I think that

Submitted by bamazi on
Printer-friendly version

I may have stumbled on something that may help people that are having difficulty abstaining. Quite simply if you break your abstinence then you must not eat for at least 1 and a half to two and a half days. From my past experience now I think this is a rapid way of helping your body recover and keeping you from relapsing. Eating after orgasm really throws the dopamine much more off balance. This is not to say that when your resume eating you are back where you started but your body has a better chance of resuming the original restoring process. I know this has worked for me but I would be interested to hear from people who are still trying to abstain.

not as extreme

as having orgasms once you realize what you're doing to yourself. This is not supposed to be penance for the guilty indulgence but likely the best and most effective way to recover from the dopamine roller coaster short of taking massive supplements. Everyone really needs to get to that week 2 point just so they can taste how much their body system has been duped and how it has relied on this rush for soo long in order to bizarrely enough even out their dopamine. Our modern diet generally wreaks its own havoc on our system so if a person is having difficulty controlling their sexual impulse then not eating is the only realistic way to at least start countering the effect. It might seem drastic but you soon realize that if you are orgasm addicted a fast like this is quite tolerable given your body system's dopamine being disregulated.

its a new

approach I'm considering, go ahead and have your orgasm indulgence as long as you are also prepared to abstain from food. So there's the choice food or sex :) you decide which price you want to pay to start fixing your system. Most will usually find that abstaining from food will really slow the sex drive and will automatically try to find a good diet plan which will help keep their dopamine level in check and thus make abstaining realistic.

Very creative

Diet is so important. A friend who got a degree in religion at Cambridge University said that the Desert Fathers (early Christians) who were endeavoring to remain celibate found that diet (and perhaps fasting...I'll try to get her to find out) was extremely important.

To be sure, I don't think celibacy is actually the ultimate goal here. (Had to put in my usual plug for union!)

no celibacy is

not the goal, union is but union is not a cure. It is the ultimate manifestation of our best energies coming together but if one or both partners are disrupted then they will manifest that with probably even bigger ramifications. Is this part of growing in union ? a part of relying on each other ? I cannot say. I just see that the greater investments we make in self-preparation for union the greater that union, rushing into union to escape the challenge of self-control/abstinence can be just reaping for disaster.

Not a cure

Right on the button Bamazi. Union is the goal but having an infection running rampant in your system AND jumping into union is not healthy. Basically you and I have a big problem. I know if I jump into union, or bed, or anywhere near a naked woman at this point, I am done for. Hopefully I will get this under control, but it's one day at a time.
Here's the crux for me:
You don't hear anyone telling an alcoholic to go to a bar and just not drink because you know (and we all know) that socializing in a bar without drinking is SO much more enjoyable than the cloud of alcohol. We all understand that the alcoholic can not do it. Not yet at least.
So no disrespect Marnia, you have held a candle and a goal out to us, but to tell us that the best way to get better is to go back into sex and just not orgasm because that is better in the end, is not safe yet. I hope it will be. When I am more in control of myself (more intune with myself, more balanced etc) then I truly want to taste the fruit of union. And I KNOW that will be healthy and better for me.
I can't do that yet.
Here's another experience of mine -
I was a drunk. I was drinking probably for the same reason as I then got into porn, I was balancing out my need for higher dopamine by drinking. I had to abstain. I did it for about 3 months before I ever entered a bar or had a drink. Now I can have a drink when I want to. I have to be clear every time that I am not going ot get back to this on a regular basis or to fix anything. I just drinking because I like beer and enjoy an occasional buzz. Sometimes I slip closer to the edge, and then I just get the beer out of my fridge and abstain for a few weeks and I'm back to OK.

I feel that my sex issues will be the same. My plan is to distance myself from orgasm. Get control over it. Know that it does not control me. And know that I don't need it and feel better without it. I need to feel the joy of life without the cloud of orgasm.

Only then will I "re-enter the bar." Only then will I have the strength and will power to enjoy it safely without addictive behaviors.

Thanks Bamazi, you hit it for me.

I have no intention of fasting but I get where you are coming from.

Yeah, yeah :-)

First let me say, that it's great that you find us women so delicious in person. *bats eye lashes*

Second, I just want to recount a story that I have before. I don't think it's the exception. It hints at what makes the union of the sexes stronger than willpower and celibacy alone.

When I got together with my husband he was not in relationship, and had been on his own for several months. According to him, he was a 4-5 orgasms a week guy at that point. Then we began the Exchanges (anyone not familiar, have a look here: http://www.reuniting.info/science/ecstatic_exchanges_and_neurochemistry).

Of course, both our nervous systems went into overload with "honeymoon" neurochemicals, just as they're designed to do. This is the type of feeling you're talking about when you say, in effect, that you would just explode if you got near a woman. So I know exactly what you're talking about. Not only that, I know it SEEMS like anyone would just get hornier with each passing day of affectionate contact with a sweetheart.

However, that is *not* actually what happens. I know it sounds miraculous, but I have seen this miracle more than once, and I'm not just making it up. If you make sure that you stick to contact like the Exchanges in our book - and avoid traditional "heat 'em up" foreplay - then that racy energy you're describing settles down after a few days. (Don't plan on getting much sleep the first night, however, because it's in full force then. Wink )

After those few initial days, you stay just as *interested* in contact, but that racy, explosive feeling just settles down, and the "stardust" feelings of courtship tend to get stronger.

It's like walking through a veil with a brick wall painted on it. It looks like a dead-end, but if you pass through it carefully with lots of generous, non-foreplay affection, you see it's just a thin veil, and not a brick wall.

I don't think you will ever force yourself into contented celibacy. It will take the sparkle out of you. Yang energy doesn't work that way. It's dynamic, and it's meant to *go* somewhere. The news here is that it can go through your heart and into your creativity in the world, and into healing your mate of past relationship fears, etc. It doesn't have to go out in the form of little packs of egg-hunting sperm.

That's why I wish you would look around for someone to share this experience with. Logic says I'm wrong, but experience will show you the truth.

A big hug,

ah well

you're probably right marnia, maybe the hard part is realizing that without a partner us yang energies are somewhat going to meander despite our efforts to reign the wild energy not only naturally enough us but that we have allowed to go out of control. Like turning a rather docile animal into a wild bucking bull after some zap of electricity and then trying to turn it docile again. I think I get what you are talking about now with turning that sexual energy upwards and outwards.
But abstaining is not futile in any way, the best thing it does is get your brain not only reorganized neurochemically but takes attention/awareness away from genitals so the rest of your senses can have a chance. I am still tweaking my whole system to include more than abtaining from sex, I'm coming to terms with how physical the need for the exhanges is and how necessary/beneficial
and I'm also discovering new outlets for that energy so that it doesn't recycle right back to the genitals with a renewed force.

There is both a yin and a

There is both a yin and a yang channel in each person. Practicing tantric meditation - bringing the (yang) fire up the spine and letting the kundalini drops (yin) flow down provides balance within each individual.

I always thought the posters of the divine masculine and feminine embracing were literal depictions of sexual acts. Turns out they are a reminder of the male and female energies that can be in ecstatic balance within each of us through meditation - and then through sex. Tantric adepts prepare this inner balance through fasting, chanting, prayer, and meditation, before meeting with a consort. So it's a bit of a different approach than Marnia's. My point being, that just because you are a man and you are choosing not to be with a woman right now, does not in any way mean that you are stuck with just yang energy. If you can tap into your own yin reserves (which I sense you already do, by caring for yourself through proper nutrition) then you will be more balanced and act less like a hungry nursing baby when you do find a woman.

Great reminder

I also like this meditation from Hotspring's "friend" Valerie Hunt: http://www.bioenergyfields.org/index.asp?SecId=4&SubSecid=45

I wonder if the "scalar energy" may be a form of yin (or yin and yang) energy. Did anyone else read The Magus of Java? In it, a Taoist master demonstrates that yin energy is as powerful as yang energy. Among other things, it is an "absorbing" energy that Western science can't yet explain. To demonstrate, the master puts his hand behind a student's back (an engineer) and another student fires a rubber bullet into the student's abdomen. The bullet drops harmlessly, without even creating a bruise.

Here's a Valerie Hunt article about the scalar energy, but there's much more on the web that I haven't looked at yet: http://www.bioenergyfields.org/index.asp?SecId=4&SubSecid=44