I feel a profound sense of lack. Loneliness. Sometimes. I think the problem is that, besides growing up in abusive, dysfunctional home, There was no love shown, none of the normal, affectionate touching and play that a family has normally.
And then, I grew up, and still no love shown, like the whole world wanted to ignore me and watch me wither and die. I feel as if that's what has happened, I have withered and died inside and I cannot understand. I cannot understand the world around me, the things people do and how they relate to each other.
I really believe this, that everything we say and do has an energy, and because I was never given and allowed to share this energy, I don't have it, and this is why I am not attractive to most people. I am speaking not just of sexual attraction, but the other kind of attraction that makes people want to be around you and stay friends with you and all that. That I am depleted and empty and people don't want to be around that.
But I can't be completely empty, can I? Or I wouldn't question, I wouldn't reason. I wouldn't be having this conversation with myself.
But, really... There seems to be something about me that drives people away or makes them not want to be close, and I'm not completely sure what it is. It doesn't make any sense, and the few close friends I have had don't know why, either.