a new member-- day 22

Submitted by anon911 on
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I am glad I found this site. It has been my source of strength the last 22 days as I have fought this battle. Reading this site and realizing there will be an end to the depression/withdrawal has been the only thing that has kept me from the short-term relief of giving in. I have been experiencing extreme depression lately during my withdrawal. It has been frustrating, because I thought these symptoms would be lessening after about two weeks or so.

I am wondering if anyone knows how much longer this withdrawal could possibly last? I am going crazy "waiting" to feel better. I have been exercising and eating better to try and help, but it just isn't making up for the severe lack of dopamine in my brain right now. I don't know what else to say right now. I appreciate any feedback. Good luck to all others who are struggling with this tragic addiction or withdrawal from it.

I'm sorry you're suffering

You didn't give us your history, but if you're also shedding a porn/masturbation addiction, you may need a month or two to feel "right" again. This is due to a protein that hangs around in the reward circuitry of addicts, and dickers with neurochemical responses.

Are you noticing *any* periods of clarity or well-being? Are you spending time with others? Most of us want to feel better *before* connecting with others, and yet *others* may turn out to be the medicine that actually makes us feel better.

Let us know how you're doing. Blog if you wish.

Thanks for the response.

Thanks for the response. There have been a few periods of well-being, but so far they have been few and far between. In fact, I felt so great a few mornings ago I was convinced it was all over!! I had beaten it!! And then just as quickly, within minutes or maybe half an hour I was on the opposite spectrum. I have never experienced mood swings like this in my life! And I know for sure they are because of the porn withdrawal-- there are no other factors.

I have been forcing myself to spend time with others, despite the way I feel. Things just haven't been the same though, and my relationships have been shallower lately. Thanks again for the response.''

Honestly,

it sounds like you're doing all the right things, and that things will level out. You might also want the support of a 12-step group though. That would give you others to laugh (and cry) with. You recovering guys have made it really clear that this can be a *beastly* thing to go through alone, and really there's no reason to.

I'm glad you had a taste of feeling good. That's the reality! The crazy depression is the passing cloud. I know it certainly doesn't seem that way when all is black. Are you journaling those mood swings? It can help to be able to look back and see how different you felt at some other point. Even though you're aware that you're "swinging," the journaling seems to help you not buy into the depression as much, because you have "proof" that it passes. Blogging here is one way to journal, too...if you want "company." Wink

Like Che, I wish I could give you a hug. Don't underestimate what you're doing. It's huge. Thanks for your efforts.

Hi there

From my own experience i know that as long as i am waiting for something i am still not sober. The addict is still alive in the brain. Finally after some time i can let go and not seek the thrill. Feel content with life as it is, without the sex, porn or whatever. That is such a relief but it takes time. How long it is for you, i do not know, but for me it started to fade away after 40 days or something. Then i had a wet dream and i was all shaken up for days (still is actually) but i did not fall to the same level as before the 40 days anyway. Some days are just beautiful and some are not as life is i guess. For me the porn/masturbation was a escape from this normal life of ups and downs (constant dopamine rush ?) . Now i am living it just as anyone else, and i am grateful.

Marnia is right about the importance of support from others, without my community (SLAA, SAA) i would not stand a chance. Find support wherever you can. Here for example Smile

/ Soulsearching

You are more

advanced than me in recovery but I've been thinking a lot about your post. Are you sure there's nothing else in your life which is keeping you unstable and depressed? I, personally, am not anticipating the euphoria which some have achieved after giving up masturbation. I'll be happy to stay as calm and concentrated as I have experienced recently, the rest will come when I adjust my life situation and it'll take good old-fashioned time. If you have other problems besides p&m (porn & masturbation) withdrawal, this could be why you are in the doldrums. Study your life carefully and see if there is anything in your life which could be contributing to your moodiness. Congratulation of 22/23 days, that really is a fantastic achievement. [ying]
jerry

update--day 30

Had a wet dream a few nights ago, but I'm not going to let it throw me off-track. Definitely feel like I still have a long ways to go on the road to recovery, but I'm making good progress. My mood swings have been less dramatic, and I'm gradually becoming less depressed. i do not know the policy on linking here, but I have a good resource for anyone interested in monitoring their moods/levels of depression
while withdrawing. I find this very helpful to see that yes, in fact, I am getting a little better even if it doesn't feel like it at times. Here is a link to the test I use http://www.suicideforum.com/bdc/index.html
I recommend taking it about once per week during recovery, and tracking your score on a graph of sorts.

I also recommend anyone with these issues to come off of caffeine. Caffeine can have a dramatic effect on dopamine, and during my addiction phase I actually found that on more than one occasion it was a pre-cursor to a porn session. If you do choose to quit caffeine as well I recommend tapering off slowly, as the withdrawals from caffeine can be quite painful as well.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Great!

I'm glad to hear your mood is stablizing. Depression is a funny thing. While in it, you think it's you. Then you come out of it and go, "Holy cow, that was not me at all." Also, while in it, it feels like it will go on forever. Then it doesn't. When I go through mood swings, each time it helps me to learn more and more who I really am, and it's NOT the mood, as much as it may feel like it.

Keep up the good fight and make sure to dump a lot of oxytocin on your brain through the day!

Thanks for the update, Anon

Great to hear of your progress. Perfect timing on the link. We're thinking about coming up with a questionnaire people here can take to help separate "hangover blues" from "the real you." We'll put your contribution to good use. Thanks!

We here know what a tough slog you've had. Thanks for continuing on up the mountain.

*hugs*

i appreciate everyone's

i appreciate everyone's encouraging comments. I only have a very elementary understanding of the whole oxytocin thing. (I have heard it referred to in a few posts) How do I increase my levels? I am lucky enough to have a wife who has been very patient and supportive of me throughout this whole process. Right now we work opposite schedules so it hard to find much quality time to spend. I want to learn everything I can about this oxytocin and how to increase my levels! I appreciate any information or references about this.

Thanks again

Caffeine

is one of the things i now avoid because i know it "starts me up" in a way that is not good for my sobriety. I now use green tea instead, which has much lower caffeine amounts and many other healthy benefits. Thanks for sharing and remember to ask your wife for a hug when you feel "shaky", that can be the oxytocin boost you need to stay on track Wink

/ Soulsearching