hey everybody, nice to see there is a forum for someone like me.
well, i am a lust junkie where a masturbation+porn habit finally became a 24hour job - it was food. i would say porn is definitely not good for my mental health and physical health as well especially if i've been jerking it since I was 6. 4 years ago i realized the whole thing has taken over my life. it is a ruthless obsession that is out to kill me. have been going to various 12step programs while experimenting with half measures; you know, no porn, but masturbate. masturbate, but don't climax. porn but don't masturbate. magazines but no videos. gawk at every beautiful girl that passed by but no porn. well, i end up just binging on porn+masturbation, while lately thinking about hey why not prostitutes and escorts, i deserve it. i think i really misinterpreted the whole powerless over lust, since i always thought hey i am powerless, i am not responsible for this, my life really sucked, i did this to cover up whatever feelings i had growing up, and 'god' should fix this for me asap.
i think i have to come to terms with the fact that, sorry if I want to move forward I have to embrace the withdrawals even if I feel like I want to jump off a bridge or punch through some walls. because the routine of being 14days clean and act out for a week over and over and over again is not fun. i feel like i am stuck, well i am or was or whatever. of course it is easy to have such resolve about embracing withdrawals like a champ, but when it happens, shit, the last thing i am thinking about is prayer, meditation, or whatever healthy substitution activity that i am suppose to do. i am just gonna spit my shit here on a daily basis, so pardon me. mean while I am hoping to get my 4th step done.
if i could only will.i.am