Hereby I make an official pledge not to use porn and not to masturbate to orgasm for two weeks.
a bit on my background if you are interested.
I feel like I am stuck in a rut for about ten years now in this cycle. I felt intense guilt and went to therapy because of this and felt like I was a future women molester because of my strong addiction. My addiction began because I felt unsure as a man and I used porn to stabilize an imaginary masculine persona. Porn was a safe haven but now I feel it only dries me up and hollows me out. Today I feel like a guy with rich personal qualities but when I use porn I mechanically revert back to being a needy teenager. It feels like I don't want to loose that alienated teenager persona though I've grown it out in the pastime. I was raised as an only child with only my mom parenting me and I developed a "good boy" persona and always thought any aggressiveness towards women was totally wrong. So I was the more fascinated by violent porn and the more ashamed of it when I caught myself viewing it. When viewing porn the movie articulated my mistrust and anger on women I could not muster to consciously live. When I was porn addicted and felt guilty I attracted a girlfriend who was sort of the reverse, she was frigid. She made me feel bad about my sexual drive so I reverted even more to porn. I was always fearful on my animal instincts because I also am a very intellectual person who was baffled by his urges.
I am willing to give this experiment a try and accept not only its good effects but its bad effects as well. wish me good luck.
I am simply soooooo tired about my mechanical masturbations.
I do not have grand new plans but at least I want to allow some creative space in my live in order to fill my voids in a more creative way. and not to live on as a sort of robot. There are too many zombies and robots in the world already. I want to stand out.
Any comments are appreciated.