Very worried.

Submitted by JAS23 on
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I'm so glad I found this site, I truly am. I didn't really realize what was going on until I read this a few days ago. A bit about myself and my problem:

I'm ___. 23 years old, and a recovering tranny-porn addict. Ever since I was 10 I've noticed girls in that special kind of way, even more so around age 13. I started watching heterosexual porn at age 14, but I wasn't addicted back then. I'd maybe watch some hetero porn a few times a month.

By age 16 I started watching porn a bit more, maybe only a few more times a month. By this point I discovered lesbian porn, which was great, because it really got me going! I had all kinds of categories of porn at my finger tips on a daily basis, I was like a kid at a candy store.

Fast forward to age 18. Lost my virginity a day after my 18th birthday to my girlfriend. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and it didn't last too long, but it felt amazing! What a rush! But, a month later, my girlfriend breaks up with me. 18 year old me is devastated, because she was my first serious girlfriend, I really cared about her.

I became depressed, and used porn to cope. The regular stuff just wasn't cutting it anymore, so I started getting into all kinds of porn: Milf porn, fake incest porn, midget porn, fake rape porn, slave porn, BBW porn, all kinds of stuff.

Then a few months later I came across a certain category of porn that didn't really interest me, that I thought was actually really weird, but decided to give it a try anyway: Shemale/Tranny porn. Like before, the porn I was previously watching just wasn't working for me anymore. I needed something new, something more shocking/exciting to get me off, and this new tranny stuff did the job.

I've never once checked out a guy, I don't find men attractive at all, and I know I never will. I've always checked out women everywhere, I've even had to stop doing so in public a few times because I would get an erection. But something about this tranny porn had a hold on me. I only enjoyed videos of the shemales being the bottom, and the regular guy being the top and dominating the shemales/trannies. Oh, and I've only enjoyed the very feminine-looking shemales/trannies, and I never liked the trannies that had big dicks.

Fast-forward 4 and a half years, age 22. Tranny porn is my main porn addiction, probably 96% of it. The other 4% being a mixture of Milf, BBW, lesbian and hardcore hetero. I would masturbate at least 3-4 times a day (sometimes more), 7 days a week. I've had about 6 or 7 girlfriends over the 4 year span, only one was truly serious. Lots and lots of amazing sex! I mean, they could wear the least revealing outfits of all time and I'll still get a hard-on just looking at them, I was always horny all the time.

I was always thinking about women, checking out women, and the slightest touch from an attractive gal would get me going. Hell, I'd even check out unnattractive girls if they had certain features I liked, like a big ass or big tits. Early on the sex was amazing, but towards the end of the 4 year span it wasn't quite as exciting. I'd get tired faster, I wouldn't be in the mood as much, but it was still alright. Daily tranny porn was still very much a part of my life, even when I was in relationships and had a great sex life with my girlfriends. Sometimes I would masturbate to it purely out of boredom. After masturbating to tranny porn, I would never question my sexual orientation, because I know that I'm straight, and that this was just a fetish, and that I had no desire to ever act out on it. I just love women too much both physically and romantically to be gay.

5 months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. At this point I had been single for a few months. I was really wanting to party and score with some ladies one particular weekend, so I go with my cousin to this party one night. It was a really boring party, the people were boring and they didn't have any alcohol that I liked, and every girl was there taken, so my mind started wandering and landed on women and tranny porn. It got me in the mood, so I left to go home and masturbate. I was so horny.

I was texting a gay friend of mine from work when I got home, just regular chit chat. I was actually asking him about my car engine, because I had a problem with it on the way home, and he knew about that stuff more than I did. I was in no way attracted to him or anything like that, those thoughts never did cross my mind. I was wanting to find a girl to come over, but no luck. Then for some reason I tried to find a tranny online, which I had never tried to do before, but there's none in my area.

But, I was on this crazy tranny dopamine high, and I thought to myself: "Well, there's no trannies around these parts, so scratch that idea. But he's gay and very feminine for a guy, and might be willing, and at this moment I'm horny and desperate. Haven't had sex in about a two months. I've heard guys say "a hole is a hole", so if I just close my eyes then everything will be cool." ...boy was I wrong!

I texted him, told him to come over because I wanted to try sex with a guy. He came over, and we went to my room. He got naked and laid on my bed. I started to get undressed, but I decided to have a cig before proceeding any further, so I went to my bathroom to smoke. I stayed in there for about 20 minutes, just smoking and thinking. The whole situation felt very awkward. It felt very weird, and it felt very wrong. But this tranny dopamine high was still so strong and it was taking over my thoughts.

So, I get naked, get into my bed, and we start fooling around. Then he gives me a bj, and then he lays down and I top him, then afterward I tell him to leave. What I learned immediately from my homosexual sex act: Kissing a dude is so damn gross, regardless of how feminine they are. Grabbing another dude's junk is weird. Getting a blow job from a dude is awkward and weird. Putting my penis in another dude was very weird. I mean, I just frooze in horror before the anal and I just kept thinking to myself: "Why are you doing this? You're not gay!" But my dopamine crazed mind was shouting: "Just do it! Just get your nut and we'll be done here!" Overall, it just felt wrong, it didn't feel natural. It didn't feel anywhere near amazing like it does with girls.

So, I kinda freak out about it a bit for the next two days, I felt so guilty and depressed about it, but then I come to the conclusion that: I was just really horny and extremely desperate, and that I experimented with a dude because of that and didn't enjoy it at all like I do with women, and that there's nothing wrong with that, many people experiment, but it just wasn't my thing. That put my mind at ease, I accepted it and moved on.

Fast-forward two months. I'm still masturbating to tranny porn everyday at this point. Had sex with an ex girlfriend one day, and it took me a lot longer to get hard, that had me concerned. I've had a streak of bad luck with women over the two month span. The first one ditched me on our first date and I never heard from her again, the second one was one of the biggest bitches I had ever met, the third was almost as bad as the second girl, and the fourth played me hardcore. The fourth girl told me all these great things about wanting to get to know me better, telling me how much of an awesome guy I was, that she wanted to go on dates with me, all this great stuff.

She was actually volunteering at my family's haunted house this October, that's how I met her. We make out a bunch the first few days, I'm grabbing her ass and sucking on her boobs, she's grabbing my junk, life is great. We text a lot at night, all that good stuff. Everything is great until one day I see her making out with another guy at the haunted house. I dunno, something just snapped when I saw that, I haven't been that mad in a long time. I confront her about it, which makes me even more mad, life sucked.

The next few weeks I just didn't care about anything. I started to become really depressed during the middle of October, like really depressed. I've dealt with depression before, but not like this. If you're like me, it seems that for some reason you start thinking about all the other stuff in life that has affected you in a negative way or that you didn't like while you're depressed, and that's exactly what I did. I became fixated on that night I had sex with that dude. "Oh my god, I had sex with a guy. I didn't enjoy it, and it was weird, but that still must mean that I'm gay!" I would think to myself, over and over again, even though just a few weeks earlier I was making out with the hottest girl I've seen in a long time, and enjoying it very much.

Turns out that I definitely developed HOCD during my depression. I would obsess over thoughts like that, all day and all night, even though I know that I'm straight. A week later I meet this girl, her name is Madeline. She wants to go on a date and hang out and such. At first I didn't want to, when I'm depressed I don't want to do much of anything. But then I was like: "Well, this is a good test to see if you're straight or not!" So I went on a date with her.

The date turned out pretty well. We got something to eat, watched a few movies with her friends, we cuddled and kissed and stuff, it was great. Two days later we have sex, and it was freakin' awesome! Granted, it took a bit more on her part to get me hard, that was unusual, but once I was hard everything was great. Everything about it turned me on: Her boobs, her curves, the way she smelled, her ass, just everything! After the sex we got something to eat, cuddled, then she went to work. When I got back home I was so happy! I was like: "Yes! I just had amazing sex with a cute girl just like I used to, I can't believe I let this HOCD crap get to me!" Then 4 hours later I got that depressed feeling back, and HOCD decided to come along with it.

"I just had amazing sex with a gorgeous girl, but it took me longer than usual to get hard, so that must mean that I'm gay." That thought joined my previous HOCD thoughts, and I was back at square one. Madeline and I dated for another 3 weeks before breaking up. During that time we had sex about 3 times. It took a lot longer to get hard than ever before, and it really worried me. When I did get hard a few times, I was a bit horny, but overall I just wasn't into the sex that much, I just did it for her pleasure.

We break up because I find out that she's snorting pills and refuses to stop, and I didn't want to be around that. HOCD is still strong, and it's to the point where nothing gets me aroused unless it's tranny porn, which sucks. I start to visually check out women less and less for some reason. So, a few weeks later I'm starting to masturbate to some tranny porn, and I stop myself and think: "____, what the hell are you doing? Why are you letting this beat you? You gotta stop this, right now." Then I start to feel good about myself, and after weeks of getting off to nothing but tranny porn and not checking out women due to my depression and HOCD, I look at some hetero porn, and I'm completely turned on! Everything about it is turning me on, I'm actually getting turned on by the women like I used to. I finish, and I'm feeling great.

The next day I meet this girl, and we hit it off instantly. Like, I can't stop staring at her, and the whole night I just want to kiss her. We go back to her place, watch a few movies, just having a good time. Then when I'm hugging her before I leave, I bring her in close and I kiss her, and I got the biggest hard-on I've had in a long time. But I talked myself out of having it because I didn't want her to think that I'm a perv or anything, haha. The next two days I'm feeling like my old self again. I'd get the biggest smile on my face whenever I get a text from her, I was actually fantasizing about having sex with her, and the thought of tranny porn did not cross my mind at all, I just wanted to spend time with her and kiss her. I was even checking out women again when I went out in public! I mean, women were turning me on left and right! I couldn't stop checking out their asses, haha.

Then that following Tuesday, my HOCD comes back. Not as severe as other times, but it still sucks really bad. But now I don't check out women as often as I did a few weeks ago. Me and my gal have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I haven't gotten a huge hard-on with her again yet, but I've got close to it a few times these past few weeks. I came across this site last week, and I really liked what people have to say about this site, so I stopped watching porn as of Monday of this week, and I'm planning on following through with this for as long as it takes so I can reboot and get back to normal so I can have a normal sex life again, so I can get frisky thoughts all the time when I check out women like before, so I can get turned on by the slightest touch of a girl I'm interested in like before, so I can get rid of my HOCD or at least reduce it to the smallest amount possible to where it doesn't bother me anymore, so I can put this all behind me and live my life the way I used to before porn came along.

So far I'm three days in, and though I've had a few urges to watch tranny porn, I don't act on them. But, my HOCD really messes with me. On days that I'm not so depressed or feeling down, I won't question my sexual orientation as much, and I'll get a bit turned on when I spend time with my girlfriend, and I'll want to hold her and make out with her and such. But on days when I let my HOCD get to me, I get really depressed, and it makes me not want to do anything, and it'll make me question my sexual orientation all damn day, even when I'm spending time with my girlfriend, which really sucks.

Sometimes my HOCD will kick in when I'm making out with my girlfriend, it'll make me think things like: "Well, you're feeling a bit turned on, but you don't have an erection right now, so that means that you're probably gay." and: "You're not getting constant full erections because you're gay, not because of ED due to a tranny porn addiction. Why reboot? It won't work because you had sex with a dude once, which makes you gay." I mean, I just want to SCREAM! Calm and collective me know that I'm straight, but HOCD depressed me always questions it. I just hate this. I wish I never started watching tranny porn, and I definitely wish I never had sex with that dude, those are the WORST mistakes I've made in my life, and I'm paying dearly for them.

I don't care how long this reboot takes, I just want to get back to normal. I want to be able to put this all behind me, move on with my life, get back to having a great sex life with women like I used to, meet the woman of my dreams and get married one day, have kids, all that good stuff. Sometimes it just seems impossible, and sometimes it feels like I've made all of these mistakes that can never be fixed and that I'll never be the same ever again.

I just want this to go away so badly, I've never wanted something so much in my life.

Hi

I took the liberty of removing your name. If those are your real initials, let me change your user name too. Just send me a private message by clicking on my name.

Honestly, I don't think it was the guy-sex that messed you up. I think your challenge is classic escalation, or what addiction experts call "tolerance." Due to your enthusiastic work in overstimulating your brain for years, it is gradually getting desensitized to normal pleasures. It needs more stimulation for you to feel good, so it is constantly driving you to get your jollies...whatever it takes. It doesn't care if you're screwing a cow or a human. It just wants "exciting" sexual stimulation.

Sure, a novel female will getcha goin' for a bit. The thrill of novelty, seduction, etc. gets your dopamine revving for a while. But your overall baseline dopamine response is number than ideal. So you need constant "hits" of dopamine to try to make up the deficit. A long-term connection with one partner will quickly lose its luster...unless you reboot your brain first (by returning it to normal sensitivity to pleasure).

You're not alone. Internet porn is doing this to lots of guys. Sad And here's the thing...you can get away with a lot during your teen years (in terms of overstimulation), so everyone gets unrealistic expectations during those years. This changes as you approach and enter adulthood. Your brain is actually changing such that "thrills" aren't as effortless. To understand this: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201110/why-sho...

Once dopamine dysregulation sets in (which is what we're talking about when we say your brain is growing numb to normal pleasures), it can also promote depression...because everything (except pursuing those dopamine hits via novelty, sex, hunting, seduction, porn, etc.) seems duller, grayer than it did when you weren't overstimulating your brain.

If you've watched Gary's videos at YBOP, you know all of this already. If not, definitely watch them. (See right-hand margin) http://yourbrainonporn.com/node

So the question is...what are you willing to do to get well? When you stop any addiction, things often get worse before they get better. Check out the withdrawal symptoms here, just so you know what's entailed. http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.WITHDRAWAL.pdf

If you're willing to go through the hell of withdrawal (no porn, and temporarily no masturbation, no orgasm...except with real partners and assuming it doesn't throw you back into a binge), then you can slowly reverse the desensitization that has occurred in your brain.

The HOCD is just anxiety, which is normal for porn addicts. If you weren't worrying about your gay adventure, you'd worry about something else. Guys who choose to go through the reboot watch their tastes shift back to their earliest tastes...gradually. However, the anxious questioning goes through the roof during the withdrawal stress, so be prepared. What helps? Exercise, mediation, and the Schwartz technique (http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-for-rewiring-compulsions).

Start your own blog if you like. Click on "Members' blogs" to the left.

Hey man, my story is almost

Hey man, my story is almost the exact same as yours...I can almost say everything you said word for word. I started off watching porn at a pretty young age, 10 or 11 years. I started off watching straight porn, and then went on to lesbian porn. I must admit back then, it was a rush. I was extremely aroused by lesbian porn. And I loved girls as much as you do. Just like you I started getting bored of lesbian porn and straight porn and began diversifying my tastes....I searched for pretty extreme porn such as beastiality, machine porn, and anything that was novel. I bumped into transexual porn and for some reason it got me off alot quicker. It became even more disturbing as I moved on to gay porn. Soon it took over my life, I couldnt believe it that I was aroused by this garbage. I was so sickened with myself....and even worse I couldnt get it together with straight porn and sex was unexciting for me. The gay porn and tranny porn hijacked my mind and dopamine system and anything extreme and risky was exciting.

I developed severe HOCD because of this problem, it was so severe sometimes I suffered from delusions with poor insight, which is pretty extreme OCD. I talked to many therpaists but few understood the two intertwined problems with porn addiction and OCD and borderline pyschosis that I was going through. Trust me my friend, you arent gay. Gay people arent like this.

My suggestion is to cut the porn, let your brain rest. Which I did with marginal success, yet even with the marginal success I find that I get aroused at girls so easily now. And its only been a couple weeks of on and off rebooting. Dont listen to those messages that your brain is telling you to stop. My brain told me same thing, its always this doubt that rebooting wont work. However, it is crucial to ignore those messages. You must continue to reboot. I really suggest that you exercise a lot, and practice the schwartz technique. I guarantee you that by doing these two things you will be able to cut a lot of pain in the future. I know from experience, if you analyze those thoughts they will get stronger and stronger and stronger. You must stop thinking, analyzing. I know it is hard. I cant say that I am 100% successful either, but if you practice it gets easier and the thoughts go away. If you start to get sensations, ignore them, they are HOCD sensations brought on by fear and anxiety. Practice schwartz. Cut the porn. Stop masturbating. Start excising. This is the way to recovery.

Trust me buddy, you aren't alone, I have been on forums with thousands of pages of people escalating to transexual porn and/or gay porn. And none of them are gay. Good luck man! I know its tough, there will be ups and downs. One last tip, don't ever go on LGBT sites or read anything about LGBT. NO LGBT FORUMS! OR COMING OUT FORUMS! THESE ARE THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE PLACES TO GO WHEN YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM HOCD! Install a internet blocker, block both porn and LGBT sites. I don't mean any offense to LGBT people, but its not the place to go if you are suffering from an illness.

Now, about your experience, all I can say is that you must forget about it. I imagine it to be extremely traumatizing. But you can't dwell on the past. Its over. It was all fake. It was a combination of anxiety, fear and porn. It isn't you. Good luck and merry christmas!

Thanks for replying, guys! I

Thanks for replying, guys! I really appreciate the support, and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in this. I just can't believe my addiction grew so much that it pushed me to have that sexual encounter, I had no idea it could be so powerful.

I've been rebooting since early Tuesday, and so far things are okay as far as urges go. The first two days really sucked, I was having urges to watch tranny porn nonstop, but it's calmed down a lot since then. It seems that tranny porn becomes less and less important as the days go by. I dunno, maybe I've just been having a few good days so far, I'm sure there will be some not so good days, though. I hear it's an up and down recovery process.

See, I really hate my HOCD, because it's a complete mind ****! Take last night, for example. My HOCD was kicking in hardcore, and I was so depressed. Then my girlfriend calls and wants me to come hang out. So I go over there, and for the first 5 minutes or so I'm still depressed, but then I start cuddling with her and kissing her, and my HOCD lessens greatly. I'm not getting full on erections or anything, but I had a chub when I was making out with her in the kitchen, and the other times we kissed and cuddled I had that warm sensation down there in my pants, so obviously I'm straight, haha, and I know this. But I wasn't thinking sexual thoughts, though, it was more of an emotional thing. I haven't had that kind of connection with a girl in a long time, and I like it.

Then my HOCD will kick in a little bit, like: "Well, you're not checking out her tits or butt everytime you look at her, so that means you're gay." If HOCD were a person, I'd probably kill it, lol. I know I don't check out her or many women at this time because I'm just beginning my rebooting process, but my HOCD doesn't know that, which sucks. It's weird, though, because a few weeks ago I had that two day span of feeling great, checking out women hardcore, thinking sexual thoughts about my girlfriend, and then it went away, and that was before I started rebooting. That weird?

You're lucky to have a

sweetie, but here's the thing. Healthy sexuality isn't measured by how "hardcore" you're checking out someone's tits and ass. That's porn culture, sugar. Smile

Believe it or not, humans are pair bonders (I know...it's kinda hard to see at the moment :-).) So great sex can also be measured in warm feelings and "that kind of connection with a girl." Part of your brain knows that. Such feelings arise from bonding behaviors. Sex can be one of them, but there are many others. They also happen to be very soothing for addicted brains because of the neurochemical cocktail they release.

To learn more about the power of affectionate touch and close, trusted companionship, see "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-laz...

Remember...the less attention you give those pesky feelings and the quicker you change your thought to how it feels to snuggle your sweetie, the faster that unwanted brain loop fades. So...no analysis. At all. "Face and replace" when one shows up.

She's a great gal, I'm

She's a great gal, I'm definitely crazy about her. She's got the same awkward humor that I do, we get along great, and she's very beautiful. She's also a virgin, and even asked me if I would ever leave her due to possible frustration about the fact that she's nowhere near ready for sex yet. I told her no, I mean that's a dumb reason to ever leave somebody.

I think my rebooting will be a lot easier as there will be no pressure of doing anything sexual, which is great. It's also a nice change of pace for me. In my previous relationships I would've already had sex numerous times by now with my girlfriends. But, I'm three weeks into this relationship, and aside from some lovely making out sessions, there hasn't been anything sexual. That's probably why my previous relationships never worked out; rushed sex.

I definitely feel like I'm headed in the right direction with this reboot. I know it's going to be tough and that it won't happen overnight, but I got myself into this mess, and now it's time to get out and never look back.

You've reflected on your life brilliantly

You must be on Day 6 now?

You've been an inspiration to me in a way you cannot possibly imagine. Does your girlfriend know about your struggles?

All the best mate and seriously, just write on here if you're getting frustrated or you're feeling down. This place is superb for support on sexual issues, especially as we live in a judgemental society.

Thanks, Mix. Today makes 1

Thanks, Mix. Today makes 1 week of no PMO, and it's had it's ups and downs. My HOCD has been bad these past two days, constant thoughts like: "Just quit this reboot. You're gay and in denial."

I find myself constantly challenging my HOCD. When the HOCD thoughts come into my head, I'll fight back with: "If I'm gay, then why have I had and enjoyed amazing sex and relationships with so many girls?" I had a lot of those thoughts yesterday. One HOCD thought came to me, then about 2 minutes later I kinda got aroused for 5-10 seconds when I saw these two lesbians making out on this movie I was watching. I didn't get a boner, but I knew I was a bit aroused, then I fought back with: "Ha! If I was gay I wouldn't have been turned on by that!"

I feel like fighting back isn't the way to go about it, though, because my HOCD still comes back minutes later. But on a brighter note, whenever I'm hanging out with some friends and having a least somewhat of a good time, I tend to start to check out girls a bit more. It's not anywhere near as arousing or constant as it used to be back in the golden days, and there wasn't hardly any sexual thoughts at all, but a few weeks ago I wouldn't even have even bothered checking out women.

Last night I also fantasized about a hookup I had about 8 months ago with this girl with a big butt. (I always had a thing for girls with big butts, lol.) I only fantasized about it for a few minutes before the the small arousal went away, but it makes happy because even over a month ago I wouldn't have bothered thinking about it, I would've just masturbated to some tranny porn a few times for about 20-30 minutes and be done for the night.

I don't have strong urges to look at tranny porn, though. I've read about a lot of people having strong urges to watch porn during the reboot, but so far I don't really have that. The first 2 days I did, though, but now I kinda don't. The only thing that's really sucking about this reboot is my HOCD, because it seems stronger than ever at times. Sometimes it will get so bad that it just makes me want to sit at home and do nothing, sometimes it makes me not want to hang out with anybody, not even my girlfriend. If my HOCD is kicking in and I make plans to see my girlfriend, that's sometimes when it's at it worst, because my HOCD will be so strong and I'll be so anxious to prove my HOCD wrong that I can't fully enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, it'll even rear it's ugly head in when I'm kissing her.

What's the best way to go about fending off these HOCD thoughts?

Try the Schwartz method

Remind yourself that this is just a brain loop that is misfiring, and immediately set about strengthening a substitute loop. With enough practice...feelings of anxiety will send your brain directly to the new loop.

Make the substitute thought/activity something constructive, which you can immediately do or vividly visualize. Read this to understand what I'm babbling about:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-for-rewiring-compulsions

Never "analyze" the HOCD or try to reason with it. Ever. Everyone struggling with this agrees that analysis strengthens the anxiety. Just treat it like a meaningless flashback and turn your attention elsewhere.

If ever you're not feeling that attracted to women, realize that it's normal for a desensitized brain to be less responsive sometimes, especially early on.

If ever the HOCD flares, realize that all addicts "flare" (it's a dopamine rush) in response to cues associated with their past addictions. This is *normal* and has nothing to do with the "merits" or "orientation" of those cues. Your brain doesn't care about their substance; just their effects. Just calmly breathe...and switch gears, as explained in the Schwartz material.

*big hug*

I think my HOCD is very

I think my HOCD is very severe. I mean, as soon as I wake up it's on my mind, and 7 times out of 10 when I go to bed it's on my mind. There are very few moments during the day when it's not on my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane! :/

But when it's not on my mind, I'm a lot better, and in ways I kinda feel like my old self again. For instance, a month ago when I first met my girlfriend I had such a good time with her, just talking and laughing and having a great time, and wanting to kiss her and hold her, and I even had that massive erection with she kissed me. HOCD wasn't on my mind at all that night, and I kinda felt like the old me again.

I also never had HOCD until after that extremely stupid same sex encounter that I had. I feel that it may have psychologically affected me, I mean, how could it not? It wasn't a natural thing for me, that's not who I am sexually or romantically, I just made a really stupid decision despite my mind, heart and body telling me not to do it because it's not what I truly want. How do you heal a psychological scar like that?

As best I understand it

the thought is just a brain loop, which has become a habit. The less you activate it, and the sooner you turn it off when it is activated (by forcing yourself to change your thoughts to a different subject), the sooner it fades.

There's no quick fix that I know of. That's why I suggest you have a look at the Schwartz approach. He has had a lot of success with OCD patients.

The worst thing you can do is give your attention to these thoughts. Just say, "I'll think about this in two months. Now, let me see if I can remember the words to [some song]." Or count to 100 in another language, or get up and do some stretches while counting backward from 100. Whatever. Just don't tolerate analyzing anything to do with HOCD. It only makes it worse because it activates that same, unwanted brain pathway. "Let the weeds grow over it, by staying off of it."

Again: http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-for-rewiring-compulsions

I just read your comment on

I just read your comment on my post, and yes it seems we are going through a similar deal, with me being confused about if i am really a lesbian, and you being confused on if you're really straight.

YOU seem to know in your heart that you're straight, as do I know I'm a lesbian.
It seems by reading all this, it will just lie, lie, and then lie again. It cheats. It wants to make you unhappy in any way it can.

The fact that you experimented should certainly reassure you you're straight, or so I'd think... In your case, it seems the thoughts are still popping around even after.
I haven't experimented yet, because I'm not risking losing someone I love to try, but I know what you mean by 'Guys saliva is just so gross' because before I got a girl friend and "experimented" seeing if i truly liked guys, I realized, hey nope, you're just a lesbian. That kiss was boring and his mouth felt weird.

In my opinion, even if you WOULD happen to like something sexual with someone, I don't think you're gay.
Let's say you're lying, and you did like that blow job. In my honest opinion, I still wouldn't consider you gay or bi. Simply because when something is pleasurable, it will be regardless of who it is with for some people. Some people need an emotional connection for it to feel good, and others need simply a touch.
You should focus more on who in the past has given you butterflies, made you nervous in a good way, and just made you all around happy.

In my case, I've always loved girls in every way. I can think guys are hot, but it's human nature to decide if someone is good looking or not. It doesn't mean you want them.

But i think your HOCD is trying to tell you that if you think he's hot.... You want him. But looks are the least part of orientation in my opinion.

You don't have to be turned on every time you and a girl make out. Sometimes the beauty in being with someone is realizing you enjoy spending time with them WITHOUT being turned on.

I wish i could give you better advice, but it's really hard when i'm dealing with the same.
I know that the 3 days i felt good, were the days i didn't google ANY type of HOCD or anxiety thing online.
I stayed away from it.

I really can't remember if i googled something about it, and that's what triggered my thoughts again or what.

But maybe you should ditch this site, and any other site related like this, for a few days, and see what it does....
Do you have one really good day, followed by a few bad days?

I do.
The good day makes you feel "Normal" and happy again.
Now think... If you were truly gay, you would not have a "straight day" or straight days if you've never had them before.

But this thing wants you to think you have some latent homosexuality....
but as sure as you are that you can't turn gay over night, i am sure i can't turn straight over night.

The hardest part of the HOCD is the part of : Wow... What if i Don't go back to normal? What if i don't feel happy again?
That' the scariest question, and i'm sure that's what keeps us analyzing and asking, when will it get better?

I just hope you the best...
But instead of blogging, i'd stay off any of these sites for a few days.... After today, i am going to do that for a few days and see if i see an improvement.
Try, and see if the thoughts lessen, even a little.

I've seen people on other boards struggling with this for like 4 years.... Thats beyond scary.
I hope yours doesn't come to that, or anyone elses.

I mean, even the few days

I mean, even the few days after I did that when I was really freaking out, I still knew I was straight. I'm not turned on by men at all, never have been, I don't find men attractive, and I definitely do not think of being in a relationship with them, because I'm straight. That night I was just extremely desperate for sex and did something unnatural for me because my dopamine crazed brain was out of whack. Hell, I was horrified with myself before, during, and after it happened. And like Marnia said in her reply, it wouldn't have mattered if I was screwing a cow or a human, I was just looking to screw so my brain could get that dopamine high.

Girls have always given me

Girls have always given me butterflies, always. Even a few weeks before I started this reboot when I met my current girlfriend, she gave me butterflies, and still does. Hell, the first time we held each other and kissed I could just feel that spark between us, I could feel it in my pants too, haha.

But sometimes the HOCD is so strong it makes me start to doubt a lot. It's like a cycle: I'll be depressed because of my HOCD. I'll then spend time with my girlfriend and kinda forget about it for awhile. I'll feel good for a bit, kissing and cuddling her, but then when I leave to go back home and I'm away from her, my HOCD comes back.

My problem is that I need to learn how to handle it when I'm away from her. Because when I'm with her she takes my mind off of it, and I feel better, but I can't seem to handle it when I'm away from her.

What about

exercise? Meditation? Socializing with other friends? Walks in nature? Doing something creative? Those are some of the time honored methods of regulating mood. Thousands of years of testing and success.

Try them all and see what works.

Wow, I know this is an older

Wow, I know this is an older thread, but this story is spot on.

My HOCD also disappears when I'm masturbating daily to all kinds of tranny porn and other stuff. Once I stop the cycle, the HOCD is terrible! I start to convince myself that I'm just repressing my sexuality and that I should go look at tranny porn. After a lengthy reset, I don't even feel turned on by it, but I keep forcing myself to look at it for some reason. Eventually, I start to get aroused by it again.

The anxiety

is a sign of withdrawal...not an indication of sexual orientation. Very confusing, I know. But you have proven this to yourself repeatedly.

Escaping porn is ultimately the way out, but stick with it.

I have very similar

I have very similar experiences...right after I masterbate is when the HOCD is the worst, after I try to abstain, the HOCD gets so bad that I want to masterbate to relieve the anxiety. I keep on convincing myself that I am repressing my sexuality, after I read about freud's theories. I dont know what to believe, some of his theories sound like plain BS, especially about dreams and stuff. I think freud made some contributions to pyschology, but lets face it some of his theories were too out of wack with reality. Marnia, whats your opinion on freud? From what I heard, he did not believe in treating OCD or HOCD, which immediatly for me raises a red flag. Repressed sexuality or latent homosexuality doesnt exist in my opinion. You cant have an unconcious sexuality, because sexuality is something that is innate. Of course you can mess it up with pornography and masterbation, but like doidge said, it is a pseudosexaulity, carved in by plastiicty.

The only part I disagree with doidge is the part about your porn taste to relate to experiences when you were younger. I think that is complete BS. I agree with plasticity, because I have experienced it myself. But hell, Ive had a million different porn tastes, from lesbian porn to transexual porn to beastiality to whatever. The possiblities are infinite. Reason plasticity, not the BS that freud talks about in dreams and early childhood experiences. Hell, in my childhood, Ive always wanted women, just the thought of sex was appealing.

I think with the new research on brain plasticity, it is time to say goodbye to all the theories of uncounciousness that freud has given us. It is the 21st century not the 1800's anymore.

Fraud was full of it

mostly a bunch of nonsense.

The best solution to HOCD is to not believe your own thoughts at all. And this goes for every fear we have. I'm always trying not to believe what I think Smile It's pretty cool actually. The mind comes up with a bunch of stuff and most of it is utter B.S. But we believe it anyway. Silly of us.

Porn addiction is like addiction to heroin or crack. People will do all sorts of things to get more heroin or crack. Their behavior makes no sense unless you "get" addiction and what it does.

There is nothing to read into your sexual orientation from porn use, nothing. It's just behavior like a crack addict does, who in their right mind, past their addictions, would never think of doing the things they do when they are addicted.

also, I dont see how freud

also, I dont see how freud could have backed up his theories with scientific research. IMO they were just guesses to try to explain something that they did not fully understand. Its like the alchamists in the middle ages trying to come up with theories to explain chemistry. It wasnt until modern chemistry emerged that REAL theories where proven. You cant turn iron into gold and its like freud believing that the unconcious is the pandora's box to everything unwanted in your mind. BS in my opinion. I was reading a text book today, and freud was featured in it. I mean, there are so much more scientifc research done these days with advanced technology that freud never had...and we are still believing in these stupid ideas.

so instead of explaining

so instead of explaining changes in the brain with circuits, plasticity and neurons. He believes that dreams tell everything. Maybe I should go to a fortune teller or pyschic and get my dreams read? Maybe that will tell me everything... can you say bullshit any lounder?

I wrote an item that discussed Freud

because I was fascinated to learn some things about him. Alas, the search feature of the site isn't working. But it's called:

Freud, Fraud and Sexual Health | Reuniting

I agree that a lot of sexual tastes are meaningless escalation these days - which reverses itself when the brain returns to balance. If it weren't for Internet porn, maybe tastes would be more tied to life experiences. Dunno.