My boyfriend probably has AS (Asperger Syndrome). It's a high-functioning form of autism. We don't have an official diagnosis yet for financial and political reasons. Don't get me started. Regardless, we're acting as if it is real and behaving accordingly. It can't hurt anything to do so, so there's nothing to lose.
People with AS have a particularly hard time with visualization and objectification - specifically, they do it way more than normal. It has to do with which parts of the brain are less functional and which are more than normally functional. They also have issues with "stimming" or stimulating themselves in order to focus and feel okay. Unfortunately for us, his "stim" is grabbing himself. He's subtle about it in public, but when it comes to being with me, he's open. And, of course, in private its a free for all. So, yeah. Do the math.
Porn is beyond an addiction for him. And when no pictures are physically present, there are plenty inside his head to rifle through. And when those are going on, and he's engaged in activity, he's "not with me". He feels guilty for doing this, and therefore has a hard time being present with me when we're having sex. The whole thing snowballs.
Add to that that he's a recovering Meth addict who seems to have finally hit bottom, and so far, doing really well.
I get it. It's a brain thing. But it is wasting our time. I'm 45 years old. Time is precious to me. I have wasted enough time in my life and I am not willing to keep watching my time go down the drain while I'm getting older. I'm not impatient. I've been patient with all the men I've been with. Especially with my husband. That got me exploited and dumped when I was most vulnerable. I've been with this man for almost 4 years. I'm simply not willing to "be okay" while his fear keeps him locked in a downward spiral for so much of our time together. I'm not okay.
Part of it is a brain thing for me too. My body is trying to create something. It doesn't really know what. My higher consciousness is the only one who really knows that. But it knows that it hasn't been accomplished yet. I have two children from my marriage, but that's not it. Reproduction of my species did not turn off the clock. And my clock is ticking.
I want to produce reciprocal transcendent love.
I'm actually very close. This is the closest I've ever been. And when I'm emotionally exhausted, I can't come from that place of pure compassion. I'm overdosing on all my chemicals. I need a break so I can come down. Then I can be there for him in his fear.
We have engaged in orgasmic sex alot, but the more guilt and fear he feels, the less he can achieve an orgasm. This seems to be directly linked for him. I'm thinking its an AS thing. He also has a hard time being honest about it all when he's in active porn addiction. Lately we've had less sex due to time-constraints. I think the lag in vaginal orgasms and sex for him has emphasized the down-regulating of all that juice and it's spiralling pretty badly for him.
My concern is this: We're caught between orgasms being a good sign of Presence for him and their chemical hangover. For him to have an orgasm while having sex, facing me, is a sign of emotional and spiritual health for him. There's no doubt about this. It's the thermometer for his quality of sexual experience with me. His head is clear of fear and guilt and he can actually be Present. It's easy to spiritualize his experience of non-orgasmic sex in light of Marnia's project here, but the truth is that it's not that simple for him and may actually reinforce his dishonesty in these periods of active inner-porn addiction.
I need to tread carefully, for both our sakes. Any help or advice?
I have read some of the reports about oxytocin and autism and I'm very aware of how important it is for him to get alot of it in a natural way. There are more ways to get it than sex, and he's engaged in actively caring about others, so right now he's unconsciously becoming addicted to that and avoiding me due to the lack of chemical reinforcements.
It is a tangled web.