Submitted by Lolita on
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As a female I have to disagree a bit with the concept commonly put forth here that men who orgasm less are more attractive to women.

In college I knew a guy who was interested in tantra and confided in me that he never orgasmed. This may well be true, because he certainly did exude a powerfully sexual energy. Now to us girls, this was just plain freaky. We used to call him the "Champagne Bottle" because his "contents were under pressure". It was not anything he outwardly did, but this strange energy he had that made us all avoid him. As far as I know, he is still single and bagging groceries at the local supermarket.

In my own experience with men, I have found my best relationships have been with guys who were open to feeling sexual bliss whether or not they had a partner. I had a boyfriend who did not masturbate and our sexual relationship was disappointing and short-lived. The most sexually fantastic relationship I had was with a man who enjoyed porn and masturbation even alone. The fact that he was not sexually seeking a partner was an intense turn on for me and the sexual aspects of our relationship were extraordinary.

My current relationship is with a man who has been unable to orgasm for medical reasons for quite some time. (loss of feeling) Even without orgasm he is still very moody, depressed and does not seem to display any of the positive advantages of abstaining from orgasm.

Anyway, just thought I'd give my 2 cents.

Champagne Bottle

Youre probably right in saying that not all men forgoing orgasm leads to more attraction from women. First, all people are wired differently. If I have a pressing guilt or self esteem issue tied to my sexuality or orgasm, and I abstain from orgasm, then naturally my self esteem returns and I am more attractive to females. If I do not have those kinds of issues tied to my sexuality, then abstaining from orgasm might not have any effect. Some mystical schools claim that celibacy retains life force and that would explain some of the noticeable changes, but as far as I know from this site, it seems like they explain these occurrences through brain chemistry. The brain chemistry cycles effect and are effected by cognition. If my dopamine cycle is tied to my self-esteem etc., then when I release myself from the cycle, I gain my self-esteem. Its probably the self esteem or some other subtle cognitive event that would attract a woman, not because I abstained from the act of orgasm.

Second, sexuality and attraction is a weird and complex thing. Different people are attracted to entirely different kinds of things. Some girls like the "good guy", some like the "bad boy", the "funny guy", "the peckerwood", "the daddy". Its possible that your state of mind would attract a certain type of person for whatever reason.

I can understand the pushing away thing though, I seem to push away certain women, but Im starting to attract some pretty nice ones too. Im guessing its my self esteem and other things associated with not staying in all day and obsessing. I dont plan to remain single for the rest of my life, but I do want to straighten out my life first before I find a partner. I usually just throw myself into a relationship because of the sex and deal with the disastrous and dramatic fallout later.

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Ive heard of depressed celibates too. Ive also heard of depressed monks. You are right to point out that not all orgasmless men are more attractive by all women. Its a generalization. Thanks for pointing it out, it seems important. I kept thinking it was a magical or mischievous elf playing with these women's brains.

Nice to hear from you

We all are indeed different. January of this year, upon arriving at this site, I chose to stop seeking orgasm. For some reason, for me at that time, it was the key that unlocked my heart.
My dear Isadora now finds herself in uncharted territory and thinks our sex life is weird.
Seek love and peace

another 2 cents worth...

its good to see that there are a variety of viewpoints put forth on this site. Its great to read with a discriminating yet open mind, and decide for oneself, using one's experience.

I have to agree with a bit of both of the above...when I assiduously retain my seed, energy does indeed build, and women seem to notice...but then again, if I am in a positive frame of mind and my eyes radiate loving-kindness, they notice even more, even if I have wildly orgasmed the night before...(however, 'a fool and his wealth (semen) are soon parted'...Grand Organizational Design-principle, please grant me continence!). Wink


I think the phenomenon of becoming more attractive to women when refraining from orgasm comes from an inner relaxation where the man will not be seeing the women as sex objects but as human beings. When he's not draining himself, he becomes more vibrant. Probably the tantric guy with the weird energy just had weird energy. Some people are just weird! But he might've been even weirder if he wasn't conserving his seed.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if not orgasming results in positive mental/emotional/energetic shifts, women may pick up on it. If those shifts don't occur or other things are going on to counter-act them, then the mere fact of being non-orgasmic isn't going to help.

A man's sexual energy can be either attractive or creepy. Lack of energy isn't attractive at all, though. So by becoming non-orgasmic, both the creepy factor is reduced (less predatorial, more loving / less needy, more free and relaxed) and the energy is increased.

Just my 2 cents! :)

Hi Lolita

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you may have misunderstood the premise of the site a bit. The idea is that intimacy is really healthy...including intercourse...but that orgasm does have a neurochemical cycle built into it. The lows can drive a search for highs...and decreased interest in relaxed affection for its own sake. It's a big loss when that happens, because daily affection is what bonds couples best.

Also I'm wondering if you're taking into account the temporary honeymoon high that wears off within two years. If you're measuring the juiciness of any relationship during that time, you are getting a false reading of sorts. During that time, we're operating on a neurochemical booster shot. When it wears off, things often go flat. This is biology's signal for moving us on to new mates. We often try to counter this flatness with hotter sex, but that actually increases sexual satiety...and ultimately tends to backfire. That's when a practice like karezza can really make a difference, and promote lasting harmony.

Would your partner be open to trying three weeks of Ecstatic Exchanges? You can always push for hot sex again later.