Little or No Pleasure from Sex

Submitted by pin_cushion on
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Hi everyone!

I spent several hours reading over this web site this morning; I'll see about getting my hands on "Peace Between the Sheets" soon. There are some interesting ideas here. It sounds much like Mantak Chia's ideas presented in "The Multiorgasmic Man", which has really fallen flat for me.

Anyhow, I've been involved in another discussion on the internet. A number of people, including myself, are having a rather frustrating sexual difficulty that most doctors have supposedly never heard of: the problem of having sex and experiencing little or no pleasure from it, even at the point of ejaculation. For many of us, this problem happens every single time, and it is usually accompanied by premature ejaculation; in one case, ejaculation with no pleasure after about 30 seconds of kissing with clothes still on! Imagine penetrating, then ejaculating within 1 minute of very light stimulating, and feeling little or no pleasure the whole time, certainly, no sensation that could be compared to a shot of heroine!

I would greatly appreciate any suggestions as to how to heal this from the community here! Please help if you can!

Let me tell you a little bit about my background. I grew up attending a Christian school and feeling very guilty about masturbation, so from a very early age, sex, masturbation, and even sexual thoughts were associated with fear, guilt, and self-loathing. I felt guilty for all any and all sexual thoughts toward women for the entirety of my childhood and adolescence. I also took up, from an early age, the habit of masturbating by lying prone and rubbing my body against the sheets, a habit which some doctors believe may damage and desensitize the penis.

In spite of all this, I am a daily masturbator. I once did an experiment ( at the suggestion of an acupuncturist ) in seeing what would happen if I simply ceased masturbating. After a while, I started feeling a lot of tension, as if I would ejaculate if someone so much as touched my penis, and finally after about three weeks, my experiment ended with a wet dream, with no feeling of pleasure what-so-ever. I was devastated.

I also grew up on a steady diet of junk food ( sugary drinks in particular ) and stimulating video games. I know that the author of this web site has suggested that regularly eating junk food may alter the brain's pleasure-reward circuitry. Fortunately, I am off the junk-food and on a mostly whole-food diet at this time, although I still tend to eat out a bit and have cravings for sweets. I have sometimes wondered if video games could have a similar effect on the brain's pleasure-reward circuitry. For what it's worth, I don't play nearly as many video games as I used to. First of all, I just don't find the stimulation nearly as rewarding as I used to. Second, for the past few years, when I do play video games, I tend to get more enjoyment from the aesthetics of a game with pleasing graphics and music than from the excitement. I have also developed much more appreciation for art and music, which I couldn't have cared less about back in my video game playing days.

I renounced my religious beliefs around age 19 or so. I am now 25 and I do not miss them. Sure, it was nice to have that "Smile, God loves you!" buzz, but I really don't yearn after a God who does the things described in the Holy Bible.

I have been practicing yoga on and off for a few years, with my longest practice being semi-daily sessions of "Bikram Yoga" starting January, 2008. I feel enjoyment and satisfaction in this practice. I also feel enjoyment from music, as I said before, so there is not some complete loss of ability to feel pleasure in my life; it seems to be primarily centered around sex.

I do feel emotional affection for women. I have been without a partner for several years, which I feel is due in part to the negative emotions that I feel toward sex and sometimes toward life in general. I remember having read somewhere a quote along the lines of "An impulse restrained becomes a compulsion". Thus, I feel that by not being able to experience sexual pleasure normally, I feel compelled to constantly chase after it; I often feel consumed by it.

Many of the people who share this difficulty with me, whom I've discussed it with, have things in common, such as guilt about masturbation, prone masturbation, video games, and junk food, but we do not all perfectly match a certain profile. One of the men I discussed this with says that it started when he took anti-depressants. Oh, by the way, I have a history of depression, but that was a few years ago.

Now, let me elaborate some more on the problem. Often times, even kissing feels entirely mechanical. I discovered with one past girlfriend that I could bring her to orgasm by stimulating her ear with my tongue. Being intrigued by this, I decided to see if she could do the same for me ( especially since PE is such a problem for me ) A very strange thing happened. It felt mechanical for a few seconds. Then, I felt sexually charged for a few seconds; then the feeling vanished and I couldn't feel it again. Weird. Anyhow, it's incredibly frustrating that I feel little pleasure from sex, but most genital contact leads almost immediately to ejaculation with no orgasm, even 30 seconds of dry-grinding. The ejaculation can be so uneventful that I don't even have elevated breathing or heartbeat. Other men I have discussed this with say they are the same. The only touch that seems to provide much stimulation is rubbing the glans of the penis, which paradoxically does not lead nearly so quickly to premature ejaculation.

As before, I have been without a partner for some time now. I do seek partners to grow with emotionally and spiritually, but it seems as if they can see that I have an issue and thus run away from me. Furthermore, I fear that if I do have a partner, she won't understand me and I will fail to satisfy her because of the PE and other issues.

If you want to find the discussion about this issue, which at this point is long enough to fill a book ( seriously! ), Google for "ejaculation without orgasm" and "pin_cushion", my handle. Answers will make many people happy!

Just looking for some pointers here.

Best Regards and Best Wishes!

Welcome!

If you'd like to blog, here are the instructions: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Thanks for sharing your story. My first thought is, a daily masturbator? And you're wondering why life seems flat? Your experience is certainly not rare, and what we've been learning may explain it. Namely, over-stimulation can, over time, DEsensitize someone to pleasure. This has to do with dopamine receptors temporarily shutting off. With daily masturbation, you're not giving them time to tune back up.

Orgasm is a powerful "learning reinforcer." That is, like drugs/alcohol, etc., it creates a deep rut in your brain, and that rut links to itself all the images you use when you masturbate. Since that pathway has become the fastest path to "relief," other sources of sexual pleasure can begin to pale beside it. (This is the short answer.)

Porn addicts who visit here sometimes report that it takes months of abstinence (and a few wet dreams along the way) before some of the other "pathways to pleasure" in the brain begin to perk up. You might find this post inspiring: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1282#comment-3002 In the interim, things can seem unusually "gray."

We pair-bonding mammals are *designed* to benefit from a substantial source of feelings of wellbeing through close, trusted companionship. When we don't tap that source, we (humans) fill the emptiness with orgasm, alcohol, video games, drugs and pharmaceuticals. If we were animals, we'd probably keep looking until we found a mate...which, is more uncomfortable in the short run, but more healthy in the long run. We pair-bonders are not well suited to isolation - despite the prevailing "wisdom."

So think about a long-term commitment to rebalancing yourself, accompanied by more interaction with your fellow humans (and particularly those of the opposite polarity). See how you feel. No need to start with sex and orgasm. Mere generous, mutual contact will do a lot. To understand why, have a look here: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/bonding_magic (In other words, performance can wait until you're ready.)

Looking forward to hearing more about your progress. You sound like a delightful man. I hope you won't hide that yang energy. It's needed.