Single, yet still wanting out of destructive orgasm cycles

Submitted by hayduke on
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Hello. I am a new member, so I would like to just introduce myself. call me hayduke.

I have been reading a lot of materials on this site, as I feel as though I am ready for something deeper and more mature than the sexuality I've known.

The "Exchanges" sounds great, and I look forward to trying them with someone someday, but currently I dont have a partner.

In the past I have used porn heavily, and I've been masturbating daily since I was 12. I want to kick both these habits.
I want to be more balanced and healthy. I like what I am reading about on this site as far as "sacred sexuality" goes.

are there resources for single people? This site has already helped me immensely in realizing why I consume so much porn, and why I compulsively masturbate, and how those activities are damaging. for almost two weeks i've been abstaining now, and I have noticed a general increase in my day-to-day, just in being less moody, and less stressed.

basically, my main question is this: What can I do as a single man to reduce sexual cravings, and possibly "train" myself for future practice of Karezza?


Actually, "single" time can be very helpful, because you can observe your reaction to orgasm, withdrawal, and no-orgasm without a partner to blame. Smile

In the book I'm writing, I suggest people try going without orgasm for about three weeks, just to see how it goes and what they feel...and then have an orgasm, and watch what's happening for the next two weeks. Several of these back-and-forth experiments can be very informative. But you have to make them each several weeks long, so you leave time for the complete passion cycle to run.

Self-observation is only one part of the story, though, because the real insight is the power of those simple bonding behaviors to increase harmony between partners.

The good news is that more than one man has told me that as he has cut back on masturbation, women have been more attracted to him. Smile

If you are recovering from a porn addiction, you may need more time to regain your equilibrium. You'll learn as you go.

Anyhow, here's an excerpt from the book, taken from posts at this forum! It'll give you a taste of what some people have learned from making the experiments recommended above:

Know Thyself While Free of the Passion Cycle

If you don’t have a partner, or your partner is not enthusiastic about the ideas yet, you can still use your time to deepen your understanding. That way, if the subject of avoiding orgasm comes up for discussion, you will be able to recount your own experience.

Obviously, you cannot experience karezza without the participation of a partner. After all, karezza is not just about avoiding orgasm. It’s also about the nurturing exchange of bonding behaviors. We’ve also found that either partner’s orgasm affects both partners to some degree through some unfathomable process. Even so, there is much you can learn by making a solo experiment. (This assumes orgasm has been part of your life. If it hasn’t, you’re probably ahead of the rest of us. Your brain is free of a deeply-grooved “orgasm pathway.” Read these sections anyway. They may help to reassure you that orgasm is not essential for your happiness.)

Go without orgasm for at least three weeks, and see what you observe. If you have a partner, be sure to tell your mate about your proposed investigation. Explain that you are making the experiment in order to find out if your mammalian mating program is affecting your mood for the worse. During this time, use the bonding behaviors in Chapter 7 to nurture you both. Let your partner carry on as usual, without reproach.

Record your experience in a journal, even if you keep it simple. Remember that your greatest discomfort may arise in week two. Here’s what one woman learned:

As of tomorrow, it will have been a full month since my last orgasm. I suppose this is long enough to call my experiment finished, although I find little desire to resume my former habits at this point.

I think the results of this type of experiment could largely depend on how one approaches it. I have tried to view it as an opportunity to explore the whole idea of channeling sexual energy, and as such it has been rather interesting. I noticed very little difficulty after the second week. In fact, my level of sexual frustration now seems a bit below average for me, if anything.

I think I could have run into trouble if I had just attempted to “put a cap on” my sexuality. Instead I allowed myself to experience pleasure and arousal without trying to go anywhere with it. I did a good deal of dancing, singing, laughing, jogging, etc., and I think these all helped. The only thing I tried very hard to avoid is any state of mind that felt like it came from craving-mode. I did engage in a little self-pleasuring, which, it turned out, was as satisfying as trying to get myself off.

I think that the main thing I learned from this experiment is about “energy” in general. We think of having energy as a good thing, but on closer observation, our first reaction to having a lot of concentrated energy (sexually, physically, emotionally, etc.) is often to try to get rid of it as quickly as possible (“catharsis”). This is similar to a principle of physics, actually. High potential energy states are considered “unstable” because there is a tendency to return very suddenly to a low-energy state, resulting in a large release of heat. The energy is more useful if it can be converted in a more controlled manner.

I think that if I want to use my energy to best effect, it entails learning to flow with high-energy states instead of trying to escape them. I can learn to walk the tightrope, or I can keep falling off.

Here’s the experience of a man who made a similar experiment:

Here's how I approached my own experiments with abstinence and avoided feelings of guilt or failure. (I think the preaching of religious leaders who exhort their followers to not masturbate, and pile a big guilt trip on them if they do, is cruel, outrageous and unconscionable.)

Very important: my goal, or reason for trying it was simply to find
out what an extended period of abstinence would be like—how would I feel, physically, mood-wise, etc.? Would I have trouble sleeping? Would I become overwhelmed by horniness and cravings for an orgasm? A more specific goal was to get an idea of what it might be like to practice karezza for an extended period.

I didn't set a definite duration for the experiment. Rather, I just planned to continue as long as I felt like it—as long as it was "interesting."

When I "slipped," I did so rather deliberately. In a way, I took the experiment into other phases, for example, masturbating without orgasm (sometimes for several weeks at a time), or masturbating with lots of mini-orgasms (gee, I'm multi-orgasmic—like about 30 times in one day! But, that tends to become rather compulsive behavior). Those were opportunities to see how I felt, compare it to how I felt when being totally abstinent, and observe how hard or easy it was to get back on the abstinence wagon.

Abstinence is still "interesting." There have been several times when I was tempted to get off the wagon, and some of those times I've chosen to stay on the wagon. My reason is that I like being in control—I don't want my primitive brain steering me in ways I don't want to go, and basically wasting my time!


Thank you, Marnia. I did find that to be particularly useful;
I especially liked the latter fellow's experience... it seems to be kind of what i have been thinking about, too.




hey, thanks marnia. a few years back i put together a little 'zine' on pacifism, and one of the images I used was that one...
it comes from the verse in the book of Isaiah, "nation will not life sword against nation, we'll beat our pruning hooks into plowshares, and neither shall we learn war anymore."
so its a simple depiction of turning sword into shovel.

the true light of my eyes is a pearl,
equally emptied to equally shine;
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple, and endlessly mine.