kurisu's picture
Submitted by kurisu on
Printer-friendly version

Hi everybody,

Sorry about the weird subject line, but that's about all I can think of to say right now. I'll explain. I'm new here, "kurisu" is how you'd say my name Chris in Japanese. I'm male, 27, and out of options. I have been addicted to porn/masturbation since I was 12 and first figured out how to do it. I want to stop.

Truth is, I'm feeling terrified to post here, because right now I am so ruined, I am terrified of even the smallest rejections. But I have to do this. I have to ask for help. I know I can't do this alone. I've tried to quit, alone, since I was 14. Yup, I recognized it as a problem even at 14, and now I'm 27 and it's worse than ever.

I don't remember how I found this site. But I'm so glad I did. Reading your stories has been so inspiring you have no idea. For the first time ever, I can believe that it is possible to end this terrible way of life!

I need help. I don't even know what I'm asking for really. Today is day 2. It's been an awful day, so I think I'll tell you my withdrawal symptoms for now:

--Mood swings like a pregnant 13-year-old girl.
--Severe, unbearable loneliness.
--Tension: headaches, mild muscle aches, stiffness all over, a feeling like pressure on my teeth.
--Social paralysis.
--Anxiety about nothing in particular.
--Panic attacks (rare, but it's happened)
--Always feeling cold, even in front of the fireplace.
--Intense fear of anything and everything.
--Crying about everything...I'll see a neat-looking tree and then cry about it.
--Intense, insatiable desire for human contact...yet a terrible fear of actually getting it!
--Fear of rejection.
--No desire for sex...until I catch a glimpse of porn again (or wait long enough of a time without looking)
--Insatiable food cravings...Almost ate an entire pan of brownies in 24 hours.
--I'm a composer...and I can't compose.
--I have a VERY SHORT FUSE you idiot! LOL...treating people like crap when I feel like this! This is the worst symptom!

If someone would be willing to set me up a blog, I want to write my life story. It's kinda long, so I'll save it for a blog. Hopefully it will even be interesting, lol.

If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that I am not just here to take, but to give back in return. Today I'm feeling completely terrible, but I'll do my best. If you read this, thank you.


You're in good company

I really don't think rejection is something you have to worry about here. I'm very glad you are here, and look forward to reading your life story. :)

PS: Your name is actually Chris, and not Andy, right? You sound EXACTLY like my ex, really, it's uncanny...

Definitely Chris And I've

Definitely Chris :) And I've never dated, so I think I am probably not your ex. Thank you for reading! It's so good to know there are people out there who are actually interested in getting to know me.


Okay, well

it's nice to meet you, then. :) Admittedly, I harbor a secret fantasy that my ex will show up here one day, not because I want a reunion, but because I'd really love to see him take the kind of steps that you're taking. I don't talk to him anymore, but I will always believe him to be a very special person, so my "mistaking" you for him can be considered a compliment to you.

Bye for now,

Hi Chris

The realisation that your mood swings are link to your sexual habits is a major breakthrough. Walking through that door is a non-avoidable part of the recovery process. I salute you for admitting to it.

Welcome to the forum and I hope that there may be some words that I can offer that may help you in some way.

so great that you are here!

Thanks for your honesty. You are very welcome to this place. It is so great that you are searching for solutions. The world needs people like you that are willing to change (or better: become what they really are). Hold the line and you will succeed.
A warm welcome!

(as far as I know Marnia now you will have your possibility to blog at the latest tomorrow, I'm looking forward to your story)

Thank you for the blog!

Thank you for the blog! Thanks to everyone else who responded. You make this place an incredible resource for recovery. I'll be talking to you all more and more as I read your own blogs.


Welcome Chris!

You obviously still have your sense of humor, which is great to see.

You *do* have two things working against you. The first is long-term porn use. In other words, you have done a masterful job of laying down a RUT in your brain, which only knows one way to seek relief. (Good job! Wink ) It will take time to construct some alternatives. This means you will probably feel like crap for two weeks, and *still* have intense cravings from time to time for the next two months (thanks to a protein that lurks in addicts' brains).

The other big challenge is the fact that you are trying to do this alone. I'm sure you probably took note of these online resources for recovery, but here they are again: http://www.reuniting.info/science/porn_addiction_good_luck Some of them work without physical meetings...although physical meetings offer contact with the cure (other humans).

Your experience of longing for contact and having severe social anxiety and irritability is NORMAL for masturbation addiction. Weird, but true. I say that so that you detach a bit. Just observe it...like a scientist in a laboratory noting evidence of a particular condition. It's not YOU. The real you is obviously warm, humorous and gifted.

If you have a moment, post your list of withdrawal symptoms here, too, so you can help others: http://www.reuniting.info/node/745

How did your English get so good? (Don't tell me porn helps with something.... Wink )

Haha, actually, it is my

Haha, actually, it is my English that is good and my Japanese that is bad, because I am really American :) (Well, as good as any American's English would be, haha) Marnia, thank you for your informative post. I totally appreciate the way you speak to every individual person who comes to post here. The things you said make perfect sense to me, because actually I have been lurking here for a long time before I dug up the courage to post. I very much want to join a 12-step or similar fellowship, but I am still very afraid of social contact and I'm taking it slowly--internet forums first, and then real-life fellowship next.

That reminds me, I am open to being a courtly companion. Not quite sure how that works, but I just want to throw it out there.


Well, that's

the beauty of your challenge...you slowly *made* the rut, and you can slowly heal it...taking the steps you need to, at your own pace.

As you realize, that doesn't mean that those steps will necessarily be *easy* at first, so do be willing to push yourself when you least feel like doing so.

We unfortunately don't have enough Companions to go around. I've heard there are lots of women chatting on Oprah's forums who might also understand that porn addiction is a problem for all of us. I want to invite them to join our discussions, but I haven't had a good inspiration for how I could make visiting us sound inviting.

Any ideas anyone??? Anyone know the forums over there?

Sounds like you need a

Sounds like you need a massage! Hey, it would be great if we could set up some kind of fund for massage, so that we could gift massage to people in crisis (the only problem with massage is . . . its addictive, all that oxytocin flowing, all those endorphins, but in an entirely different way.) Then we could approach wealthy porn magnates with the suggestion that they donate to this fund to make up for some of the suffering they've wrought on poor 12 year olds and beyond. Imagine if just 1% of all the profits from porn were given back to porn addicts in withdrawal in the form of massage as a way to cope with the transition. True, it wouldn't be enough to fund a massage for each one as there are many addicts out there, but I bet it would be a hefty sum of money.

Kurisu, you say that you have "a feeling like pressure on my teeth". Did you know that in Oriental medicine the teeth are ruled by the kidneys? And the kidneys also regulate hormones and fluid pressure. One reason that Taoists warn against excessive sexual indulgence and masturbation, is because it depletes kidney chi. You might want to look into eating foods that strenghthen the kidneys, like black beans and lots of greens. Paul Prichford's book "Healing with Whole Foods" is a good start. In it, he says, "In the Control (Destruction) cycle, fire (heart) is extinguished by water (kidneys). When the balancing is normal and healthful, it can be called the control cycle. If it is not, a Control Cycle can become a Destruction Cycle. This occurs when an organ becomes hyperactive or excessive in some way and then, instead of beneficially controlling the next organ in the control cycle, it attacks it." In this case it would be the kidneys attacking the heart.


"We of the 'information age' tend to have mental hyperactivity. Energy from excessive thought and worry races through the head while the heart is impoverished. In severe cases, the yang aspects of the heart - heat, qi eneryg, and spirit - flood upward into the head. An excess of these qualities can cause fever, headache, irritability, insomnia, and mental disturbances. In general, the dietary cure for this condition involves improving the yin of the heart, so that spirit is held in the heart by a protective barrier of yin essences; similarly, heat and qi are also restrained."

You can find information in that book about what to eat to nourish the heart yin. The following substances reduce nervousness and improve mental focus by quieting the spirit and helping it stay centered in the heart: oyster shell, whole grains, mushrooms, silicon-rich foods (cucumber, celery, lettuce), mulberries and lemons, Schisandra berries, jujube seeds, chia seeds, dill and basil, chamomile, skullcap, and valerian.)

Another basic principle in Oriental Medicine is that any extreme turns to its opposite. So the yang hyperactive urgent and desire-filled aspects, when taken to the extreme, will turn into their opposite symptoms that you describe - timid, introverted, cooler body and personality, fearful, insecure.

Good luck! And don't forget to go get a professional massage.