My decision to go public

Submitted by bsdeq2203 on
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All right. So here I am, sitting in my home office after spending almost 30 minutes on internet porn. Nothing new. The same ritual follows. I flip through different porn sites and look for a promising one. I skip to the 'good' part and then 'release' myself. If not good, I go through several online clips within the same sitting. In the process, I do not think too much about my impulse to do it. Once done, I realize how much time and mental energy it takes on me. And this is a notice that I am writing to myself and others alike on this forum so that I can get some help with my recovery. I, though as anonymous as this sounds, want to be known to the little community and want to share my experience of mixed feelings.

Having started with that, I also want you readers to know that I am a very fit and healthy individual in a happy marriage. I am in my late twenties. I have been trying to analyze my issue from multiple angles. While underlying reasons might be a matter of debate, I come to the infirm conclusion that it is a habit that is to be abandoned. Watching internet porn ( and more importantly masturbating) is really getting to me. I want to try (this is my second or third try) and change this habit. If you have some words of encouragement or tips to share, I welcome them with an open heart. My appreciation will go towards you if you lend me a hand in this very difficult process of quitting. With this, I declare my once and ultimate public war against my personal internet addiction and masturbation.

But today is day 0.

Welcome!

I don't think we'll "lend a hand" if you don't mind ;-), but we will encourage you to do whatever you want to do. Understanding how addiction curtails freewill is a good first step. Did you take a look at these pages? http://www.reuniting.info/resources/porn_masturbation_addiction

Feel free to start a blog if you like: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Good luck in changing your habits. Any chance your wife will be willing to engage in daily bonding behaviors? http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/bonding_magic That should make the transition easier.

Welcome!

I'm glad to hear that you are in a happy marriage. I suppose that means, in part, that you are having sex with your wife somewhat regularly, though perhaps not as often as you would like.

For many years I had sex with my wife about once a week, usually Sunday mornings. By Tuesday I would start craving more sex. The intensity of those cravings seemed to peak around Thursday. After years of that pattern, I felt resentful toward my wife for not giving me as much sex as I wanted.

A couple years ago I studied the material on this site, and subsequent experiments and observations lead me to believe that I was addicted to having orgasms. "Addicted" in much the same way as people can be addicted to nicotine or alcohol or behaviors such as gambling. Having an orgasm can provide a few seconds of pleasure and can briefly provide some relief from the cravings, but the orgasm actually causes more cravings a day or two later.

That is confirmed by my experiments. I haven't masturbated or had any kind of sex for ten months now. The cravings gradually quieted down in the weeks after I gave up masturbating. But I have had about four dream orgasms during these ten months, and each time, the cravings were more intense in the week following the orgasm. (Incidentally, those dream orgasms were all "dry" orgasms, not wet dreams.)

The reason I'm writing this note is that it occurs to me that if you are still having "conventional" (i.e. with-orgasm) sex with your wife, the orgasms from sex may trigger another cycle of craving and make it more difficult to quit the porn and masturbation. So I have a suggestion: in your lovemaking, do you sometimes experiment with different positions, doing it fast or slow, different times of day, or whatever? Why not try this experiment: make love, but don't have the orgasm.

I tried that (making love without orgasm) a few times early in my marriage. It was very pleasant, and I felt wonderful for a day or two afterward. I discontinued the practice because I thought I might have difficulty getting to sleep or might go crazy from horniness if I went for a long time without orgasm. But my recent experiments have shown that those concerns were unfounded. I'm not (usually) distracted by horniness, and I get to sleep just fine.

I wish you good luck, whatever you decide to do!

Hi bsdeq2203!

If you decide to seek balance, starting a blog or keeping a personal journal may be interesting for you if you have some free time because you will probably experience intense feelings and it's interesting to look back on them in the future.

I am only about 5 weeks "sober" but I agree with what CF said above about orgasm addiction. The brain really will change and adapt. After a long period of orgasm abstinence, an orgasm would feel kindof like eating cake frosting after 1 month of vegetable diet: just way too much stimulation.

Keep in mind that just with any habit change the major "effort" period is the first couple weeks. After that it starts getting easier.

Good luck :)

Good luck

It sounds like you're already halfway there, having started to analyse your situation and making the commitment to stop.

There is much good material here (as Marnia has linked to above) and I recommend blogging your progress if you have some time, and also responding to others on the forums. I've found that openly, if 'anonymously', talking about all this stuff is a great help.

Best wishes,
time_for_change

progress report

Hi All,

Thanks for all the kind suggestions.

It's been more than a week since my decision to change my behavior. So far so good. No fall back yet. Once in a while I begin to drift into a fantasizing about it but then I pull myself back into reality. Perhaps I am addicted to 'orgasm'. I am going to be more mindful of my craving as time goes on.

As some of you have already suggested, I am also going to start a blog to document my struggles of staying away from alcohol, porn/masturbation, smoking and coffee. This is a dramatic life change but we will see how far I can go with this.

Today is day 8.

Best
bsdeq2203

Congratulations

on your progress so far. Dramatic is sometimes best.

What things are you doing that help the most? Or was it simply your clear decision that's helping?

*big hug*