Oral sex as a giving (perhaps as an exchange).

Submitted by Zeuthen on
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Hi everyone.

I read that oral sex is a natural biological trigger, but what if is is given somewhat like a caring massage? Personally, I enjoy performing oral sex on my partner, not to pursue orgasm, but because I know she loves it and loves it best, when it is very slow and caring. I like it, because I love doing something for her, similar to when I like giving her massage. Not to turn her on or to make her orgasm. Would it be okay, then?

I think it goes the other way around too, she doesn't want me to orgasm either, nor to turn me on, but to give me a enjoyable feeling and a good feeling of doing something selflessly.

Oh, and now we are at it, I see kissing/fondling breasts is in the list of bonding behaviours in CPA. Isn't it the most typical target for 'needy' touching? Maybe it is just me, but even after several weeks of no orgasms, I still feel a strange drawing desire towards the chest area and I dare not pursue it.

Very best regards,

Chart your own course

You're right that different activities release different amounts of dopamine for different people, and therefore not everyone is as aroused by a particular activity. For example, I recommend foot massage, but for a foot fetishist that might be a really dodgy idea. Smile

Oral sex seems particularly likely to escalate dopamine over time because it's quite arousing, and very tempting to "get your partner going just a wee bit more...for the fun of watching her/him lose control." Even if you avoid climax, you may find you/she feel(s)...restless or unsatisfied afterward. (That's high dopamine you're feeling.) I found that intense arousal like that tends to cause orgasm dreams in me, which also affect my mood subtly over the next two weeks.

Just watch, and try not to rationalize. Wink Remember, there is no "wrong" or "right" here. There's only what works for you, and what doesn't.


"Giving" can be a vague word. If you are "giving" your partner intense sexual arousal as a "gift" that is fine. But it is building tension in her nervous system, and may leave her restless and even irritable over the following days.

It turns out that daily bonding behaviors soothe because they *calm* the nervous system. That's what relaxes the defensiveness of the amygdala (the part of the primitive brain that acts as our inner security guard) over the long haul. (Obvously, intense sexual stimulation turns down the amygdala in the short-term, which is why people engage in reckless sex. But that can make them feel less safe in the longer term.)

My point is that there's a difference between what soothes the nervous system and therefore promotes bonding, and what builds sexual tension in it, which may not make your partner feel as safe over time.

Thanks for the response I

Thanks for the response :)

I read that you and your husband have overheated yourselves a few times, but how is overheated defined? Right now, I would say overheated is the point, where you nearly can't control yourself. So is sexual tension in moderate doses okay (to the point where you have no troubles controlling yourselves, yet it is a little turning on and leaves both extra playful and energic)? Or is dopamine in any amount bad and perhaps even counter-productive in the pursue of love?

Very best regards,

Dopamine isn't "bad"

and without some of it, there would be no attraction. It's only when it's too high that it causes problems.

There's no easy answer to your question. Watch yourselves as you experiment and you'll learn more than I could teach you.:-) What we found was that when we got too close to the edge of orgasm, as with daily (vigorous) intercourse, it created distance between us. Our sleeping went out of sync. Gary felt hornier and hornier instead of more and more satisfied. I felt drained. The feelings were subtle, but noticeable.

When we cooled it again (starting over with the affectionate activites in the Exchanges), and put a night of goal-less affection in between our intercourse nights, the restlessness calmed down.

So just be alert...and honest with yourselves. If it's not a problem, you'll feel very satisfied afterward. If it is, then you'll be hungry constantly and may begin to notice friction, or going out of sync, in some way.