I decided yesterday, again, that I’m going to try to kick the habit. Reading through your stories on this forum and your blogs gave me some great ideas and inspiration. So yesterday was April 23, 2009 was Day 1 for me.
I know it’s not going to be easy. While deleting my stash, I kept vacillating between anxiety and relief. Part of me feels a weight lifted since I don’t have to hide and manage this porn collection anymore. But I get anxious thinking about how I might miss seeing this movie or that performer again. Although, that seems a little silly, since I almost never rewatch anything I’ve collected. I just download, watch briefly, have a wank, and file the movie in the appropriate category. (I wish I could be that organized in other areas of my life!)
There are many good reasons for me to take this step, but here are some that weigh on my mind the most:
1. I’m tired of this giant time-suck. I can’t believe I haven’t finished that book I started reading in January. I’m tired of saying I don’t have time to exercise. I’m tired of thinking “I wish I had more time to work in the garden or finish building that pergola.” And I’m tired of isolating myself from my friends.
2. My wife has quite a few medical issues and I spend a lot of time taking care of her. I use that as an excuse to use porn. I tell myself I deserve this time to relax and escape. That’s true, though. I do deserve time to relax, but using porn just isn’t a healthy way for me to do that. When she tells people that she has the most caring husband in the world, I’m tired of feeling guilty about my dirty little secret. It would be nice to be able to just accept her kind words.
I feel like if I can abstain long enough to give my brain chemistry time to reset, then I can do this. So that’s my focus right now. Since I can’t check myself in to a monastery, here’s my plan:
- Remove the porn
- No more masturbating
- When I get the urge, do one of these things
- Ride my bike
- Do some pushups
- Get myself to this web site
I would also like to look into some books on meditation or cognitive-behavioral therapy, if anyone has any recommendations.
It took me a lot of years to get into this state, but it was just one day at a time. That’s the same way I’m going to have to get out. I’ve just got to keep my self occupied this weekend. I’ve got a business trip next week, which should keep me busier than normal. Hopefully that will help these initial withdrawals. If I do end up sitting around the hotel room at night, I’ll definitely be on this site.
Thanks for listening. It’s a relief to be able to let all this out.