Greetings community -
I want to write and share some exciting first steps that have happened for us (my wife and me) on the path of deepening sexual intimacy. The discussions in this forum, and particularly the inspiration of my friend Hotspring, have been very helpful.
I don't feel we are 'there' yet, and haven't really started working intentionally on exercises. But definitely moved from where we started late last year.
For a while I had been struggling with exploring reducing my own orgasm frequency, feeling drained and somewhat jaded with our sex life and wanting the sessions we had to slow down. But at the same time I would often stroke myself off to reduce tension, so I was in a very conflicted state. And for my wife, my own talk and attempts to not orgasm seemed selfish. It meant her already infrequent and elusive orgasms became even less, since the only way she was climaxing was riding me and I had to interrupt her to try not to come. And emotionally, since for her orgasm was a desirable but infrequent goal, I think my attempting to avoid orgasm came across as distancing myself from the sex we were sharing together.
How to move beyond this stalemate?
Instead of trying to limit my own orgasm, I switched emphasis to encouraging my wife to have control of my orgasm. I set up an online calendar for the two of us, and marked our orgasms on it in a code. The first thing that was obvious to us both was that I was climaxing way more often than her. And that three days was about as long as I would go before stroking off in the shower. Even though I had said this before, putting it out there so starkly was humbling for me.
The first month or more was frustrating for me, because the direction was not what I was trying to steer towards. My wife intentionally made me orgasm in our sex, even if it wasn't at a time that would help her come. It felt mean at the time, but in retrospect I think she needed to move it from my somewhat manipulative setup to her actually being in control. During this time I did stop stroking off to orgasm without her, the last time I did that being over a year ago. While I still stroke myself, ejaculating alone now feels such a letdown that I don't have much trouble resisting it.
Around this stage we also talked a lot about how my libido really fell after orgasm, for several days. I think this was not obvious to my wife, since I could get an erection fairly soon afterwards, but the feeling of arousal was very different. There were a few mutually frustrating occasions when she made me come just before a romantic weekend or evening, and then experienced my lowered desire. Initially I think I played this up, but when she called me on it I tried to be more honest, and that I could still feel affectionate but the real eros was low.
During this time of her deciding when I should come, literally saying when during our lovemaking, I was slowly learning to match my rhythm to her arousal (she on top) without ejaculating. I did do quite a lot of the classic 'kegel' type exercises. Her own orgasms were starting to feel within her control for the first time, and increasing in intensity.
Then came a fairly pivotal love making, when she rode me to her own orgasm, melted in post-relaxation over my still hard cock, and then whispered that I was NOT to come. It was an intense emotional moment for me - both wanting to orgasm and loving being hard and receptive. Since then I have learned to really enjoy her orgasm, I think in many ways more than my own, as such a delicous release and melting of energy over me.
During the last few months she has become much more intentional in deciding when I should orgasm, fitting it around our mutual schedule. It has been up to two weeks apart. Typically on a weekend she will come two or three times, including sometimes relaxing enough to come through oral sex (which wasn't stimulating enough before). Before her orgasm she will often call out my name, which never happened before. For myself, after a week I start to become very yearning for intimacy with her, thinking during the day of ways to connect, and enjoying mutual affectionate time more. If I feel ignored then it can definitely translate into frustration, but I mostly am able to reflect on how I much prefer feeling aroused than depleted, and looking forward to a loving encounter in the near future.
The final thing to share is that I recently suggested that we visit a tantric intimacy coach, and she was very positive and receptive. I couldn't have imagined this a year ago. So our journey will continue, hopefully in ways that combine arousal and affection in ways that are both 'hard' and 'soft'.
If you've read this far, thank you, and thank you for your inspiration.