Day 130 of no porn and I have no libido, getting desperate

Submitted by stiffler49 on
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Hi, I posted to this site a while back when I started my road to recovery. A quick background, I'm 32 and I had been masturbating to porn just about everyday for about 20 years. I have gone 130 days without watching any porn and I have masturbated 4 times during this time period (last time was about 8 weeks ago). At about days 70 - 100 I noticed a nice improvement sexually. I have a gf who I have been with for about 7 months now and we were having good sex during this time frame (usually 2 - 3 times per week). However, about a month ago my libido absolutely flatlined. I mean over the last month I have had zero desire to look at porn, masturbate or have sex...I mean nothing. My penis is essentially lifeless. I have never felt like this in my entire life and it is very scary and I feel like am running out of time. Needless to say we have had infrequent sex over the last month and when we do it usually isn't very good (i.e me losing my erection in the middle). My gf has been become very frustrated by this as she is starting to think its because I am no longer attracted to her which couldn't be further from the truth (she is absolutely beautiful). In fact, tonight she stormed out of my apartment after another failed attempt at sex. I am extremely worried that she is going to break up with me if this doesn't get resolved soon, but I have no clue how to get my libido back and I can't expect her to wait forever as she has already been very patient with me up to this point (if I was in her position I probably would have broke up with me at this point). I feel so helpless right now and I have no answers. Why am I still having all these issues after 130 days? I thought I was supposed to get better not worse? If anyone has any advice whatsoever I would appreciate it. I am now seriously considering going to see a therapist at this point...has this helped anyone else?

Few questions

You say you masturbated 4 times. Did you start having orgasms at day 70 during sex, with no orgasms before that? Did you continue to have orgasms from day 70 until the present?

When in doubt see a good urologist. Check for hormone levels, and prostatitis.

Update

Just to answer you questions, I started having sex at about day 45 of no pmo with my girlfriend. I had mixed success for about 3 months. But yes I had been having orgasms from day 45 with my girlfriend (approx 1 or 2 per week). Then in late November, early December my libido went away completely. Like I didn't even feel like a man anymore, no interest in sex whatsoever, with anyone. Since then about once every two weeks or so I will get a spike in libido for a day or two where all I can think about is sex but then once I have it, it goes away again. Its a cycle that I can't seem to break. Also, I don't have a problem getting an erection. Usually what happens when my libido is low is that I can get an erection when starting to get intimate with my girlfriend but I can't keep it and intercourse is not possible at that point and the girlfriend gets frustrated and I get frustrated and its a vicious cycle.

Will Kegels increase libido?

I am in very good shape, I lift weights and run about 5 times a week and I eat very healthy. Don't smoke and barely drink alcohol anymore. I just got a full physical with bloodwork and urinalysis about a month ago and everything is perfect in that regard. Really don't know what to do anymore...I'm going to lose a great girl because of this. I barely feel like a man anymore.

It may have been too early

to begin orgasms. Mixed success means not back to normal. You say 1-2 per week starting at day 45, plus 4 masturbations mixed in. Your hormones are fine, and you were beginning to see improvement, so that indicates you were on the right road.

If you're feeling

really open minded...why not experiment with karezza the next time your libido is up?

Have sex (gently and lovingly) but don't orgasm. (She doesn't have to skip her own orgasm, but it's usually more fun if you both stay on this side of the line together...like riding a surfboard together.) See if that keeps your libido from slumping afterward.

You may just be sensitive to the hangover after orgasm (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200908/the-pas... ) or not fully rebooted, and needing a less taxing approach for a bit longer.

Hello Stiffler49

I'm wondering, are you very anxious at sex? are you anxious it will not work? Because I think that is (1 of the) reasons I sometimes had trouble with my girlfriend, even after a long time without PMO like you.

I am also at 130+ days without PMO, I also have a girlfriend, which I sometimes had sex with, with orgasms, and I also sometimes didn't get hard at all and didn't have libido to start doing sex. Also, when 'it' didn't work, we had such big arguments that, pardon me saying, I WISH she stormed out of the house... needless to say that didn't help me getting over my anxiety. And thats why i'm wondering if perhaps that plays a role.

I am more and more inclined to say that my doctor was right, the first time I went to him with my ED problems over a year ago. He said 'do with your girlfriend what works'. After doing it for a long time, and it works, you'll loose anxiety and you can start the next level, the next thing until that also works.

I guess its a bit what Marnia says, try karezza... I'm doing that with my girlfriend now, and it not only goes good, I even now get more pleasure from that, then the pleasure I got from PMO.

Hope you'll get better, and if you do please report back!

I don't see the issue

It is taking you a long time to get your libido back.

I understand it's disconcerting.

But you've had this problem for decades. And you are upset because things aren't the way you would like them to be after 130 days.

Your GF is impatient. Well, whose problem is that? Why make it yours?

1. It's her problem if she's upset that you don't perform the way she perceives you should. Think about this. Think about it a lot. It's really key.

2. A lot of times, us guys make this worse by focusing on our erections. Then the woman we are with picks up on our being upset and she gets upset.

3. Marnia's tip about Karezza is a great one. I have had so much more pleasure with Karezza that I will never go back too regular sex. And PMO is a non-issue for me and I don't masturbate. We have sex for a long time compared to the old days just about every day.

4. My GF stuck with me when I had ED problems. I had never actually had intercourse with a woman successfully until my GF, the right GF who is now my wife of 25 years.

5. I've learned something interesting lately. May not apply but it may. If I am very aroused for an extended period without intercourse over a few days, I lose my libido pretty much completely. For a day or so. You may be experiencing a version of this.

Thanks for the responses

Parcival it does seem my situation is similar to yours. I do believe its a combination of low sexual desire and performance anxiety and they both feed off each other. I do focus way to much on my erection and this is usually the beginning of the end as once I start thinking about it its all over. I need to start focusing on her more and stop worrying about myself.

Emerson, you make a great point about my gf. I think her issue is that she had sex with her last boyfriend 5-6 times a week and so she perceives this as the norm and somehow equates this with love. Of course other than the sex their relationship was a disaster and ended badly. We have a very good relationship besides the sex, almost the complete opposite. In the end, if she isn't understanding of my problem and willing to help me through it then I guess she's not the one for me and needs to find a guy who can satisfy her sexual needs NOW. It just sucks because she is a great girl and I can understand where she is coming from, she thinks my sexual dysfuntion is a result of me not being attracted to her, and no matter how many times I try to explain this is not the case she does not believe it.

As for Karezza I have never really considered this. I doubt the GF would go for this as orgasm is extremely important to her and she is not much for foreplay at all (she does not enjoy giving or receiving oral sex as well). She does really enjoy the act of sex however.

Its just so odd this situation, two weeks ago we went to the movies together and I had an erection during almost the entire movie just holding hands with her in the theatre. When we got home and had amazing sex. I was still extremely aroused for the rest of the day but we didn't have sex again. Then the next day my libido was non existent again and it hasn't come back since.

My GF told me tonight over text that we need to talk in person tomorrow about everything which to me sounds like the prelude to either a breakup or her telling me that we need some time apart (which is essentially a breakup). I guess maybe in the end what I need is to be alone for a while until I get these issues resolved. Maybe I need more time without an orgasm to reboot completely.

Sorry for rambling. Anyways, thanks for the input everyone and sharing your personal experiences. This really helps knowing there are people out there that know what I am going through. Any other advice would be appreciated.

Damn im sorry about the

Damn im sorry about the tough situation your goin through man ... Im feeling pretty anxious to because im in the same predicament .... In the sense that i just dont feel comfortable talkin wit females this point of my life because im scared to fail ... I swear each time i meet another girl and i fail to get it up, i fall into depression .... I literally feel like i have nothing to live for ... Its literally a feeling of hopelessness and despair which takes weeks to shake off ... Thats why im glad i have a girl who is willing to wait a couple extra montgs for me and at the same time give me those feelings of affection that i most certainly need ... Man if shorty cant understand wat ur goin through then IMO just break it off ... Its already hard enough that we rebooters are going through the stress of sexually performing as it is and if someone cant understand why that is and is not even patient enough to wait it out with u, then u absolutely dont need her ... U need a clear mind wit no pressure period and imo u should try to find someway to explain to her that u need some time to recooperate ... My take on the situation, wish you the best

Just a temporary suggestion

Just a temporary suggestion in order to try and save your relationship- try viagara or cialis. You will definitely get hard. Don't overdo it but I'm telling you it's a miracle drug and with any luck you won't become addicted to it.

5-6 week? That's quite unusual to sustain for more than 6 months in my experience. I'm around 2-3x now and she usually wants it more often!

Best luck! Your problems have solutions!

ps Stifler- man up bro! Be strong! Be brave! Don't let her bring you down. Our happiness comes from within.

you answered

"As for Karezza I have never really considered this. I doubt the GF would go for this as orgasm is extremely important to her and she is not much for foreplay at all (she does not enjoy giving or receiving oral sex as well). She does really enjoy the act of sex however."

Well, she can orgasm, but you don't have to. My wife is till having an occasional orgasm, not the end of the world. Karezza doesn't really involve a lot of oral at least it doesn't feel like that, so that's no worries. And she will get a ton more sex this way and you won't have performance issues to worry about. Win-win.