Hi guys, I've been lurking this forum for quite a while and I think now it's the time for me to join you all in this journey to recovery. I'm not a native English speaker so sorry for any mistakes.
So, my story:
I've been masturbating since I was 5 or 6. I don't even know how I started doing it since up till that moment I never had any sexual desire at all. Hell, girls probably disgusted me at that time. lol
All I know is that I found those very suggestive, sexy ads in a magazine and... Touched myself down there, I guess?
It felt good so I obviously started doing every time I could. It went from those simply ads to actual Playboy, Dial up internet porn and now infinite options with high speed net.
As I look back to my life, my biggest problem was never feeling like doing anything and never feeling truly alive. People kinda bored me and when they invited me to do things I honestly never felt like going out.
I always thought that was just the "way I was" and there was no easy solution.
For years now I've been suspecting that PMO was one of the causes of my depressed state. And YBOP finally made it very clear for me.
I'm 21 years old now and I live a life that was build without any kind of true effort. I think the only thing that made me accept it as it's was PMO. After all, after a long day at work I could just "forget it all" by mindless browsing the internet for porn.
Now... The ever present negative voice in my head just keep saying that it's not PMO the problem. I'm the problem. Yes, I could change a little by dropping it but I've been "this guy" for so long that no matter what I do, my life will keep sucking. People won't suddenly forgive me neglecting them.
My biggest fear is that I've been masturbating to fantasy for so long that I completely screwed up my brain and that I'll never see life as people with balanced brains see it.
I think the longest I went clean was 5 days. Lately I've been on and off PMO like crazy. I can tell that I feel different but not exactly changed... Usually I go back because like I said, it seems like it doesn't matter.
Well... I wanna try for real now since I'm already posting this here. lol
Thank you for your time. Good luck to all of us!