Old to the game and 1 day back

Submitted by will.i.am on
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hey everybody, nice to see there is a forum for someone like me.

well, i am a lust junkie where a masturbation+porn habit finally became a 24hour job - it was food. i would say porn is definitely not good for my mental health and physical health as well especially if i've been jerking it since I was 6. 4 years ago i realized the whole thing has taken over my life. it is a ruthless obsession that is out to kill me. have been going to various 12step programs while experimenting with half measures; you know, no porn, but masturbate. masturbate, but don't climax. porn but don't masturbate. magazines but no videos. gawk at every beautiful girl that passed by but no porn. well, i end up just binging on porn+masturbation, while lately thinking about hey why not prostitutes and escorts, i deserve it. i think i really misinterpreted the whole powerless over lust, since i always thought hey i am powerless, i am not responsible for this, my life really sucked, i did this to cover up whatever feelings i had growing up, and 'god' should fix this for me asap.

i think i have to come to terms with the fact that, sorry if I want to move forward I have to embrace the withdrawals even if I feel like I want to jump off a bridge or punch through some walls. because the routine of being 14days clean and act out for a week over and over and over again is not fun. i feel like i am stuck, well i am or was or whatever. of course it is easy to have such resolve about embracing withdrawals like a champ, but when it happens, shit, the last thing i am thinking about is prayer, meditation, or whatever healthy substitution activity that i am suppose to do. i am just gonna spit my shit here on a daily basis, so pardon me. mean while I am hoping to get my 4th step done.

if i could only will.i.am

Thanks

for sharing. We are many in the boat, we can keep it floating together. Keep on working. 4th step is hard. I keep coming back and revisit it as well.

Willingness is the key and also to remember what will happen if we act out.

The higher power can do for me what i can not. I am powerless.

/ Soulsearching

2nd day, morning wood.

2nd day is always funny this way. You wake up earlier than you thought and the body is screaming at you. "Why aren't you jerking off, you've been doing this for 23 years for god sakes!?." You know what masturbation addiction is like? I would say it is comparable to crack (not that i've done it), where you get just 1 second of high and then total let down after wards, and then you want more until your penis gets infected from over masturbation, producing these weird white particle discharges that smells like yeast infection (pardon me for being so graphic). In any case, this morning I decided to ***embrace*** the pain rather than denying it while doing some prayer work in my head. Although, getting my ass out of my bed real quickly would be smarter next time rather than moping around in bed and thinking about it back and forth. I have to keep telling myself that I am not the addiction, I am not my penis or my body.

hope everyone has a pleasant weekend.

cheers

if i could only will.i.am

Welcome!

Thanks for your courage and determination to escape the bog. I don't know how much sniffing around you've done on the site, but one of the things I discovered in the last few months is that there is a protein that hangs around in addicts' brains for a month or two AFTER they are "off" their drug of choice. It hangs around in mice addicted to exercise, too, so it's not just specific to drug addiction. It also operates with behavioral addictions. Its job seems to be to make learning more "permanent." In other words...it makes relapse more likely.

Guys who are hooked on porn are finding it can take a good six weeks to feel their normal willpower return. The first two weeks are the toughest, but thereafter, any cues (things your brain associates with the "relief" of orgasm) can send your dopamine surging, and create miserable cravings. The good news is that if you can "white-knuckle it* for a bit, they pass, and you can have more and more moments of clarity and calm in between those cravings. (While you're coming back into balance, you may also be subject to the miseries of LOW dopamine from time to time...despair and depression...and a longing for the very cues that will start the whole cycle again. Try not to view any porn at all. It makes your challenge tougher.) Eventually, you'll level out.

I thought you might like to know this so you realize why two weeks alone isn't getting you to a stable position.

Another thing that can really help is connections with others. Meetings, even walking down the street looking people in the eye with a smile, greeting people, and so forth are good, but there are lots of other ideas. If you need some, say so. The reward circuitry that is driving the addiction is there, in part, to connect us with others, and when we do, it rewards us with good feelings that include calming, soothing oxytocin. Guys here have noticed that days when they have more contact with others, they have less urge to get off. Hope this helps.

Feel free to blog if you like. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers