I'm so glad I found this site, I truly am. I didn't really realize what was going on until I read this a few days ago. A bit about myself and my problem:
I'm ___. 23 years old, and a recovering tranny-porn addict. Ever since I was 10 I've noticed girls in that special kind of way, even more so around age 13. I started watching heterosexual porn at age 14, but I wasn't addicted back then. I'd maybe watch some hetero porn a few times a month.
By age 16 I started watching porn a bit more, maybe only a few more times a month. By this point I discovered lesbian porn, which was great, because it really got me going! I had all kinds of categories of porn at my finger tips on a daily basis, I was like a kid at a candy store.
Fast forward to age 18. Lost my virginity a day after my 18th birthday to my girlfriend. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and it didn't last too long, but it felt amazing! What a rush! But, a month later, my girlfriend breaks up with me. 18 year old me is devastated, because she was my first serious girlfriend, I really cared about her.
I became depressed, and used porn to cope. The regular stuff just wasn't cutting it anymore, so I started getting into all kinds of porn: Milf porn, fake incest porn, midget porn, fake rape porn, slave porn, BBW porn, all kinds of stuff.
Then a few months later I came across a certain category of porn that didn't really interest me, that I thought was actually really weird, but decided to give it a try anyway: Shemale/Tranny porn. Like before, the porn I was previously watching just wasn't working for me anymore. I needed something new, something more shocking/exciting to get me off, and this new tranny stuff did the job.
I've never once checked out a guy, I don't find men attractive at all, and I know I never will. I've always checked out women everywhere, I've even had to stop doing so in public a few times because I would get an erection. But something about this tranny porn had a hold on me. I only enjoyed videos of the shemales being the bottom, and the regular guy being the top and dominating the shemales/trannies. Oh, and I've only enjoyed the very feminine-looking shemales/trannies, and I never liked the trannies that had big dicks.
Fast-forward 4 and a half years, age 22. Tranny porn is my main porn addiction, probably 96% of it. The other 4% being a mixture of Milf, BBW, lesbian and hardcore hetero. I would masturbate at least 3-4 times a day (sometimes more), 7 days a week. I've had about 6 or 7 girlfriends over the 4 year span, only one was truly serious. Lots and lots of amazing sex! I mean, they could wear the least revealing outfits of all time and I'll still get a hard-on just looking at them, I was always horny all the time.
I was always thinking about women, checking out women, and the slightest touch from an attractive gal would get me going. Hell, I'd even check out unnattractive girls if they had certain features I liked, like a big ass or big tits. Early on the sex was amazing, but towards the end of the 4 year span it wasn't quite as exciting. I'd get tired faster, I wouldn't be in the mood as much, but it was still alright. Daily tranny porn was still very much a part of my life, even when I was in relationships and had a great sex life with my girlfriends. Sometimes I would masturbate to it purely out of boredom. After masturbating to tranny porn, I would never question my sexual orientation, because I know that I'm straight, and that this was just a fetish, and that I had no desire to ever act out on it. I just love women too much both physically and romantically to be gay.
5 months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. At this point I had been single for a few months. I was really wanting to party and score with some ladies one particular weekend, so I go with my cousin to this party one night. It was a really boring party, the people were boring and they didn't have any alcohol that I liked, and every girl was there taken, so my mind started wandering and landed on women and tranny porn. It got me in the mood, so I left to go home and masturbate. I was so horny.
I was texting a gay friend of mine from work when I got home, just regular chit chat. I was actually asking him about my car engine, because I had a problem with it on the way home, and he knew about that stuff more than I did. I was in no way attracted to him or anything like that, those thoughts never did cross my mind. I was wanting to find a girl to come over, but no luck. Then for some reason I tried to find a tranny online, which I had never tried to do before, but there's none in my area.
But, I was on this crazy tranny dopamine high, and I thought to myself: "Well, there's no trannies around these parts, so scratch that idea. But he's gay and very feminine for a guy, and might be willing, and at this moment I'm horny and desperate. Haven't had sex in about a two months. I've heard guys say "a hole is a hole", so if I just close my eyes then everything will be cool." ...boy was I wrong!
I texted him, told him to come over because I wanted to try sex with a guy. He came over, and we went to my room. He got naked and laid on my bed. I started to get undressed, but I decided to have a cig before proceeding any further, so I went to my bathroom to smoke. I stayed in there for about 20 minutes, just smoking and thinking. The whole situation felt very awkward. It felt very weird, and it felt very wrong. But this tranny dopamine high was still so strong and it was taking over my thoughts.
So, I get naked, get into my bed, and we start fooling around. Then he gives me a bj, and then he lays down and I top him, then afterward I tell him to leave. What I learned immediately from my homosexual sex act: Kissing a dude is so damn gross, regardless of how feminine they are. Grabbing another dude's junk is weird. Getting a blow job from a dude is awkward and weird. Putting my penis in another dude was very weird. I mean, I just frooze in horror before the anal and I just kept thinking to myself: "Why are you doing this? You're not gay!" But my dopamine crazed mind was shouting: "Just do it! Just get your nut and we'll be done here!" Overall, it just felt wrong, it didn't feel natural. It didn't feel anywhere near amazing like it does with girls.
So, I kinda freak out about it a bit for the next two days, I felt so guilty and depressed about it, but then I come to the conclusion that: I was just really horny and extremely desperate, and that I experimented with a dude because of that and didn't enjoy it at all like I do with women, and that there's nothing wrong with that, many people experiment, but it just wasn't my thing. That put my mind at ease, I accepted it and moved on.
Fast-forward two months. I'm still masturbating to tranny porn everyday at this point. Had sex with an ex girlfriend one day, and it took me a lot longer to get hard, that had me concerned. I've had a streak of bad luck with women over the two month span. The first one ditched me on our first date and I never heard from her again, the second one was one of the biggest bitches I had ever met, the third was almost as bad as the second girl, and the fourth played me hardcore. The fourth girl told me all these great things about wanting to get to know me better, telling me how much of an awesome guy I was, that she wanted to go on dates with me, all this great stuff.
She was actually volunteering at my family's haunted house this October, that's how I met her. We make out a bunch the first few days, I'm grabbing her ass and sucking on her boobs, she's grabbing my junk, life is great. We text a lot at night, all that good stuff. Everything is great until one day I see her making out with another guy at the haunted house. I dunno, something just snapped when I saw that, I haven't been that mad in a long time. I confront her about it, which makes me even more mad, life sucked.
The next few weeks I just didn't care about anything. I started to become really depressed during the middle of October, like really depressed. I've dealt with depression before, but not like this. If you're like me, it seems that for some reason you start thinking about all the other stuff in life that has affected you in a negative way or that you didn't like while you're depressed, and that's exactly what I did. I became fixated on that night I had sex with that dude. "Oh my god, I had sex with a guy. I didn't enjoy it, and it was weird, but that still must mean that I'm gay!" I would think to myself, over and over again, even though just a few weeks earlier I was making out with the hottest girl I've seen in a long time, and enjoying it very much.
Turns out that I definitely developed HOCD during my depression. I would obsess over thoughts like that, all day and all night, even though I know that I'm straight. A week later I meet this girl, her name is Madeline. She wants to go on a date and hang out and such. At first I didn't want to, when I'm depressed I don't want to do much of anything. But then I was like: "Well, this is a good test to see if you're straight or not!" So I went on a date with her.
The date turned out pretty well. We got something to eat, watched a few movies with her friends, we cuddled and kissed and stuff, it was great. Two days later we have sex, and it was freakin' awesome! Granted, it took a bit more on her part to get me hard, that was unusual, but once I was hard everything was great. Everything about it turned me on: Her boobs, her curves, the way she smelled, her ass, just everything! After the sex we got something to eat, cuddled, then she went to work. When I got back home I was so happy! I was like: "Yes! I just had amazing sex with a cute girl just like I used to, I can't believe I let this HOCD crap get to me!" Then 4 hours later I got that depressed feeling back, and HOCD decided to come along with it.
"I just had amazing sex with a gorgeous girl, but it took me longer than usual to get hard, so that must mean that I'm gay." That thought joined my previous HOCD thoughts, and I was back at square one. Madeline and I dated for another 3 weeks before breaking up. During that time we had sex about 3 times. It took a lot longer to get hard than ever before, and it really worried me. When I did get hard a few times, I was a bit horny, but overall I just wasn't into the sex that much, I just did it for her pleasure.
We break up because I find out that she's snorting pills and refuses to stop, and I didn't want to be around that. HOCD is still strong, and it's to the point where nothing gets me aroused unless it's tranny porn, which sucks. I start to visually check out women less and less for some reason. So, a few weeks later I'm starting to masturbate to some tranny porn, and I stop myself and think: "____, what the hell are you doing? Why are you letting this beat you? You gotta stop this, right now." Then I start to feel good about myself, and after weeks of getting off to nothing but tranny porn and not checking out women due to my depression and HOCD, I look at some hetero porn, and I'm completely turned on! Everything about it is turning me on, I'm actually getting turned on by the women like I used to. I finish, and I'm feeling great.
The next day I meet this girl, and we hit it off instantly. Like, I can't stop staring at her, and the whole night I just want to kiss her. We go back to her place, watch a few movies, just having a good time. Then when I'm hugging her before I leave, I bring her in close and I kiss her, and I got the biggest hard-on I've had in a long time. But I talked myself out of having it because I didn't want her to think that I'm a perv or anything, haha. The next two days I'm feeling like my old self again. I'd get the biggest smile on my face whenever I get a text from her, I was actually fantasizing about having sex with her, and the thought of tranny porn did not cross my mind at all, I just wanted to spend time with her and kiss her. I was even checking out women again when I went out in public! I mean, women were turning me on left and right! I couldn't stop checking out their asses, haha.
Then that following Tuesday, my HOCD comes back. Not as severe as other times, but it still sucks really bad. But now I don't check out women as often as I did a few weeks ago. Me and my gal have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I haven't gotten a huge hard-on with her again yet, but I've got close to it a few times these past few weeks. I came across this site last week, and I really liked what people have to say about this site, so I stopped watching porn as of Monday of this week, and I'm planning on following through with this for as long as it takes so I can reboot and get back to normal so I can have a normal sex life again, so I can get frisky thoughts all the time when I check out women like before, so I can get turned on by the slightest touch of a girl I'm interested in like before, so I can get rid of my HOCD or at least reduce it to the smallest amount possible to where it doesn't bother me anymore, so I can put this all behind me and live my life the way I used to before porn came along.
So far I'm three days in, and though I've had a few urges to watch tranny porn, I don't act on them. But, my HOCD really messes with me. On days that I'm not so depressed or feeling down, I won't question my sexual orientation as much, and I'll get a bit turned on when I spend time with my girlfriend, and I'll want to hold her and make out with her and such. But on days when I let my HOCD get to me, I get really depressed, and it makes me not want to do anything, and it'll make me question my sexual orientation all damn day, even when I'm spending time with my girlfriend, which really sucks.
Sometimes my HOCD will kick in when I'm making out with my girlfriend, it'll make me think things like: "Well, you're feeling a bit turned on, but you don't have an erection right now, so that means that you're probably gay." and: "You're not getting constant full erections because you're gay, not because of ED due to a tranny porn addiction. Why reboot? It won't work because you had sex with a dude once, which makes you gay." I mean, I just want to SCREAM! Calm and collective me know that I'm straight, but HOCD depressed me always questions it. I just hate this. I wish I never started watching tranny porn, and I definitely wish I never had sex with that dude, those are the WORST mistakes I've made in my life, and I'm paying dearly for them.
I don't care how long this reboot takes, I just want to get back to normal. I want to be able to put this all behind me, move on with my life, get back to having a great sex life with women like I used to, meet the woman of my dreams and get married one day, have kids, all that good stuff. Sometimes it just seems impossible, and sometimes it feels like I've made all of these mistakes that can never be fixed and that I'll never be the same ever again.
I just want this to go away so badly, I've never wanted something so much in my life.