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Congratulations. You may be in the best position to integrate the material at this site. You’re not blinded by honeymoon neurochemistry—and you have no partner to blame for your relationship woes. Instead you can look back over your love life (or the love lives of others) objectively. “Jeez…there has been a pattern of separation at work in our love lives!”

I found celibate time was particularly valuable for releasing my resentments toward the opposite sex. Insights about the mammalian mating program and sexual satiation helped me see that we’re all innocent, and struggling with similar challenges. Knowledge of the power of subconscious bonding cues made me optimistic about future romance. Both were healing.

Even without a partner, there’s a lot you can do to recalibrate your inner compass—away from the search for mood-altering stimulation, and toward the production of more stress-relieving oxytocin. Do you spend as much time as you can in friendly contact with others? If not, make it a point to hang out more with your fellow human beings. Do you avoid tantalizing sexual stimuli, including porn, romance novels and erotic movies?

Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.—Josh Billings

An interval of celibacy is an ideal time to decide what kind of lover you want to be and what kind of mate you want to have. Being a great lover as defined by today’s popular magazines and TV shows is quite different from being a great karezza lover. The first encourages you to think of yourself as an appetizing sexual snack, displayed in a manner to maximize your short-term success as a gene machine. The second converts you into a healing, nurturing force.

When I shifted to the goal of finding a karezza partner, I saw potential partners completely differently. I didn’t care to waste more time or energy on impulsive gene shopping with its brief, dramatic highs and heartache. I also noticed that such behavior made some of my female friends increasingly afraid of aging, and very competitive toward other women.

Alpha males, although still tempting, did not send me into the same frenzy they once had. Indeed, the hot passion of seduction, casual sex and the thought of surrendering in order to become another unwitting member of an alpha male's harem lost its allure. Men who are seeking to find a karezza partner report that they no longer light up for every set of operational ovaries in quite the same way, either.

I began to find open-minded partners with a bit of self-discipline increasingly attractive. Generosity, thoughtfulness, humor, and good companionship were more important. Appearance, status and earning potential were less so—especially as I realized the power of karezza to create abundance for both partners.

Gradually, I stopped evaluating potential sweethearts in terms of how they could serve/benefit/excite me, and instead began to see myself as a diplomat for harmonious relationships. I found myself asking, “How could I nurture this person, who may ultimately belong to my sister (some other woman), so he is more open to life-giving intimate relationships?”


Though your sins be as scarlet they shall be white as snow.

While I have so far lived celibate all my life, and do not wish to use women as if they were not people deserving of respect and commision, and intend to wait until marriage, I am greatly troubled by obsessive covetousness. I prefer friendship, but even this is at times coloured by covetousness. At its most innocent it may be simply the desire to hold a woman in my arms, though even that can become quite oppressive as it is generally not appropriate at the time; when I am alone at night it often degenerates into the most vile and depraved fantasies, followed by guilt. I have something of a history of idolatrous infatuations; at least two were with very good women, much better than myself, while on one earlier occasion I ended up feeling, rightly or wrongly, quite manipulated.

The trouble with these infatuations is that while throughout part of one genuinely likes and respects them as friends, part of one views them as a goddess or saint and often a base part just views them as an object of desire; this is surely wrong, and condemned in many religious traditions including my own (Christianity).

Hi, Monachos

I think what you are describing is most likely more of a reflection on your level of loneliness than it is on your level of sinfulness. Wanting to hold someone is normal, natural, healthy and entirely beneficial, but when that kind of desire is persistently frustrated it seems to come out in other ways.

Anyway, the more you really get to know actual women, the less you will be able to put them on a pedestal [bigsmile]

I sometimes

find it helpful to remember that we're all sparks of the Divine...and all a bit muddy for the moment. Smile This means it's kind of a waste of time to try to find a perfect human to adore. Sure, some may be less muddy than others...but all that really matters (to our Creator, and therefore, to us) is the spark of the divine within...and that's the same in us all. Thin layer of mud, thick layer...not much difference.

For this reason, I decided to let myself be led to my mate. He was a surprise...and quite muddy, as it turned out Wink ... Whoever Is Up There was a lot wiser than I am, though. He has been the perfect mate for me on many, many levels, almost none of which I could foresee when we met. Had it been up to me, I would have chosen someone with less mud...who would probably have had a lot less to offer in terms of insight about the reward circuitry - because I had never even *heard* of the reward circuitry. Smile

Here's my two cents worth - which you should feel free to ignore or disagree with. The clearer our perception, the more we see others' divinity peeking through the mud. True, the mud can be pretty muddy sometimes. But it's just mud. And the sparks shine through all the time, if we're watching for them.

So my question would not be "how do you see women?" but "how do you see yourself?" The latter will have a huge bearing on the former. Recognize your own divinity *and* humanness (muddiness), and you will perceive others more clearly. At least that has been my experience.

Or to put it another way, have high aspirations for yourself (to clear off any mud), but recognize that ultimately, everyone else has a place on that lofty pedestal you're aiming for. If we're all one, it cannot be otherwise. Behind their disguises lies the very same spark of the divine that you are seeking to ignite in your own life.

Light yourself up not for yourself, but so that you may help others light up, too. Selfless bonding behaviors (including karezza) are a way to move in that direction. That's one reason I find them so appealing.

Sorry for the rant. Smile Hopefully others will chime in with their views, too.

On a more earthly level *giggle*, remember that you're a pair-bonding mammal. You're designed to feel a sense of well-being from affectionate contact with potential mates. Can you take a dance or massage class? I have a friend who says tango class is a great substitute when he is without a sweetheart. The touch, cooperation and eye contact are very soothing for his *very* masculine energy (he was once a US Marine).

Sometimes it helps to think of yourself as a wire that needs an energetic connection with another wire of the opposite pole to feel "right." Strictly speaking, it's not sex you need...but rather that complementary electricity. That's why dance class can ultimately be more satisfying than a do-it-yourself orgasm, even though the latter is far more intense.

This is a long way of saying that the unwelcome fantasies may just be your brain signaling you that you need to exchange this beneficial energy with a member of the opposite sex...even if it's just in a friendly setting. Don't wait for your ideal mate to begin nourishing yourself and those around you. There are plenty of people who would also benefit from a dance (or whatever equivalent you choose).

Just for fun, here's something that's not scientific at all...but fascinates me. Maybe you are starving yourself by trying to wait for the perfect woman.

That may be the most spiritual thing I've ever read

< I decided to let myself be led to my mate. He was a surprise...and quite muddy, as it turned out ... Whoever Is Up There was a lot wiser than I am, though. He has been the perfect mate for me on many, many levels, almost none of which I could foresee when we met. Had it been up to me, I would have chosen someone with less mud...who would probably have had a lot less to offer in terms of insight about the reward circuitry - because I had never even *heard* of the reward circuitry.>

That may be the most spiritual thing I've ever read.

I feel much the same way. When I decided that I wanted to find a mate I essentially did the same thing, and there she was standing in plain sight. There is some mud, legitimate problems that are taking time to address, but she is the perfect complement to my personality. Sometimes when we talk I feel like I am listening to the smartest person I've ever met. When I see her feeling joyful I experience happiness that goes beyond anything I've experienced in the past. She is learning to see past my faults as well. The last time that we were able to spend time together I sensed that she was happy to the very core. Her countenance lit up and her smile was radiant and genuine. I felt appreciated and, to some extent, needed, At that moment the last of my emotional barriers shattered.

So I continue to look for that spark of the Divine in her and not allow the "mud" to obscure the fact that she is a wonderful person at the very core. Likewise, she is coming more to grips with the fact that I'm a pretty good guy, warts and all and that my love for her is pure and real.

Back to your situation; just think of the incredible difference you've been able to make in the lives of others. has changed lives. YBOP has changed lives. The information here is more valuable than any dollar amount can represent. So your union has been beneficial to any number of people and, undoubtedly, there will be children born into loving, stable homes as a direct result of this information being made available. Now that is something to think about.