Terminology: withholding/denying vs. declining

Submitted by Amari on
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I've heard various people around here and elsewhere talk about "withholding" or "denying" orgasm. I may have even used that language myself, but I've decided it's not the best way to talk about it. Why? It immediately sets up an inner conflict. To deny or withhold something is to refuse to give something to someone who wants it. So already you're assuming that someone (your partner? your primitive brain?) wants an orgasm, and you're being stingy by not providing it. In this drama you've created by this way of talking or thinking, you are not the hero!

I like the word "decline" better. If you decline orgasm the connotations are more neutral. It means that someone if offering something (an orgasm) to you and you are politely refusing. It becomes as simple as being offered a second piece of cake by your hostess but declining because you know it will give you a tummy ache. There's no conflict involved.

Anybody else have an opinion on this?


I agree. The last person I had a conversation about this with (probably about a year ago) suggested that by avoiding orgasm, I was "denying" myself pleasure (and consequently, would also be "denying" HIM pleasure). He may actually have used the word "sacrifice," or something else very dramatic.

But of course that it not what this is about, and that mindset does seem to set one up for failure. IMO, by passing up orgasm, I am only "denying" myself the punishment of post-orgasmic hangover. I also like the word "forego" in addition to your suggestions.

Or "avoid"

Like avoiding an accident or an argument or something else unpleasant.

"Why would you want to avoid orgasm?" - and there you have a perfect opening for explaining the undesirable after-effects of orgasm.

I also like "forgo", as in forgoing an unhealthy dessert.

"transcend" ;)

You're right, the way you frame the issue is key. I haven't been watching for long but I think the guys here who frame it as a battle or struggle are making it harder on themselves unnecessarily.