Day 2 - The chicken or the egg

Submitted by majime on
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Hi guys, I've been lurking this forum for quite a while and I think now it's the time for me to join you all in this journey to recovery. I'm not a native English speaker so sorry for any mistakes.

So, my story:

I've been masturbating since I was 5 or 6. I don't even know how I started doing it since up till that moment I never had any sexual desire at all. Hell, girls probably disgusted me at that time. lol
All I know is that I found those very suggestive, sexy ads in a magazine and... Touched myself down there, I guess?
It felt good so I obviously started doing every time I could. It went from those simply ads to actual Playboy, Dial up internet porn and now infinite options with high speed net.

As I look back to my life, my biggest problem was never feeling like doing anything and never feeling truly alive. People kinda bored me and when they invited me to do things I honestly never felt like going out.
I always thought that was just the "way I was" and there was no easy solution.

For years now I've been suspecting that PMO was one of the causes of my depressed state. And YBOP finally made it very clear for me.

I'm 21 years old now and I live a life that was build without any kind of true effort. I think the only thing that made me accept it as it's was PMO. After all, after a long day at work I could just "forget it all" by mindless browsing the internet for porn.

Now... The ever present negative voice in my head just keep saying that it's not PMO the problem. I'm the problem. Yes, I could change a little by dropping it but I've been "this guy" for so long that no matter what I do, my life will keep sucking. People won't suddenly forgive me neglecting them.
My biggest fear is that I've been masturbating to fantasy for so long that I completely screwed up my brain and that I'll never see life as people with balanced brains see it.

I think the longest I went clean was 5 days. Lately I've been on and off PMO like crazy. I can tell that I feel different but not exactly changed... Usually I go back because like I said, it seems like it doesn't matter.

Well... I wanna try for real now since I'm already posting this here. lol
Thank you for your time. Good luck to all of us!

I know how you feel. At the

I know how you feel. At the moment I am probably looking with grey-tinted glasses - I have of course felt inspired, motivated, confident, and capable at times in my life.

Give it time. It's a rollercoaster that swoops and turns when you least expect it.

.

[quote=life-cubed]I know how you feel. At the moment I am probably looking with grey-tinted glasses - I have of course felt inspired, motivated, confident, and capable at times in my life.

Give it time. It's a rollercoaster that swoops and turns when you least expect it.[/quote]

And it's such a hard thing to motivate yourself to do something positive when you're feeling down... Which in turn brings more sadness. It's really a freaking cycle.

You'll recover

The recovery time is typically 3 to 4 months, with 4 months being for guys 18 to early 20's who started PMO when they were 11 or so. Install K9 Web Protection. It's customizable and will work 100%. You may have some setbacks or relapses with MO (using K9), but will learn from mishaps and make further progress the longer you stay away from PMO. Since you've read many posts on here then you likely have an understanding of the many things discussed. Make checking this site a daily habit along with other productive activities and you will recover sooner than you think possible!

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." - Bruce Lee
This quote is what it's all about!

Feel free to

start your own blog. Have you sniffed around at YBOP? Lots of useful information there. http://yourbrainonporn.com/

Someone recently said here, "I thought I was a pessimist, but actually I was just an addict." So you may not even know who you are under the addiction for some months. Just don't believe any of your analysis of your life until you reboot for a few months.

Are you exercising? Meditating? Socializing? Can you get some other support? This can be tough. But you may be very pleased with the outcome.

Thank you Marnia. I'm

Thank you Marnia. I'm actually here because of the YBOP video series. It saddens me that before finding YBOP almost all the videos that I saw made porn seems something normal that "all guys" watch.
You and Gary were the first ones that really put the real, cold facts on the table.

I'm not doing any of the activities you mentioned besides socializing. I'm feeling way more positive than before though and I can tell that I'm starting to feel like putting my fears asides and just go do something! :)