Note to porn visitors about this site

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Submitted by Marnia on
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Just to clarify, this site is not about repressing sexuality (that is, trying to avoid orgasm out of fear, because it's "sinful" or dangerous). Nor is it about swearing off masturbation forever. Men who choose to overcome porn addiction have taught *us* that stopping *both* masturbation and orgasm for an extended period makes it easier to quit. This makes sense because anything your brain associates with its addictive, super-stimulating "reward" (porn/masturbation) can trigger intense frustration. Therefore masturbating-without-porn and porn-without-orgasm can throw you back into a compulsive cycle.

Strangely, gentle masturbation *not* to orgasm (and with your attention where you want it, rather than on porn flashbacks) doesn't always cause one to fall back into compulsion. (If it does, the following practice is not recommended.) Sages in the East have recommended exercises based on self-stimulation, combined with drawing your sexual energy up through your body, for many centuries. Here's a sample recipe:

The “own-body yogic sexual practice” calls for the student to self-stimulate the genitals as a conscious exercise or devotional exercise. Orgasm is generally avoided [especially if you are recovering from sex addiction], and the aroused sexual energy breathed down the front of the body and exhaled up the spine in a relaxed manner. The celibate practitioner should engage in this exercise both as a training for sex with a partner, and whenever there is a feeling of concentrated or suppressed sexual energy in the sexual organs, head or heart.

Other such exercises can be found here:

Falling back into the addiction cycle after orgasm is *less* of a risk once you've recovered your equilibrium (which can take about six weeks). A sweetheart's presence makes this process easier, but slipping into some kind of addictive sexual loop with her is not going to be that big an improvement over porn/masturbation addiction. It tends to cause intense mood swings in both partners...and that tends to making the relationship very co-dependent and then very rocky...and often depressingly short. That would be a huge loss to you both.

So the real goal is returning to balance - whatever that means for you. You want to regain your free will, your sense of well-being, your confidence, your natural sexiness, and that male magnetism that brightens goddesses' days. Friendly contact with others is one of the very best medicines for easing withdrawal symptoms. Even if you don't feel like it, find a way to connect: smiles, eye contact, selfless service, and laughing with friends, colleagues, classmates, and potential sweethearts.

This website began because of the benefits people have noticed for thousands of years when they make love without orgasm. But even that practice is not about "sexual repression." You don't fight yourself. You move very slowly when making love, and you relax into stillness a lot. There is no struggle involved. (And, orgasm occurs from time to time just don't try for it.) For more, see:

"The Lazy Way to Stay in Love"

J. William Lloyd's "The Karezza Method"

I guess I was a bit surprised,

when I joined last week, after reading over many of the articles to find that many of the blogs and topics were from men who were wrestling with pornography addiction.

I was surprised, but that is not to say disappointed. I am glad there is a safe place for people to cope, and find accountability, and grace through others like this. although, It does seem like there are a lot more male members who are using this site, and i wonder if more women would be posting if there was less emphasis on porn recovery.

The focus of the site is on sexual healing, so i guess it makes sense. It is a tremendous struggle for so many people. I would just like to see more people whole.

Thanks, marnia.

the true light of my eyes is a pearl,
equally emptied to equally shine;
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple, and endlessly mine.

I think it has been

a surprise for *everyone,* for the men as much as for me. Wink

But I'm happy for this to be a safe haven for everyone. All of us have important pieces of the puzzle.

I learned a lot from the chaos in my own love life. That enabled me to help my addict husband recover (using karezza - although we didn't think of it by that name). He, in turn, dug up the information that is now helping porn addicts. And the porn addicts are helping various women see men with more compassion...and so it goes.

I posted these thoughts elsewhere, but I'll copy them here, too

[Response to blogger about using sexual fantasy to masturbate, but not to orgasm]

I will just say that from what we have learned, continued masturbation with sexual fantasy is not helpful in laying down *new* pathways in the brain. The real challenge for the recovering addict is to reroute his brain so that other, more promising activities trigger his pleasure pathways. This allows him to find pleasure (and adequate dopamine) elsewhere in life. The most obvious candidate for "new pleasure" is the pleasure of connection with others, as that is the "other" big source of pleasure for which our sexy/pair-bonding mammalian brains are designed.

The solo practices shared here call for arousing oneself manually with one's attention on raising the energy up for a higher purpose. See:

Also, what Barry Long says is aligned with what we've been learning about the effects of stimulating fantasy on the brain. His message is that fantasy is *always* a problem. He suggests that even masturbation to orgasm should not involve fantasy.

I know this seems like a waste of some great stored fantasies. Wink And I know that fantasy itself makes people feel better instantly. But that's because of the rise in dopamine...which, as you point out, has the mission of pushing you toward greater restlessness, anxiety and frustration...and eventually, orgasm. Restless dissatisfaction, and a low dopamine hangover mean a net *loss* in overall good feelings...despite the short term pleasure with each fantasy.

People often assume that porn is a problem because of its raunchy content and exploitation of women. But even if female robots were used, porn would still be a problem.

Yes, some of extreme porn visuals are violence, domination, shocking, risky behavior etc. But their chief problem in my view is their ability to powerfully reinforce "learning" and set up compelling brain pathways and susceptibility to related cues...all of which ultimately curtail the user's freedom by focusing his attention in ways that are not in his best interest over the long haul. (And which tend to lead to unhealthy isolation or risky behavior.) Our brains are plastic, and our reward circuitry drives our will quite easily when it comes to sexual arousal, sweets, and various other activities closely related to "survival" in our evolutionary design. This is what we haven't realized about porn.

The problem with porn is overstimulation of pathways in the brain with extreme (and usually increasingly extreme) visuals based on things that get the primitive brain hooked - causing it to use orgasm like a drug. Addicts don't make good leaders in the long run, even if they're brilliant. (Think Clinton.) Their judgment is impaired. They can't reliably make sound decisions for themselves or others. So porn is not *ever* helping men to find their strong, wise masculine selves...even though it *seems* like a really macho, educational Wink thing to do.

The upshot is that the fantasies may be the biggest contributor to the risks inherent in porn. Every time you get aroused to one, you strengthen the pathway in your brain that tells you to find pleasure with porn, rather than other activities in life. *sigh*

I think it's important not

I think it's important not to generalize that all porn addicts are men. While males are more likely to be porn addicts, I'm a female who has suffered from it and I know other females who have as well. The causes may be different generally speaking but I can relate to a lot of what I've read males writing about on sites like these and I am definitely not male. It's not purely a heterosexual male problem. People of any gender or sexual orientation can experience this as well.

You're right

Thanks for the reminder. There are a couple of other women here who have reported troubles with porn.

Keep in mind that this site was not originally about porn recovery. It drifted in that direction when visitors (all male at first) showed up, so it's a bit messy as far as organization goes. Feel free to make revisions to the Wiki articles, if you see changes needed.

its about bonding

The more I read this site the more it becomes about nurturing and bonding. I think that the often abusive / orgasmic way we are persuaded to have sex by the media is what we are expected to do ... its not that there's anything wrong in orgasmic sex, its just that if you put the main emphasis on it you end up tiring youself out emotionally and physically and you build a dependency that effectively drives sex partners apart from each other. It makes you go and seek new thrills elsewhere.

I think the reason that the site is called Reuniting, healing through sexual relationships is that it emphasises the importance of the vital bonding behaviours that do so much to engender love as the most important part of sex. Men need to feel that the woman they are with is bonded with them if they are to have any form of security emotionally in their lives (at least that's the case for me). You never get a relationship with a person, a sense of bonding if you aren't prepared to put in the effort. Its like natures own contraception. You have sexual intercourse to bond, but when you want to have children together you have orgasm. I hope that's not an overly simplistic viewpoint, but that's how I see it.

thanks for reading,


Beautifully put!

There is a basic soundness to your comments Brenmal. Intercourse that culminates in orgasm seems best suited for procreation. I can't say why, but that just seems right.

I completely agree with

I completely agree with that. One thing that makes sex terrifying for me (among other things) is the expectation involved. You "owe" a partner sex, you are responsible for that partner's orgasm and if what helps them to get off is physically painful or even humiliating for you then there's just kind of a "so be it" attitude. Partners are encouraged to leave you cold if you can't fulfill every sexual fantasy they have or if you can't engage in certain fetishes. Sex-positivity does a good thing by saying sex isn't REQUIRED of all living beings but it does encourage people to sort of "find someone who will" if their partner won't (at least many breeds of it encourage that). It's frustrating when I have sexual trauma from adolescence and I have gone through so much physical pain from it as well as emotional for people to say that a.) sex (their definition of which often involves acts that cause me physical pain) is mandatory AND b.) sex is love. Which tells me love (and my worth in love) is my masochistic submission. That's pretty damaging to my self-worth which is part of why karezza appeals to me.


Of course sex is about bonding. It is amazing to me that it has been denigrated to something less than that.

It is horrible to see how some people see sex as a means for physical-emotional needs fulfillment rather than as a way to give out of love to each other. And if your focus is on the other, you're not going to want to cause them pain. If my wife isn't enjoying it, I'm not either. The whole point is for the "two to become one" and if that ain't happening, then nothing is. Then it is only selfish. And that's when one can become abusive to the other to satisfy their need.

I never could stand porn where the woman was getting hurt. I like oral sex, but the oral sex porn I didn't like was when it seemed the man was shoving it down her throat, causing her to gag. Big turn off to me. It is only enjoyable to me if it appears both are enjoying it.

But of course, that's porn and as pointed out already, there's more going on behind the scenes than what we see on camera. But, that said, the point is to love one another, which means each other will be sensitive to each other's needs, desire to make them feel good, not cause them pain. You're not responsible for your partner's orgasm, you're only responsible to love them. The orgasm, if it happens, takes care of itself. If it doesn't happen, then you've still spent some quality time bonding and loving each other. What's so bad about that?

When you live without porn for a while...

you allow yourself to become more attuned to how things really are in nature. The trouble with porn is that it over-stimulates us sexually and this can lead to genuine sex with a loving partner becoming somehow not enough to turn us on. It's egocentric, immature and ultimately shallow and unsatisfying.

Also, sex with porn is normally about achieving orgasm. You may spend time looking at porn without masturbating to it, however spending hours looking at pornographic images until you find one that makes you want to cum highlights a lot that's negative about porn. Some things that stand out for me are: you gradually need a stronger fix to get you to where you want to go; it's isolating and unhealthy because it causes the temporary death of the rational brain, something that is hardly engaged at all during this pursuit.

I'd often thought to myself about how long it took me to find an image that turned me on enough to satisfy me as bizarre - after the fact - but while you're looking at them it's so exciting for the limbic brain that your rational side is somewhat overwhelmed. Since I don't look at porn anymore I have much more time for contemplating and doing the many other things I love and focusing on understanding my psychology and what makes me (and others) tick is much more wholesome and rewarding than focusing on the genitalia of the masses.

thanks for reading,


Another Great Quote!!!!

[quote]... and focusing on understanding my psychology and what makes me (and others) tick is much more wholesome and rewarding than focusing on the genitalia of the masses.[/quote]

I love this site! I post little, but read and learn so much! Smile

I use to be the exact same

I use to be the exact same way. So much so it was a major piece of my identity, how offended I was by so many other males around me. Its interesting on the other side of the glass. Its horrible, and in my mind its another thing that devalues every selfless thing I've ever done, and any sense of meaning my former self held onto

I wish

you'd explain this a bit more. What caused you to devalue your selfless actions? And what did you mean by "so many other males around me?" I'm a bit lost. Smile

Solo Cultivation, Fantasy, etc.

I for one enjoy solo cultivation of sexual energy both with the use of direct stimulation and the use of the mind and breath to ignite energy into the different areas of the body. I find the practice helpful when abstaining from orgasm. And, while a solo cultivation may difficult at first, it become much easy as the weeks progress.

Also, I understand the comments regarding fantasy and their impact on the circuitry of the brain. However, I think one may distinguish between those fantasies that are rather porn-based, and those fantasies that naturally arise in a person. Fantasy belongs in the imagination. And, the imagination is essentially a part of the soul. Life without fantasy seems unnatural because fantasy reflects a person's desires, his emotions, his soul-life, the deeper recesses of himself. Also, fantasy may be a helpful way to sublimate those energies that may not be able to be expressed in a more literal way.

It is important for me to live a deeply erotic life. I almost think it is easier to live that erotic life where there are less peak experiences of orgasm, and, instead, there is that consistent humming and feeling of energy throughout one's life on most days.


“Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong.”

Terry Pratchett

thanks for reading,


So Marnia,

So Marnia,
you say gentle mtb is ok, but not focusing on porn or sexual fantasies. So what should we be thinking or imagining?

Is it ok to think about my potential gf?