How to deal with homo-erotic dreams? What do they say about me?

Submitted by bw2011 on
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Pornography got me involved with looking at homosexual imagery. And for years I was trying to convince myself I wasn't homosexual but without knowing where to find help. I do pretty well at the convincing, at times admitting to a desire of the male body to not caring where intimacy came from, having not gotten close enough to girls despite having lots of girl friends and a million other reasons. This makes me think I accepted these tastes a while ago and gave up fighting. Deep down I don't really accept it though and hence never went out and did anything homosexual in the 'real' world, which is why I'm here. I've read a bit on dopamine and can accept that it plays a large role to what I've been exposed to and wired myself up for so...

I'm 11 days into solid abstinence with the last use of pornography about 1 month ago. I've attempted it before but it's only been a reduction in use of pornography and masturbation.

I feel ok, a little physically and emotionally tired but mentally determined and less anxious, but as I get on into abstinence I initially noticed no desire/sensation/etc whatsoever. Now I get homo-erotic dreams as I sleep. This is one of the things that set me off when I was younger. Since I can't control dreams and they are very powerful because your body is relaxed and free to feel anything it tends to convince me there's something different about my sexuality.

Does anyone know how to deal with these? Should I just continually let the dreams and associated feelings pass until I have fully "rebooted"? I just don't know what to expect in the long-term as I want to think, feel and react, 100% straight?

Thanks,
bw.

I'm going to hazard a response....

I will confess to you that sometimes I have such dreams. When I wake up I say to myself wtf was that? Then I move on and don't think about it. For me I have no question that I'm hetero but I think porn has sensitized me to what it must be like to have a sexual attraction toward men. In other words, I think I could "get off" that way too but it is not my orientation or preference. So that being said it is possible to have sexual feelings toward the same sex (such as in a dream or even while awake) and still prefer the opposite sex.

In conclusion dreams are only fleeting images while we are asleep and are not overly significant in my view except for whatever latent feelings I might have when I wake up. They soon dissipate for me, no matter what the dream was about if it made me happy, sad, angry or lustful.

Whatever you viewed a lot of

during your porn "career"...your brain is going to be processing those images for a while. Most guys who reboot report such dreams. It may be your brain "searching" for what it got off to in the past. I may be you trying on different options.

Whatever's going on, you won't really be able to figure it out until your brain is back in balance. So put it on your agenda to worry about this in about three months. Smile Meanwhile, just let the cartoons run in your brain without taking them too seriously.

Also be aware that anxiety can amp up excitement in the brain. And withdrawal can amp up anxiety. So the dreams may get more frequent for a while. Just observe and defer any analysis. At the end of the process you'll feel a lot clearer.

The HOCD material on YBOP may be of some interest: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual

thanks for your feedback

thanks for your feedback dano and marina. i appreciate it. i think you're right dano on it not being my preference either i just have trouble when the feelings are there particularly if i wake up that way. it's just got my going but i don't really agree with it despite having bought into it for a little while. i think it was just the thrill of it but nothing deeper. not something i can see myself pursuing in the real world but i'll stick at the reboot and see how things go. i never follow through on any desire or images that pop up in my head now so i feel relatively in control. thanks marina. i'll take a look at that article too.