what to do now!?

Submitted by light on
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Ok, I was addicted to porn and masturbation. But after reading on this site I just completely stopped porn and masturbation. I am now on my day 120.
I dont have any girl at the moment to have sex with and I have now problem to see the benefits of never masturbating ever again. Porn is crap that for sure. But masturbation without porn is that bad? what should I do?

*sigh*

First, welcome! Feel free to blog if you like.

Whenever I reach an impasse in my personal growth, I try to get guidance from "outside the box." It can be dangerous. For example, it led me to the material on this site.;-) But I admire you for reaching out for answers. They may come from all over the place. You might even like playing around with this: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/inner_wisdom_oracle

One thing's for sure, you're right that there's more to discover. Would you like a sweetheart? Have you made any efforts to meet someone? Sharing all that energy with another has led to some unexpected synergy in my life. I wish you could have a taste of it, too.

answer

I go out every weekend but get rejected all the time. I am afraid of getting sexual with women. And I am way too nice and carefully when speaking with women. So I have never been on a date in my life. I am 27.

I was a similar age before I

I was a similar age before I first dated, and despite going out on the weekend, I met my date in my daily life.

I don't know if you mean going out drinking/dancing when you say "go out every weekend", but it might be worth joining some clubs or something that interests you where you can meet women without the situation being loaded towards sexual encounters.

answer

Yes I agree. I go to the "meat market" (clubs, bars) But yes I should try to find healty girls with common interest as me. Anyway I find the flirting and escalating thing towards intimacy/sex very difficult. I barely dear to touch on a girl. (afraid of getting recejected, looked as a pervert etc)

*sigh*

I can't help thinking of all those women who are there not because they like drinking and smoking, but because they want to meet a nice person - like YOU. Definitely get out of the bar scene and have a look around for someone who isn't self-medicating with substances.

Pull out some list of local activities and make a point to check out three of them. Running? Biking? Hiking? Music? Tai chi? Even a religious congregation, for heaven's sake.;-)

Bars

Yikes... I guess I go to the wrong place to meet women too. A friend told me that bars are a great place to practice your game so when you meet someone through other aspects of your life - through friends, work, interests then you're prepared. It seems to make sense to me. Sometimes I wonder if I should take an art class, acting class or something similar where I'm sure to find women.

I think bars sucks

Because the whole situation can be awkward. She thinks you have an agenda, she puts up her defense, maybe receject you in a rude way etc.. That can be hard, especially for NICE GUYS. I think bars can be good for practicing if you have some skills+your inner game is very good. If your inner game is not that good, like myself, I think its wise to improve you good feeling abput yourself, your self confidence before sarging for a girlfriend/sex. Improving inner game is hard and take long time, but I am sure thats the way to go for people with low self esteem, trying to pick up girls with pick up lines. They will not be congruent with who they really believe they are. So daily life flirting is less risky for the ego of a nice guy. Girls will normally be freindly and talkative and never reject you in a rude way. But that can happen in bars.

BTW why should I not masturbate after so long off? havent I recovered? I am thinking about masturbation without fantasizing or porn.

You're right on

You're right on with a lot you say here. But remember - you're more resilient than you think. If you get rejected, are you going to have a heart attack? Or you going to die right there and then? Of course, not!! You're a survivor - that's how you made it through life so far and you'll continue to survive just fine.

Just because she's rude to you that's not a reflection on you or your self confidence. It's a reflection on her immaturity. You've got to learn to forget about what she thinks. You don't want to get to know a rude, immature, prissy with an attitude anyway. I know it's a lot easier said than done. It took me a lot of courage to spark up conversations with strangers and it still doesn't come easy. I just did it the brute force way though. Go up to a girl and start talking. I've done it in bars with some moderate success a bunch of times. Heck - I've even walked up to a couple girls on the beach sun bathing and started up a conversation on my own - no support from friends. And women sun-bathing on a beach aren't there to meet people or have conversations. It felt awkward as hell but they responded. Looking back I got all nervous and bailed and now I regret I didn't take it further - I never asked them for an email address or number. They were vacationing and I'm sure they would have been up to hang out with me all day if I just had the courage. Over time, those kind of experiences build confidence so I say it doesn't matter where you meet someone - just go for it and start a conversation. And Don't take things personally on the occasions when you get rejected - either she's not single or she wasn't worth getting to know. Don't forget, she got the short end of the stick - she's missing out on the opportunity to get to know you - she's missing out on an opportunity of a life time.

You have courage. thats

You have courage. thats good. I have tried the same as you. going up to many girls in a bar. Before I could sit for hours just looking at a girl not daring to say anything to her. But I have improved alot.

I have also been trying to talk to girls in daytime. In bars I`ve got recejected a few times. In the beginning I was abit sensititive to that but now I just dont care that much. Most of the time the reject me in a polite way. I have talked to and got number to maybe 15-20 girls. I have sendt them sms the day after the party but none of them has ever replied. Thats make me feel like giving up. Seems like I just cant spark the attraction, or maybe I do something akward during the conversation i dont know about. (I think I relieve alot about my insecurity in my body language) So I think I need something to do to create attraction. But thats easier said than done of course. You can always try to tease her, but if you are insecure when doing that or get emotionally or angry when she tests you, then you have lost. Most of the time the convos I have with women in bars gets boring, I asks for phone number, she most of the time gives it to me, but I never hear more from them.

Well this sounds like complaining. And yes it is. But I will stop doing that. I will focus on improving myself and stop thinking "oh my god what should I do to impress this girl" like I normally always do when I am attracted to a girl. The journey will be long, but the most important thing is that I am happy with myself, not to get a girl get attracted to me.

Marnia I will try your suggestion. actually I have heard the same "opener" in many different websites. So I guess its good.

Just a suggestion...

based on what the men here have said: before you experiment with going back to masturbation, try one of those other strategies for meeting women. You'll feel more confident with a full tank. And it's not like you're at risk of forgetting how to masturbate any time soon.;-)

Whatever you decide to do, keep a journal, or blog, so you have a record of what you observe.

I love that

Lol. I'm going to try it out. I'm sure I can get a laugh out of that one and then I'll give them a serious look and make them feel awkward. Teehehehehe. :)

I spent a year as a

I spent a year as a missionary to the inner city of Oakland.
while a part of that program, the founder of it came to speak to us, and encourage us. it was a year of total celibacy. we were not allowed to pursue relationships - inside or outside of the program - our focus was on bringing the kingdom of God to oakland. (the policy was strict - it was specifically in the handbook that conversations in that direction about the opposite sex was forbidden. seemingly excessive, but it was really awesome to be a young man, along with others my age, not focused on "getting some".)

anyways, the founder - Bart Campolo - came to encourage us near the end of it.
He believes people choose relationships for the wrong reasons. that they get involved and fall in love, and then try to deal with conflicts as an after thought.
He basically told us to run towards Jesus as fast as possible, and then start looking around to see who is running at the same pace in the same direction as you. Then make out with them. Wink

I think about this a lot. The reason I bring it up here, even though I know as a christian I am a minority on this forum, is because I think its really practical advice for anyone.

What if instead of going to bars to meet people living lives that are not remotely close to your own, you look around to see who is living a life that is headed in the same direction as you? whether that be in a fight against AIDS, in community theatre, or in a local chapter of your professional organization, there are people who have beliefs and goals that match your own.

it might solve some of the problems people face when it comes down who is giving up their goals for the other.

---hayduke
the light of my eyes is a pearl,
equally emptied to equally shine;
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple, and endlessly mine.
(mewithoutyou)

Nice post, Hayduke

It's a simple matter to adapt your advice for those of other persuasions, too. "Put your attention on aligning your will with the Tao, or Divine Will, or your Higher Self, or [wise mystic of choice], and other pieces in your life will fall into place."

Balancing your inner state is a critical factor in coming into alignment, and lots of things help with that: meditation, prayer, tai chi, karezza, saying "goodbye" to porn, improving diet, etc. But all become easier if you have a Larger Goal in view.