This is my first post. Anywhere. It is frightening to publicly state, for the first time (albeit somewhat anonymously) that I am addicted to pornography and masturbation.
There. I said it. Wow.
Something that has long disappointed me in myself is that I have successfully dealt with a couple of other addictions. I gave up drinking over 20 years ago, and have been a faithful member of A.A., attending at least one meeting a week. I worked the 12-steps with a sponsor. I'm active in A.A. service work. I'm really an "acomplished recovered alcoholic." And yet ... I still have a secret addiction. I feel like such a hypocrite.
I also quit smoking over a decade ago (which, for me, was much harder that quitting drinking). So I like to think of myself as practically an expert on the whole subject of addiction, withdrawal, relapse (it took me a hundred attempts to quit smoking). And yet ... I have never even admitted to myself how much my secret addiction has been ruling my life.
I didn't even think of it as an addiction. Which is funny, really, because I know that is true of any addict. "I can quit any time I want to - I just don't want to," we all say. But I wanted to quit pornography. I tried. I swore off, with and without solumn oaths. I have failed over and over. This has been going on for years. I do know enough to recognize that as a sure sign of addiction.
With all my vast knowledge and expertise, I have managed to accumulate: (drum roll, please): 3 days. It has been three days since I masturbated or looked at porn.
The fact is, I cannot make it without help.
I've been reading this site for at least four months.
The last time I swore off, I considered posting on this site, but I told myself, "I don't really need to do that. I can do this on my own." Actually, I think I've made and broken that exact promise to myself at least three times now ... another sure sign of addiction.
I may still click Cancel. I haven't actually posted anything yet. But if anyone is reading this, please know that having made this public admission about my pornography addiction is a huge, frightening step for me. And an admission that I need the support of a community of people who understand.
I don't really have much interesting to say ... but the mere fact of saying anything is a step I have been studiously avoiding for years.