Well I know that a lot of my lusting and addiction (based primarily on the female form and the anal sex that i have become quite fixated upon) is shaped primarily by my exposure to pornography and the amount of it.
I have in a way enjoyed this sense of losing myself into the world where I find a sense of relief from the pains and troubles of life and relationship.
I was married in an unhealthy relationship until about a month and a half ago.
I entered it thinking that I would be healed by the woman I thought was spiritually together and seemed very confident. She is 12 years my senior. I was never sexually attracted to her and when I aked her to marry me, my intuition, Spirit, call it what you will was vehemently screaming out NO!
Instead i ploughed ahead supressing this call and married her.
My addictions and the relationship challenged me as time went on. We had a baby and I found her less and less attractive. i could feel her pain and my own.
My sexual energy had no where to go. I didn't know how to work with it. I found myself in a cycle of porn, masterbation, at times paying for sex, regret, depression, self loathing, forgiveness to total self denial of my sexuaity.
No what I find within myself as I walk on the path of healing is;
that I feel my sexuality is not ok.
As I showered this morning, I noticed that as I washed my naked body, there was a rush to finish. I noticed that I was uncomfortable with my body. There was no time constraint, yet I was disconnected from being in my body, afraid to feel my body, mainly because of what pain might follow if I was to gain pleasure out of it and find myself masterbating and be unable to control where that might lead. I allowed myself to enjoy this touch.
The simple act of washing my body. I released my fear and suddenly i was in my body again. I virtually had a rush of energy not much unlike an orgasm from simply washing my body! Now that was incredible! I didn't even have a hard on. And yet I could feel the orgasm that was linked to life itself.
i acknowledge the journey that I am on. I have looked at porn so much more than will ever have been healthy for me or for the people that I Love. Yet I know deep down that I have the power to Transform all of this. And what more with dedicated effort and comittment i will be able to be there for others as you Marnia are.
All I know though is that like two nights ago when I fell prey to my Pornographic addiction, the tendency to choose an action that doesn't serve my higher purpose, where instead I choose by habit with my intense desire to look at and masterbate over images of anal penetration of beautiful naked women. It takes me away from the very things that I wish to create.
It takes Love. Patience and Undying forgiveness. Again and Again. This pain that i know and feel comes from the broken promises of I'll do better with my sexuality. I'll honour my masculinity. I'll honour the beauty of Woman and again, I find myself taking advantage of a woman or masterbating lustfully over a pornographic video and find myself filled with regret or sadness after the event or denial. At times even in the midst of it, I'll find myself thinking wow, that woman in the video is pretty much being violated, I'm not finding this a turn on, watching in disbelief I think how can anyone enjoy that, Its pretty sad really what goes on in the world of internet porn. Which basically is simply the world out there. People taking advantage of each other. And I know that I have indirectly supported it by being a part of it by watching and having paid to be a member of a porn site. Ahh, the guilt.
I know that women deserve better. Men deserve better. What this childlike quality that doesn't care about waiting to earn something by the way of hard work. it just wants the sexual gratification now and not have to work for the intimacy. the orgasm that comes from unfolding to life. no, it wants to avoid the pain and it wants the intensity of the sexual images and the graphic nature of the porn and the fantasy that helps to numb the pain of turning off to life and all its messages to come back home. To come back home to who I truly am. And to do this I have to be with the Pain. Be with all of these feelings. And to ride them like a wave.
Ahhh what a blessing that there is this support. I prayed for so long to find a support group available, for this sexual addiction. I knew it had to be available. Yet this is a new frontier. Barely discovered. With so many affected. I feel mainly Men but Women too. The power of the Sexual Energy is I feel, scary for so many. It is really my feeling that it is the core of life energy.
What creates us. And with my wasting this energy and jerking off at so many images of lustful acts, my semen lost, that energy has been misdirected. Which has sapped my strength.
I can only imagine with this energy harnessed what direction my life can take. For I already bare witness to a strength building within my life. With ,my intetniton building to move in a healthier direction.
And as I clarify and integrate this part of myself, I feel that I can create so much more powerfully.
Thank you Marnia for your heartfelt creation of this website... also I would be interested in what inspired you to create something like this.
Much Love and self Forgiveness