I 've never mentioned anything that I am writing here to another living human being.
I have a loving wife and a couple of great childeren. I work hard to provide for my family and I keep busy doing charity work and continued education. I am also an abuser of porn for the better part of my teen through adult life. I masterbate maybe one to two times a night and look at porn on the internet whenever I have a chance. My greatest fear is the anxiety of being discovered and what my family and friends will think of me. I constantly worry about getting brought up on some kind of charges (maybe stumbling across a site I shouldn't even though I actively try not to, but with so many popups and varied content on a site, who knows what you will get) or someone walking in on me at the wrong time. I have masterbated in public bathrooms and but never have been caught. I've tried to stop more than a few times as I want to lead a clean life with no secrets, but I keep getting drawn back in for whatever reason. I feel like such a hypocrite as some of the things I claim to be morally above, I feel that I am guilty of. I struggle with telling my wife even though I am fairly confident she will understand. I truly do no want to hurt her, as she is the love of my life. I also can not stand the thought of her looking at me differently, which I think she will regardless of what she says. I also worry about affecting our relationship because of the effect it will have on my kids as I believe that kids are smarter than people give them credit for and they can sense when there are problems. Is it possible to recover on my own without assistance from anyone who knows me? Is this even a healthy way to do it? What steps should I take? I feel so ashamed. How can I ever look at myself in the mirror?