Advice for husband

Submitted by Walesboy on
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Greetings commnity -

I'm relative new to exploring less ejaculation / orgasms as part of my love making, and having some success and lots of learning. I'd be interested in insights about getting this to work in my marriage.
I've been exploring for about six months and am at about 2 orgasms a month for the last 2 months. I love the energy, increased focus on the whole body, unplugging from 'goal' in sex, and the lack of frequent 'let down'.
But there have been two challenges coordinating this with my wife. Firstly, since this is my idea it seems to her in some ways like I am 'with holding' from her by not orgasming. We've talked about this and it's got better, but still I want to manage to move the agenda to being me still being 100% engaged in our sex in her eyes. Secondly, and obviously related, she comes most easily when she rides me on top, and not suprisingly it's hard for me to not orgasm when I haven't for a few days from that much physical / sensual stimulation.
Implication of course is that she is not exploring limiting her orgasms. I don't want to make that my agenda - partly that would really seem like withholding to her right now, partly I love her orgasms, and partly they have always been elusive and infrequent - actually limiting me seems to have increased hers to almost one a week which is quite a lot more frequent.
Anyway, interested in others advice / experience...

SLOW WAY DOWN

I'd say you're already experiencing much success already and just keep plugging along as you are. I will also point out that in my own experience, orgasm comes very easily and naturally when things start out VERY slow and tender, or stay that way. Keep a SLOW consistent, firm pace, with an open, loving presence, and she will probably become more and more orgasmic. Check out Sood's posts on this - he has found that since slowing down in sex and both people moving away from orgasm as a goal, his wife has become much more orgasmic! Focus on sharing and nurturing and slow presence.

Some women may have occasional mechanical orgasms with a faster pace, and if they haven't had them from the slower pace, they may think that this aggressive form of lovemaking is how they can come. But a faster pace generally decreases sensation, and an orgasm through intense friction is like climbing up a very steep slope that its very very easy to fall off of before reaching the top, if you reach it at all. Whereas a slow, loving, tender approach will open the woman up, and a buildup will naturally occur that she can glide around on and enjoy and relish, making orgasm a choice and not an aggressive striving. And, if she is given the space to experience this natural, tender building of her own ecstatic nature, and she learns to enjoy it for a long time, she may come to see eventually that the final orgasm is nothing at all compared to the process of sharing and relishing.

If you haven't read Marnia's book yet, I highly reccommend you buy it, read it, and follow it. Your wife might or might not see the value in avoiding orgasm herself. I've had some form of resistance to this method myself for at least six months and only now am really beginning to get it. So it may take awhile, but the learning curve is fun.

trying your advice

Hotspring - thanks for your reply and advice. I have been exploring slowing down over the last few weeks and see some very hopeful glimmers of change.

The first thing I would acknowledge is that I don't think I could have even tried this until I had unplugged from the goal orientation of my own orgasm. I thought I was being pretty mutual in sex, but now realize that a lot of the time I was emotionally pulling away to focus on my own desire and anticipated orgasm. It is very different to be making love and think - "wow, I'm not going to come tonight". It puts me in a whole different mind-set, more able to focus on all of her body rather than just trying to press the obvious zones to keep her in sync with my build up.

Not sure whether it's this change in my attitude, but lately I've been able to stay hard while she rides me, so there is less feeling that I'm 'denying' her by exploring lengthening my time between orgasms. Also she is more relaxed from that 'slower / broader' stimulation, so her own orgasm is more attainable.

I am still finding that she wants to feel that it's not about me 'withholding' - and what seems to be working for us is her listening to me, but also having the final say in when I 'end' my period with an orgasm. I went once for 2 weeks, and then she decided the following time to have me orgasm after a week because it better fitted her own menstrual cycle, and I think wanted to feel more in control. I'm taking this as a good opportunity for me to practice both communication with her, but also letting go of too much control of the agenda.

I'd be interested to hear how others have found ways to engage their partner in the exploration without having them feel too manipulated or left out.

Walesboy

my recent experience

My wife and I completed the exchanges just one week ago and she is now wondering when we can go back to orgasmic sex. The whole key is to stay in giving mode. At first this system appealed to her because the pressure was off. Now she has found a way to feel denied. One upshot is that everyday we spntaneously stop look and exclaim, "You are so cute!" We have reached a higher plateau and she does not even know it. We have gone through this before several years ago with the exchanges and then went back to convenient dopamine sex and nearly lost our marriage to secret resentments and disappointments. I now view dopamine sex as life changing as getting hooked on meth or something, it brings you down and especially being a male my eyes begin to look for new avenues. With Marnia's Peace system, the connection and the sharing is so fullfilling that I do not want to risk damaging it. Besides that, it is sooooo difficult finding someone willing to consider Peace.

In this state we are much more connected and find it easy to understand each other's needs. She has agreed to stay on this path for a few months as we play with the energy. She has many questions I am unable to answer but she also will not pick up the book either. It is both delightful and a challenge. We usually make love for about an hour and I never get close to ejaculation. I also know that if my wife blasted off, I would not be able to contain myself. It is almost like a magnetism that pulls me along with her.

When I focus on my sexual energy being mixed with my heart energy and then passing to her as a gift, is when the loving starts to float to the stars.

Luke

Well, if you have read any

Well, if you have read any of my recent posts, you will know that I have learned from experience that it is no easy task at all to use this method when the other person is new to it, without seeming manipulative. I've learned that I will need to be much more tactful in how to go about introducing this to someone in the future. It is by no means an easy or straightforward path to incorporate this more yin or receptive mode of being into lovemaking without some kind of resistance or confusion in the self - we are so well trained in a getting way of being - that it can really be disorienting for a partner too. Sounds like you are going through it with kindness, patience, communication, and a healthy dose of letting go of the agenda.

[By the way, I know Walesboy in person - we study bodywork together - and I can attest that he is very good at staying present and open and not letting the agenda take over!]

Glad to hear you are plugging forward into the mystery of sex even further. If all else fails, I'd say - giving and receiving lots of bodwork with your wife can't fail in enhancing every aspect of your life, including the sexual. But I'm sure you know this already!

What astounds me is how neverendingly interesting, rich, unexpected and magnificent the path of sharing our bodies with another can be - how many opportunities for self-expression, communication, care, tenderness, nourishment, enjoyment, power, and revitalization is inherent in it all.

May all beings bask in the bliss of their truly ecstatic nature, giving and receiving generously and with rejoicing, in bed and in the world. Hope the great spirit has been finding many new forms of delight in this holiday season! Now that we have gorged our unhungry bellies on the sheer abundance and luxury of our priviledge, and shared in the material gifts, lets really lavish eachother with affection and love!

By the way, Walesboy, what did you think of the book "The Spell of the Sensuous"? I know you had said you were reading it. I'm reading "Job's Body" right now, I think you would really enjoy it. The chapter on skin is really amazing - how the skin is basically an extension of our brain (well, what isn't) and how absolutely vital nourishing touch is not only to mental health, hormonal balance, and healthy social skills, but simply to our very survival. It is literally food. Orphans in the mid-1800's who received enough food, shelter and warmth nevertheless had a 90% mortality rate, because they were not being touched and literally "wasted away" from lack of tactile nourishment.

Hi Hotspring - just to

Hi Hotspring -

just to respond to your book question - 'spell of the sensuous' is amazing, didn't finish it because all that is going on, plus seems like material to absorb and reread. The idea of being genuinely integrated with the natural world around us is both tantalizing, and so far from my everyday experience to make me sad. Perhaps this is a little bit of the mind-set that we want in our sex - receptive rather than western 'goal' oriented, aware more of the connections than our own presence / power.

Several people have mentioned Job's Body so your reminder is a good one to get it onto my reading list.

Walesboy