Hello to everybody on this forum.
I am a 29 year old heterosexual man with a habit of masturbating to pornography. After reading „Peace between the sheets“, I decided to stop it for good. This is not the first time I reflect on the issue of sexuality. Years ago I discovered the connection between my physical and psychological symptoms and masturbation. Unfortunately I came to follow the doctrine of a false guru. He sells his products on the internet. Marnia cites him in her book on p. 47/48. Initially I felt better taking his products, but eventually his „dopamine formula“ led to even more self-indulgence, which in the long run aggravated the hangover symptoms.
So I searched for alternatives and found „Brahmacharya“ by Swami Sivananda. I stopped masturbating and fantasising for two weeks. I followed his proposition to control my mind, and what shall I say - it was ridiculously easy. Then my former girlfriend, with whom I had a long-distance relationship at the time, made a visit, and gone were all the good resolutions.
I am very much in favour of what Marnia calls the middle way. I always believed in striving for balance, avoiding the extremes, and the "Exchanges" really make sense to me. But there is this one thing that I am grappling with lately. I am into Bondage. Not BDSM, mind you. It is more like what some call „Love Bondage“. It revolves around tying each other up. That’s it. No spanking, no torture, no humiliation. I do not like pain. My favourite practice is tying my partner up and then caressing her, enjoying the immense trust she is giving me. I love to see her relishing her helplessness, and I try to express how deeply grateful I am for her to have surrendered willingly her very being into my hands. For me it is about accepting a gift you have to honour. Maybe you have heard of it being consensual, etc. I do not like to do this with a woman who does not want it herself. And as much as I like to caress a willingly bound woman, I enjoy her tying me up, stroking and pampering me.
Why, of course this often leads to conventional orgasm, and there I see indeed a problem. But – and this may be difficult to understand for someone who is not into this – the sexual aspect can under certain circumstances take a back seat. Sometimes my former girlfriend would tie me up and continue preparing her lessons (she was a schoolteacher). I knew she would not have the time to engage in anything sexual. Only now and then she would take a break to look after me. She would lie down by my side and cuddle up to me. In the intervals between her visits I went into what people call „subspace“. No, I did not have any spiritual experiences (although I have heard of that, too), but I was in a state of deep relaxation.
I admit that this was not always the case, as I was naturally inclined to fantasise, thereby triggering the nerochemical changes which make us desire a climax. But I am wondering if there is not a way to include my sexual predisposition in the "Exchanges". I am speaking of „predisposition“ because I do not see how I could break away from it without negating myself. Sure, I have not yet experienced a valley orgasm induced by mutual giving and the psychological changes generated by it. I am however about to finish the third week of abstinence from pornography and masturbation (I am currently single). Maybe this is too early to expect radical changes, but I sense that Bondage is a part of my being. I did not get there by looking at pornography. When I was a little boy, long before I knew what sex is all about, I would get an erection when I unwittingly watched a scene where a woman was being tied up.
There are countless attempts to explain where such inclinations originate from. Everything has a reason, and although I might not be able to pinpoint it, I know for sure that it has nothing to do with banal, coincidental occurrences in the period of infancy. There is more to it.
When I tie my partner up, I like her to see the ropes as an extension of my embraces, and to feel safe and secure. The way I see it, this is not as far away from the notion of giving as it first seems when you hear the word „Bondage“. It does not necessarily lead to the objectification of the other person, from my experience it can be quite the contrary. Of course, you would have to substitute loving exchanges for conventional intercourse.