I realized that the comment I posted on Thursday evening about my accomplishments this week was quite a leap from my last post. I had written about a very traumatic experience, then disappeared, then reappeared talking about activism and public speaking. Even reading that myself, I get confused. So I wanted to post again to explain how these things are connected, all things being relative to the work I'm doing now within this community.
I think I explained it pretty well in an email I sent to a friend the other night, so I'm just going to repost that here:
[quote]This whole activism adventure has been such an incredible experience. Most of the stuff I've done has been pretty scary for me. I'm not that outgoing of a person. But when I get into the room with these people, I feel so inspired, it gives me the strength to put my fears and inhibitions aside, at least temporarily. It is pushing me into parts of myself that I didn't even know existed. There is definitely a very healing aspect about this, almost like a spiritual awakening. This is incredibly ironic, however, seeing as how it is happening within a highly secular organization. I don't really have anywhere to comfortably express what this means to me, seeing as how it involves controversial ideas on both sides, but I'm just really grateful that this is where my life has led me.
Tonight, we had a meeting about women's rights in honor of International Women's Day on March 8. We are going to be participating in a demonstration next Saturday, and after the mass anti-war demonstration is over and done with in a couple weeks, I'm going to be working on organizing a women's conference here in Los Angeles to be held in April. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that this topic definitely strikes a chord with me. I have given my feminine power away for so long, and this work is helping me to recognize it again, and take it back. This overflows into every part of my life, but most especially into my attitude about intimacy and relationships.
I get so terrified when I think about going into another relationship. I am scared of talking about my past, about the mistakes I made when I was young and hurting and sexually irresponsible. I'm also really scared about presenting these ideas of non-orgasmic sex to someone that I really care about, and being rejected again. I have a lot of work to do to overcome these fears, but first and foremost I need to build confidence in myself. I need to feel in my heart that I deserve to be loved for who I am. I guess that's why this week was so monumental for me, because I felt it for awhile, and it felt really good.
I think that means that I'm on the right track. So, I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, working hard, blogging, and see where it takes me. Sound good?[/quote]
I think that's all for tonight. Thank you also to everyone for their supportive comments about the work I'm doing. The encouragement of others here really means a great deal to me.