My girlfriend is not fully satisfied with non-orgasmic sex

Submitted by Woof on
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Hi there. Me and my girlfriend have been trying non-orgasmic sex for a while now, and although I will detail more of our experiences in another post, I have a few questions.

In terms of satisfaction with non-orgasmic intercourse, I am completely happy. I feel nourished, and I feel like my sexual energy has been transferred/transformed in a very fulfilling way. The story with my girlfriend is different however.

I have a great quote that she said after today's love-making: "My vagina is no longer hungry, but my clitoris is". During intercourse she didn't feel comfortable because she felt her clitoris needed stimulation. And on many occasions she just doesn't feel like anything is happening in terms of her sexual energy. This leaves her frustrated.

Does anybody have experience with this kind of problem, and know any ideas to help?

Also, what is allowed during foreplay? I thought I might be arousing her too much... is kissing/licking the breasts allowed?

Thanks in advance...

Hey Woof - it would be great

Hey Woof - it would be great if you could find a really good anatomical depiction of the clitoris. It's much larger than it appears from the outside - it has two long branches that go back running all along the topside of the vagina. It is my experience and opinion that people who distinguish between clitoral and vaginal stimulation or orgasm are misunderstanding that much of the feelings of vaginal orgasmic response are actually feelings of clitoral stimulation, tho on another part of the clitoris. The tip of the clitoris is very sensitive and many women have habituated to a need for this, but that can change through proper stimulation of certain spots in the vagina. There ARE also other spots in there that are not clitoral that are very pleasurable (for some women) as well, such as the tip of the cervix and the lower hammock-like muscles. But here and everywhere, you could be touching those spots but not touching them in the right way. If the muscle tissue has been approached in an improper way for years or has any trauma, that muscle tissue may initially respond to touch as a threat rather than a souce of pleasure (and will therefore shut down). Retraining associations in muscle tissue can be a hard task (I reckon with it every day as a massage therapist), but it is worthwhile and it is possible. Actually, there is even a form of triggerpiont therapy designed to release tensions in vaginal muscles, unfortunately it slips my mind who developed this; its probably not a very easy modality to find. In fact in most states it would probably be illegal for a massage therapist to perform (genital touching being "out of scope of practice"), you'd have to find a physician who was trained int his.

All women are different so what I'm bringing to this discussion may or may not be relevant for your girlfriend, but my sense is that in general most women will respond to very slow, very tender, very gentle, yet firm and consistent lovemaking. Angle, intent, and pacing are all. And there's only so much you can do. If you approach her in the right way, at a certain point she will be given the opportunity to identify with herself in a new way by being open to a new pattern of experience.

Another approach would be to forego all the previous suggestions and convince her to try nonorgasmic lovemaking. Once she lets go of this goal and attachment, she may find herself very sensitive indeed.


I think your instincts are good. Usually, if there's plenty of cuddling and regular intercourse...and someone is still "hungry," it's because that person is going too close to the "edge" of orgasm. She may be doing this herself, or you may be doing it. (It's hard for all of us to break those "good lover" habits.;-) )

You may want to back up and do some really gentle bonding behaviors for a few nights just to see if she feels less hungry. Or, you may want to give her just what she wants (those cravings can be *really* convincing about where happiness lies), and let her experience the full cycle. Both are useful ways to learn.

You're all set to blog, in case you'd like to. Welcome!