own 'revelations' in the order they came to me, the most recent being delivered via Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. For the record, I MOed last night with minimal fantasy after going 30 days PMO free, 3 weeks PMO straight before that period (ended by dream), 3 weeks PMO free before that (also ended by dream).
First, my sexuality. Till puberty I was happy and well-adjusted to my reality. Come puberty I started liking strange fetishes, cross-dressing, humiliation, etc. I got off on erotic fiction, transsexual pornography (took a number of years to get into this), crossdressing, erotic audio and hypnosis, chatting online, just a lot of weird shit. I never really approached anyone looking for a connection, relationship, or even a date, because my fantasies were so different from what I saw in a normal relationship. I was an attractive, intelligent, charming guy, but my sexual perplexities led me to become increasingly introverted and to avoid a lot of normal social interaction.
Come senior year of college (yeah.) I still hadn't dated anyone, hadn't kissed anyone, and felt pretty depressed. My friends convince me to go to a rave and do ecstasy for the first time. Anyone who's done that understands how your hangups sort of disappear for a few hours. Anyway it seemed like it broke down a barrier for me, letting me believe that I could have something normal in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. I went to another rave a few months later and met a girl. We fell for each other, while drugged, and so began my first real relationship and the most messed up time of my life.
I dated this girl for 9 months or so. Whenever we would go to have sex, I would get extremely turned on just by seeing her and touching her. But then the clothes would come off of both of us, or we'd start having sex, and my erection and all desire would disappear. It was horrible. I could get off sometimes through fantasy (thinking about my own feminization or humiliation), or occasionally I'd feel so in love with her that the love alone was enough fuel to have quality sex. But 90% of the time sex resulted in failure.
This is when I started getting desperate and idiotically creative. I thought I could fix my problem chemically. Caffeine and alcohol became sex tools for me, and when that didn't work, I moved onto erectile disfunction drugs. I did not inform my girlfriend about this. The erectile disfunction drugs had an awful effect on me, giving me headaches and lots of strange physical problems, but I was dedicated to making this work. The ED drugs did not work.
At this point, I figured I was either gay or a transsexual or something stranger and sadder. After lots of horrible, painful experiences with my girlfriend, we finally broke it off. I started seeing a therapist and doing my own research on my condition, all while being pretty depressed. I tried going out with a guy once, a transsexual once as well, but there was zero chemistry whatsoever.
My therapist at this point (who I had chosen because she specialized in gender issues) was leading me to believe I was transgendered. I liked this idea, because it was a huge turn-on to me, but something inside me saw it for what it was--a sexual turn-on rather than an identity. I stumbled across a term- "autogynephilia"- referring to a sexual fetish or orientation where you are oriented towards the female inside of yourself/ feminizing yourself. This was one eureka moment- it gave me some legs to stand on against the view of me being a transsexual.
But this was followed by sadness. In all my research, I found no autogynephile who escaped their fetish. All of them either ended up closeted fetishists and crossdressers as adults, or ended up living as women. I went to a support group of these people ("transsexuals" who I believe were autogynephiles) and it was the most scary and depressing thing I'd ever seen. I did not want to become that. But what options did I have?
At this point I was close to transitioning, at least in minor ways, to living as a female. Hormones were the first step (man my therapist was a crazy bitch), and I was nearly ready. It was such a turn-on to think about my body transforming like that.
At this point, I randomly got in contact with a girl I knew from school who was now living across the country. We had a flurried romance which worked better than my last relationship but still fizzled out pretty quickly. The details aren't important, but it saved me from making a very bad decision. It also left me a depressed wreck : ).
At this point I got into taking care of myself and ditching all my bad habits. I dropped all alcohol, drugs, and other bad habits (besides orgasm;)), and began researching nutrition. Besides leading me to a much healthier diet, this also inadvertently led me to Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. Which made me wonder if the whole fetish thing was really inevitable, or if there were even a "normal" sexuality underneath my perversions. What is sexual identity, and what is sickness?
So this journey has been a little over 2 months now with attempting to control my orgasms. At times it's been impossible, at times it's felt like the easiest thing in the world. It's interesting because pornography was only one of my ways of getting that sexual dopamine rush. Other things, like erotic fiction, crossdressing (or even just fantasizing about my body turning female), talking to women online all played a role.
Thoughts on where I've been and where I'm headed?
P.S. I read the Sacred Fetish article (http://www.reuniting.info/science/paraphilias_the_sacred_fetish), and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for writing Cupid's Poisoned Arrow Marnia, and for putting together such great websites, Marnia and Gary!