Feeling of lack.

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I feel a profound sense of lack. Loneliness. Sometimes. I think the problem is that, besides growing up in abusive, dysfunctional home, There was no love shown, none of the normal, affectionate touching and play that a family has normally.

And then, I grew up, and still no love shown, like the whole world wanted to ignore me and watch me wither and die. I feel as if that's what has happened, I have withered and died inside and I cannot understand. I cannot understand the world around me, the things people do and how they relate to each other.

I really believe this, that everything we say and do has an energy, and because I was never given and allowed to share this energy, I don't have it, and this is why I am not attractive to most people. I am speaking not just of sexual attraction, but the other kind of attraction that makes people want to be around you and stay friends with you and all that. That I am depleted and empty and people don't want to be around that.

But I can't be completely empty, can I? Or I wouldn't question, I wouldn't reason. I wouldn't be having this conversation with myself.

But, really... There seems to be something about me that drives people away or makes them not want to be close, and I'm not completely sure what it is. It doesn't make any sense, and the few close friends I have had don't know why, either.

Comments

Have you thought about how

Have you thought about how you came to be friends with your close friends? Not how you met them, but the nuanced interactions that laid the foundation for friendship. Maybe there's a pattern that can reveal something.

Perhaps you have to come to terms that there's nothing wrong with you and from there you can address the lack in a less self-critical way. It likely doesn't help if you see yourself as unworthy because you didn't receive before.

What about

spending your next vacation at a community? I think you might like it. If you want ideas, PM me.

Sometimes, all you need to do is jumpstart your nervous system...by reminding it of how warm connection feels.

Marnia wrote:

[quote=Marnia]What about spending your next vacation at a community? I think you might like it. If you want ideas, PM me. Sometimes, all you need to do is jumpstart your nervous system...by reminding it of how warm connection feels.
[/quote]
I didn't get what you meant exactly by community? Meaning cult? Commune? Nudist colony?

Maybe there is another part

Maybe there is another part of this equation. I tend to love people really deeply, to a degree that is not acceptable in our society. As such, I do not always express myself completely, for fear of misunderstanding and rejection. I'm not just talking about homophobia, for example, I once hugged a coworker on impulse, which she didn't know how to take. I later saw her laughing about it with another coworker, acting it out and how awkward it was for her. Apparently something about it scared her and she told everyone I was creepy or something. And, although she wasn't really that great of a person anyway, that experience.... Don't know how to say it... I wasn't the same after that...

Energy that is not used stagnates and can become negative energy, anger and sadness and such, over time, like rotting food....

Another thing.... I remember the first time I felt a profound sense of loneliness. I think I was 7 or 8 and I was alone in the house, and I came to a sudden, full realization of it. It was such an awful feeling. I think this was the first time I realized I no longer had or was aware of an "imaginary" friend. I think imaginary friends are real, some type of spirit guide or companion. I don't know what separated us... People tell children they're not real, so the children believe it. That alone could be it.... I don't know....

I had a friend who

always had those friends. He still never flies without "The Airplane Lady."

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but there are other really sensitive people out there who would totally understand your extra sensitivity. Are you looking in the right places?