Why the Porn Is in the Trash

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Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
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I've struggled with my use of porn since I started masturbating in my youth (45 years ago). Of course, it was a hidden secret...my mother never said anything about the crusty sheets....or my father. I came out briefly in my 20's, brazenly putting up pictures of naked women in my room. I met my wife during that phase but went underground pretty quickly into our marriage. I got into SLA when we separated and didn't ever stay sober long. When we got back together I tossed the porn and didn't use it for a year. I did it for her and didn't get the increased intimacy that I wanted so started using again. She said it separated us and I said 1000 things separate us, I'll work on some of the others. When the kids left home, 7 years ago, the porn came out. The magazines went on the bookshelf, the videos and DVD's on the rack, the bookmarked porn sites went into a folder easily found as PORN, and my screen saver showed my current favorite pics. 3 years ago I started keeping a porn journal of my interactions with porn, open and available to my wife. January 2007 I attended the 3rd in the CranioSacral Therapy series of workshops and had a spiritual awakening. This atheist in me had to deal with the Jesus in me. I have not joined any religion (unless you count CST and reuniting) but the porn just didn't seem relevant to my spiritual path. It took no great effort to pack the stuff up and put it in the basement (including backup discs). I chipped throughout '08....a little here, a little there....but I didn't masturbate to cumming. Last week I accepted hotspring's invitation to apologize to a woman for my use of porn. I gathered the stuff up, put it in the trash and then apologized to my wife. Today when I see a photo in a mag or an image on TV, I look but don't seek to hoard it. When I see a sexy woman, I look, try not to leer and do not turn away if caught, but smile a greeting (with some self amusement).
Peace to us all


Your openness about porn use, what you called "coming out," reminded me this morning about boys I've met throughout my life that had the same attitude. The first I met when I was teenager, a guy named Matt. I remember going to his house and entering his bedroom to find every inch of wall space covered in photos cut out from porn mags. I don't know if I was shocked, or just confused. He seemed like a very normal guy, but the experience for me was anything but normal, at least back then.

I started working at a record store when I was 19, and we sold both adult movies and mags. Still naive, I would kinda chuckle to myself after customers in hats and dark glasses would leave the store with their merchandise. The problem came when my co-workers were leaving the store with the same stuff! I had absolutely no idea how to react. It seemed almost everyone was doing it, and they were people that I really liked (or they were my superiors). I think that must have been about the time that it became "normal" or "mainstream" in my mind.

I met my last boyfriend at that job, when I was 21, although we didn't get together until several years later. He was actually the most open about his porn use of anyone I had met. But he was so cute and innocent, and he mostly just made a joke of it, that it never bothered me at all. It was his openness, contrasted against my fear or opening up, that really attracted me to him in the first place. It was not until a year or so into our relationship, after learning about the fallout after orgasm, that it dawned on either of us that his porn use may have been a problem. It was not our only problem, by any means, but it was there.

Thinking about my relationship with him, it makes it very difficult for me to understand your wife's reluctance to try something new. It seems to me that she has done some suffering along with you, and that she sees now your willingness and desire to change. She must love you, or she would not have stuck around. Does she say *why* she will not continue to read the book?

Thank you for your openess

I use my blog to chart my journey and to share. Perhaps someone on the path might learn something from it....as I have learned from you.
Why she won't read the book? 1) She doesn't like self help books. We are busy people. There is always something important to do. Reading is a luxury to be indulged a few minutes before sleep. She prefers a good novel. 2) She is cautious about my new sex trip. We have years of healing to do. I haven't pressed the issue. There may be other reasons. I think Ill wait for Cupid's Arrow.


You remind me of the pathetic guy in the current Cheerios commercial. Snap out of it man! Whether you want to look at porn or not is completely up to you, and if you ever did it or want to do it you don't owe anybody an apology.


Porn is objectifying and degrading, and *most* women resent that. some women even resent men for that.
Che's apology to his wife (and indeed, to all of womankind through his actions) reflect a great depth of character, and a genuinely repentant heart for the ways in which he has contributed to a great sexual injustice in our age. There is nothing pathetic about that.

Its damn inspiring actually. Thank you Che. I wish more men would step up to try and absolve the problem of porn (and ultimate objectification and sexualization of the feminine gender), through such a revolutionary and simple act as his.

Thank you for your support

OMG I just got out my bible.....it's getting scary over here. Couldn't find the reference, but I believe that after a healing Jesus would say something like, "Repent and sin no more." I always hated that part. There is a lot in me that wants to defend and argue to preserve my self esteem and assert my rights. I have often said to christians that I am of the sinning "stiff necked people", those who would not bow before the Lord. The apology was important on a spiritual healing level and not part of a feminist agenda. I understand and support feminism (my grandmother was a Suffragette....don't ya'll just love that diminutive...in Wyoming early 1900's) but I never got the "objectifying and degrading" part. The porn I used was Pent&Play and Victoria's Secret. There is a lot of cultural support for that level of porn. The women are lovely and, as far as I knew, willing and well compensated participating adults.....blah, blah, blah.....so many rationalizations. I've used them all up. I just want to be whole.

Harsh dude...

I don't know the commercial. I will cop to being a drama queen and can do pathetic pretty good. Using porn is absolutely my choice. I choose not to. Wanting porn is a little different. Noting the feelings just before I want it has been very educational....stroking my dick hasn't brought much insight. The pleasure of laying next to my woman with an open heart is beyond measure. Using porn got in the way of me seeing her godhead. Turning away from the face of god should bring tears of apology to your eyes.
Thanks for your interest and your contributions to our journey.

Jesus Reference

You are referring to a great story about Jesus. You can find it in John 8: 1-11.

It is about a women taken to Jesus by the religious hypocrites of the day - they accuse her before Jesus of adultery and want to stone her to death but really, they are trying to trap Jesus. Jesus replies, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." At this time in the story, Jesus writes on the ground and it is implied that the men all knew that Jesus knew their sin. Miraculously, the men all walk away, unable to cast the first stone.

I find that part of the story interesting. It is just like me to condemn others when in fact, I am really projecting my dark shadow - it is really my ego trying to protect itself by hiding my own awful character defects.

Jesus looks to the woman and says, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you? Neither do I condemn you, go your way and sin no more.

Everyone is free to draw their own conclusions - let each with ears, hear what they need to hear.

I also applaud you for your courageous decisions. Yes, one could say your porn habits are your business and that is true. I know for me, apologies are empty words that cannot change the past.

What I admire about you is your "living amends" to acknowledge your past behaviors by making meaningful changes in your present life. I believe that is the wisdom of Jesus in the story - you have chosen to accept love, acceptance, grace and mercy about the past and chose to live an open and loving life today.

This will be your gift to yourself whether or not your wife ever embraces your changes. You are accepting the things you cannot change, finding the courage to change the things you can and receiving God's wisdom to know the difference.

Love your last comments. You so so right - it is all about the feelings that precede the stroking! And if stroking the dick brought insight, we would all have been ascended zen masters eons ago! Porn blinds us to seeing God because it becomes our God. Now without porn, you can enjoy that open heart with all women in all situations wherever that takes you!

Lastly, turning the other cheek says so much about your open heart. You sound very whole to me!

Thanks for your sharing!



Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. Chills ran up my spine (I do need to get off my ass and stoke the fire) and tears stung my eyes. I come here to log my story and I get so much love and intelligent support.


Took out the trash today, just after my wife left for work. I regarded the trashcan whimsically remembering how I used to run to the porn as soon as she left the house.
All is well