This is my story thus far in case it's of interest to anyone.
I'm not exactly sure what to say my background is so here's some things that come to mind: I've interests in the 4th Way (a la Gurdjieff), writings of Mouravieff, Castaneda, Knight-Jadczyk, the Ra material, Taoism, the Christian gnostic tradition, etc. As far as my sexual background, I was pretty oblivious to most things until somewhat late- I didn't have a clue what masturbation was until my early 20's (when a teacher of mine talked about sexual topics, often in a perverse way, ALL the time, ugh). I thought I wanted to be a nun when I was little, throughout high school I gradually came to think that organized religion, and basically religion in general is bunk at best and a means of control at worst. (not spirituality, although I think a spiritual life must be complimented by a scientific and objective view of the world). As Marx said, "Religion is the opium of the people"....anyway, the point is not to be bashing religions, I think that most religions have some core kernels of knowledge, but they've been corrupted and co-opted over the ages. I would say I'm a reasonably attractive and fit woman (the person people say I look most like is Angelina Jolie, she's apparently pretty desirable, though I suppose it's the whole package of her personality/career), I'm reasonably intelligent, have a fantastic sense of humor (if you love terrible and inappropriate puns), and now have what I believe to be an interesting career as a musician and sometime astrologer and reiki practitioner (formerly an environmental scientist). I have not, however, ever had any sort of relationship, at 27 years. I'm a virgin. In fact, I've only kissed/made out with three guys ever, on three solitary occasions. On all three of these instances, the guys were lonely, and thought I wouldn't say no to them- which I did when they tried to get into my pants. I seem to attract very few men, and the ones I do want to sleep with me right away, and have absolutely no interest in pursuing any sort of relationship. I'm not making this up, some of these guys have blatantly told me so! The lack of a romantic, and now romantic/sexual, relationship has been a constant source of frustration throughout my life.
I did not start masturbating until I was around 22 or 23 years old. I was studying with said teacher from above, and noticed that on occasion I would have these dream orgasms (I never had these before. I actually had to do some research to figure out what was going on, that's how oblivious I was). Gradually I began to masturbate on purpose- first as a curiosity, and then more as a "need". Almost from the start, I would feel super tired after these sessions.
I first came upon this site quite some time ago- perhaps a little under two years ago? At the time I was doing a search about orgasms/loss of energy/sacred sexuality. I was feeling the urge to masturbate quite frequently, I'd say at least one time per week? What really began to worry me was when I'd totally space out when I reached climax and started having these dreams or visions, or what have you, of being a sort of call girl around the turn of the century in what I think was San Fransisco. These were quite vivid. I'm not really sure what that was about, ever since I was a little kid, I would have all these connections to and this bizarre obsession, for a 7 or 8 year old, of all things relating to the Victorian era and San Fransisco/CA. I can't say that I really am decided one way or the other about reincarnation; I'm open to the idea, but I'm pretty skeptical about it in practice. Anyway, these orgasm-fantasy-whatever things were frightening, and I would feel really REALLY tired after these, often having to take a nap for an hour or more immediately after. I didn't want to have these, but then I would continually feel compelled to masturbate time and time again. I saw the site, noted that it seemed interesting, and bookmarked it. A couple of months later, I finally got around to checking the site out in earnest, and many things clicked. I ordered the book, and was fascinated.
Since March of last year I've been keeping a log of when I feel very turned on, or tired, and when I orgasm. I also keep track of my menstrual cycle on this chart. I notice that the flare-ups are in keeping with the theory proposed- I most often feel turned on/end up having orgasm around midcycle and within a day on either side of the start of menstruation (I guess all that stuff is swelled up around then). The longest I've been able to go was almost three months right at the beginning but since then it's been really hard to control. During those couple of months I slowly started to have more energy and was able to concentrate on things more. The weird visions have not occurred since I've been keeping track of all this. I can't say that I noticed a huge difference in people being attracted to me, but two of these hook-up things I've mentioned WERE in the last couple of months, and were during stretches of at least a month or more of not having orgasm (I did not have orgasm as a result of being with these dudes). It still is pretty hard, though, to keep off this cycle of what seems to be an addiction. I know when two weeks comes, that all of this is going to flare up. I try to make an extra effort to do nice things for people, to get some extra exercise, to dance (I do this pretty frequently anyway as a result of certain gigs I have), to cuddle with my kitty. I still end up succumbing to masturbation, and it's really really frustrating to me. I'm mad because I still have this compulsion, and I'm mad because I am so tired and cranky and distracted as a result of this. But, I think the ideas are really great, and I'm hoping one day not only to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, but is also interested in giving these ideas a try. So I'm going to keep trying to avoid masturbation and especially orgasm (for me, it's hard to have one without the other).
Thanks for reading.