Still Trying :(

Submitted by PornAddictTim on
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Hi,

I'm not sure if many will remember me, but I posted on here often last year about my porn addiction struggles. I've been watching porn for 15 years. Everyone joked about porno mags in school, so I never thought anything of my Internet porn usage throughout my teens. I let myself advance from typical Playboy pictures to some of the sickest stuff available over this course of time. I initially advanced to fetish straight porn. While searching for more extreme forms of porn, I stumbled across tranny porn. Despite the grief and identity-questioning it caused me, I could not stop watching it.

After becoming sexually active a few years ago and having arousal difficulties, I came across this site. It answered many questions and allowed me to finally recognize my problem. I've made it 4-8 weeks on many occasions, but I continue to fail. When I do abstain, I feel great. I'm aroused by females in normal situations, I have no issues in bed, and I don't waste hours of my life away every night.

I was doing great recently. I fell for a girl I met really quickly which is rare for me. Sex with her was amazing and I felt great just being around her. The thought of porn was non-existent, so I went nearly 2 months without it. Things didn't work out for an unrelated reason and I became a bit depressed which led to a relapse. I saw a girl dancing in a YouTube video which I found very arousing, so I decided to just masturbate to it once to deal with my frustration. This led to an all out binge and I found myself looking at tranny porn again. I've experimented with real transexuals in the past when even the tranny porn began to bore me. When I spend time away from porn and begin to reset, I look back and wonder what the f*ck I was thinking, but I'm in a different world when I'm craving the dopamine hit. This time, I convinced myself that I should stop repressing my attraction and blaming it on a porn addiction. I ended up having sex with a tranny. I was aroused, but I felt disgusted afterwards...just like I do after watching tranny porn.

So, I'm trying to start over again. I really hope to make progress this year. Despite the many failures last year, I watched way less porn than ever before. I just want to find love and be able to have a healthy sexual relationship with a girl. Until I can overcome this porn addiction, that will not be possible.

Good to hear from you

I wondered how you were getting along.

Sounds like your choice is clearer than ever. It's a matter of getting really clear about what you want. BTW, since you were last here, we've learned something important. *Only straight guys are attracted to tranny porn.* Yep, you read that right. Porn makers know that, and even the data that Ogas and Gaddam turned up in their investigation of Internet porn searches showed the same thing.

Did you see this article? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201110/can-you...

Of course, as you know, your brain will always try to rationalize getting to that next dopamine hit when it feels like it desperately needs it. (It doesn't need it. It needs time to return to balance. The "hit" will never satisfy, unfortunately.) I think you'd find this post helpful too, as it helps explain how "sensitized" pathways can get a rise out of you, even as you get desensitized to normal pleasure: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201201/why-do-...

Keep us posted!

Thanks for continued

Thanks for continued support, Marnia. I did read that article and it was extremely helpful.

I've been binging for the past few days after convincing myself that the transgender attraction was something that I just needed to accept. The first comment in the link posted seemed to reinforce this belief. But, I'm not going to over-analyze the sexuality part since the past two days have illustrated the extent of my problem.

I've had no sleep from staying up and watching porn. I count down the hours left until I can head home and start masturbating. I've avoided phone calls and events to stay home. I've neglected some very important work that I need to be focused on. I seriously feel like a drug addict. I have no self-control.

Seeking sex to carry out my porn fantasies is what I fear more because of the risks involved. I know many people claim that porn addicts don't want to carry out their fantasies in reality, but it seems to eventually lead to a sex addiction in some cases. I strictly watched porn for the first 14 years until I decided to carry out the same fantasies in reality. This usually happens in the middle of a porn binge when I'm having trouble finding the right porno to get aroused from, but I'm craving dopamine. In the past, after a 1 month reset from porn and sex, it shocked me to look back on the stuff I was doing. It now seemed disgusting.

But, for the first time in the past week, I finally feel confident in starting another reset. I'll check back in occasionally, but I'll probably need to limit my Internet connectivity.

Thank you.

I've nearly made it through

I've nearly made it through this first day without PMO. If I can get through the first 2-3 days, I'll break the cycle and it will become much easier. Beyond that, it's just a matter of staying focused and avoiding another relapse in a month or so.

Great. I'm on day 4. The

Great. I'm on day 4. The first day was very difficult due to the chaser effect, but beyond that, it hasn't been too bad. Around the 5-7 day mark, the desire to view porn doesn't get much worse, but I definitely start to crave masturbation. I don't think masturbation alone is a problem, but it has always been linked with porn in my case. Every failure so far has started with masturbation (no porn). The chaser effect afterwards led to more masturbation and eventual porn use.

Hang in there!

Hope you're doing okay. Great job on getting through the first few days. Stay vigilant, especially around the 3 week mark. Soon, it won't be "PornAddictTim"...it will be "Tim". :)

Thanks for the link. Despite

Thanks for the link. Despite the relapses along the way, I do seem to be slowly improving. The subsequent attempts become easier and the improvements become noticeable sooner.

I'm on day 9 with no porn or masturbation. I did have sex. It was with a girl who I do care about, but it may have not been a good idea at this stage since it made the HOCD questioning worse. The orgasm also made the following days difficult. I just don't know if I can stay away from P/M if I abstain from sex. When I've spent weeks away from porn and masturbation in the past, I continued to have sex. The more time away from P/M, the better the sex became. So, I decided to keep it in the equation since I eventually want to have an active, healthy sex life anyways.

If you have to choose

definitely take the sex. The more loving and less "hot" you keep it, the less intense the chaser. But either way...as long as you're ready for the fallout you may be able to ease your way through. Day 9 is great.

Day 13

I'm definitely struggling today and feeling some of the withdrawal symptoms. It's also not working out with the girl which is killing my motivation since she kept my mind off of porn. I've been going to sleep really early just to prevent myself from sitting in front of the computer and giving in. I know masturbation will calm me down, but I don't want it to lead to a porn relapse.

Stay Strong

There will be other things that help you to calm down. We have to realise that M will just be a short term fix, in the long term it will set you back.
Keep going!!

Haha, that does sound like an

Haha, that does sound like an effective last ditch effort, but I'm still going at the 2 week mark.

I somewhat envy those who flatline. I'm too horny to even talk to girls effectively after a week without orgasm. But, it is nice to see normal tastes return and realize that I will always be attracted to women.

Sorry about the lack of

Sorry about the lack of updates. I have stayed away from porn for nearly 6 weeks now. I met a girl who I truly fell for. The sex has been great and I have no erection or orgasm problems. Lately, I kept thinking about the trans porn and whether or not I am straight. I ended up masturbating today while imagining sex with transexuals. It seemed to turn me on more than a straight fantasy. I don't understand this and I am doubting whether or not this is tied to porn or actual sexual orientation. I usually start having these feelings around this point which cause me to throw in the towel and decide to just keep watching porn. I want to avoid a relapse, but I wish I wouldn't feel like I'm suppressing some kind of underlying sexual urges or something.