i'm hadenough, and i have a sexual addiction. it has been 5 days since i last masturbated.
i guess i'll start at the beginning, and really truly hope this is anon.
my sexual experiences began at age 9 with an older girl. she was the instigator (though to be fair, no doubt just very curious herself about sex). from that, i began having dry orgasms on a regular basis, and then fully masturbating from about age 11. i'd jerk off many times in a row in bed, pretty much most every night, using my imagination in ways that i guess only an inexperienced boy could.
at around 18 the internet arrived and my masturbation moved from my bed to in front of the computer, having cyber sex and looking at porn. my first "girlfriend" was a girl on the other side of the world, and i spent hours and hours cybering with her.
for me, much as the porn is a big part of it, so is the words... the mental image as well as the visual image.
when i finally met a real girl, even when we were "at it like rabbits", i would still use the Net to jerk off, even basically right after having had sex (not with her knowledge). the pictures and topics that i have been exposed to over the years have lead to a lot of unrealistic expectations in my relationship. although we are still together after 11 years, i struggle to give her my sexual attention because my mind would rather be online in a fantasy, rather than with her. this is complicated further because she, by her own admission, could "do without sex"; only really being interested once a month at best.
when i have tried in the past to give the masturbation up, i haven't told her... i then unfairly get annoyed when she spurns my advances, wondering why she is turning me down when i have given up jerking off in the hope of being more interested in her. (and as an aside, no, even this time i have not told her what i am doing... which i know i should... but one thing at a time)
i calculate that i've probably masturbated at least 15,000 times in my life. in the past 12 months i've only had sex/made love 12 times. at this point in time, i can't imagine not having the release of the 450 or so (at least 1 per night, and sometimes in the morning) self-handled orgasms that i currently enjoy each year.
i say "enjoy"... but of course more often than not once the orgasm has been, i am hating myself for having spent SO much time working up to it, and talking about/looking at such filth... (feel like i should be on Dr Phil with words like that). i would easily spend 2 hours every night chatting/looking at porn before having an orgasm. that's 14 hours a week, minimum. i have so many things that i could and should be using that time for.
as i said at the start... i am 5 days without masturbation... i'm actually only 3 days without orgasm, as i made love to my wife on day 2... i am here on this site now because i've been finding it hard tonight especially to stop myself... so at least by sitting here for the past hour reading posts and writing this, i can now go to bed and count tomorrow as day 6 pornless...
i have found the reading here very useful and vindicating... over the past few weeks i've looked at sites such as Alcoholics/Sexaholics Anon... looking at the 12 step methodologies... (though finding them too god-fearing to be "me").
this is somewhat stream of thought, if you hadn't already noticed... so before i close, i just wanted to add - i have an obsessive nature... ie obsessive compulsive... whilst i've never thought to say that i HAVE ocd per se, i guess having a sexual addiction could indeed be labelled an obsessive compulsive disorder. to elaborate, for what it's worth perhaps to others here who may have the same nature - i clean my ears with q-tips twice a day... i put my shoes and socks on in a particular order... i always order the same food at restaurants... i avoid cracks in the pavement... i shave a particular way, shower a particular way, and obsess about television shows beyond normal fanship... i get obsessed with things, wanting to do them the right way... i just hope i can turn that compulsive nature now towards compulsively overcoming my addiction.
hope i haven't bored you all silly (those that got to the end) and that i've posted this in the right spot...