How much porn is too much

Submitted by scorpio64 on
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My boyfriend{supposedly} has given up porn for 5 days. He is interested in the theories here and "gets" about the dopamine"high"...but he has trouble admitting that it's necessarily a bad thing. He's a very controlled and regimented person. He finally admitted he masturbates 3/4 times a week{I suspect more} to porn and he says "my life isn't falling apart' like a lot of those men. He said I have control over it and I could stop whenever I want so I'm not addicted. I said "saying" you could stop whenever you want and actually stopping for long periods of time are two different things. If a man is masturbating 3/4 days a week...has trouble getting much pleasure from bonding type sex has admitted that he particularily gets off on woman getting anal and has fetishes like obscenely large breasts{I'm a d-cup} and he doesn't think that is large enough...don't you think that is all evidence that has re-wired his brain through this stuff. Even though he has obstained from porn we had sex the other night and both orgasmed. He has trouble not giving me an orgasm...he's very goal directed in bed{and good at it}...I actually think that is one of the things he's confident about ...being "good in bed" and he doesn't want to give it up. I told him I only want bonding behavior for awhile and he agreed but I think it will be a struggle...his ego is tyed up in it and he's in denial that he has a porn addiction...is 3/4 days a week an addiction?

My experience

From my experience would say that he is probably not addicted to p/m. I had the same p/m frequency. Maybe abit more. But I dont have any problem quitting for a long period if I decide.

But anyway watching porn and masturbate will not be good for the relationship. So he better take a rest from the porn

The proof is in the pudding

Challange him to a month of no porn. See how it goes. For a quick test (somebody please tell us where it is) see how he does with the "Don't click on this picture" porn test. Looking at his response to that could be very revealing.
Put some nice reward at the end (vacation, a weekend of sex.... my wife is large busted, if she promised me she would wear a bustier and panties around the house for a weekend, I would be highly motivated....and not very sober).
Be the most loving and supportive person you can muster...find your inner Marnia/Pollyanna/Florence Nightingale/Mother Teresa
Porn definately skewed my perception of my wife and expectations of our relationship in ways I didn't realize until I stopped seeking orgasm.
The most fun would be to do Marnia's 3 week program from Cupid's Poisoned Arrow
Being good in bed was a point of deep pride, sitting at the core of my self definition. We still haven't figured out how to do karezza, so now I'm lousy in bed.
This is a spiritual journey for me....one lesson after another about non-attachment and letting go.
Anal sex and porn are "forbidden" in our cultural unconscious and that adds an appeal. The extra excitement going for the Taboo will have to be looked at, too.
I wish you success and happiness

Here it is

http://www.cracked.com/article_15725_10-steps-porn-addiction-where-are-y...

I'm not sure there is a universal safe amount of porn, simply because everyone's reward circuitry is different, and some are more susceptible to getting hooked than others. Also, repeated use wires the brain more and more strongly, and eventually people who weren't hooked can become hooked. Most drug users, for example, aren't addicts immediately. Their brains have to change so that their willpower is overtaken.

I read a funny expression not long ago, which comes from AA. When asked "When does a drinker become an alcoholic?" the AA reply is, "When does a cucumber become a pickle?" Wink Same with porn.

I'm glad you're deepening your understanding and looking at the porn situation with new clarity. The desire for change obviously has to come from him, but at least by understanding what's going on, we goddesses can stay somewhat calm and encouraging.

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, so be patient. (If you're open to guidance, try the oracle: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/inner_wisdom_oracle )

I like that

[quote=Marnia]The desire for change obviously has to come from him, but at least by understanding what's going on, we goddesses can stay somewhat calm and encouraging.[/quote]I guess that logically speaking, that makes us blokes 'gods'. Wink

Please tell me

where I can get one of those 'froggy suits', sounds like it would be great for a kids' birthday party. [blinzel]

But I must inform you, my dear Marnia, that if women are automatically referred to as 'goddesses' here without having mastered their addiction to orgasm, with no further qualification than simply being female, then we blokes are not 'frogs' who need to master our addiction to orgasm in order to then be called 'princes' or 'gods'...we are goddamn gods from the start. Wink

Yes, indeed

Yes, indeed, River, all men are gods from the start :) :) :) .

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you }:)

I would confirm that I had

I would confirm that I had no idea I was addicted to porn till It was way too late. Now fighting with it. Really did not think it was a problem till I tried to stop viewing it. That will wake you up fast trying to stop something and not being able to at first. Kind of scares the crap out of you.

Hi scorpio64

You say he's supposedly given up porn for 5 days, and that you suspect that he masturbates more than he admits... if you suspect he's not being honest about these things, then I'm guessing he is probably more attached to porn and masturbation then he's letting on.

I've talked in the past to my wife that I masturbate, but I always under-exaggerated (is that a word?!) how often I did it... embarrassed I guess.

The best way to tell if you're hooked is to try giving up... if he can go without porn for a month then fair enough, but until he tries he may not know how hooked he is himself.

Wishing you both well,
time_for_change

identity

From what you are describing, it sounds like he has alot of his identity invested in being good in bed.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you }:)

How much porn is to much ?

How much porn is to much ? One image is too much. I do not think porn is healthy or useful in anyway. I did not think this way for a long time. I used as much as anyone. Now though I see it for what it is. So now I believe in no porn. That is the only way to go. Absolutely no porn of any kind. That means anything you would use as porn. Even if it is just slide show of women. If you are using those images to spike dopamine to get aroused then it is the same as hardcore porn. I used images that way.

I just do not think any amount of porn is healthy. I know how I started and where I ended up and where I am at now. He may not be "addicted" now. Even if that is true for now it will not always be true. He will be addicted at some point. It is just a matter of time.

As others have said he is going to need support to quit using it. Attacking someone with an addiction will probably just sink them deeper into the addiction. Not meaning to accept the addiction. Just helpful understanding support will be needed. Cause if he is already addicted it is going to take time and effort for him to quit using it. It can be done and quitting is rewarding. It is just that it can be difficult to quit using.

some of my thoughts on porn.
Be Safe

I'm in agreement with the

I'm in agreement with the majority here. The frequency isn't what matters. It depends on the person. I know people who are addicted to smoking but they only have 1-3 smokes a day.

As well, he may be able to go without for long periods of time. But what happens if he's stressed and starts using it for that reason? Soon his learned behaviors, neuroplasticity, etc. will change. Porn is just like any other drug and should be approached with caution.

Being good in bed versus being happy

I have noticed that most men (in my experience, at least) have more concerns about being 'good in bed' than in making his partner happy/ participating in his partner happyness.

At some point of my life I decided that being happy and content was more important than episodic extreme experience which seen from today seems questionable anyway.

therefore, I think the classical frase after sex should be: are you feeling happy?

of course nobody needs to ask this when it is so self-evident. :)

Creepycreature

Excellent!

[quote]are you feeling happy?[/quote]
Thank you.
I've always thought if she had an orgasm, all was good. Now that we're not doing that so much, I'm often wondering "what are we doing?" "what just happened?"

3 or 4 tmes a days - what's the diffrence

Hi scorpio64

To be honest I'd say its worthless wondering if 3 or 4 times a week is an addiction already, since You never know if '3/4 times' is a real story... I used to lie to my partner about the frequency I don't know why but sometimes its so hard to tell the truth...

The most important thing in here is what Marnia said: 'The desire for change obviously has to come from him'. U can not change him unless he wake up one day and decide to start thinkin' about it seriously...

The other story is about our /men/ ego, we enjoy being perceived as great lovers and sometimes we think of our sex being satisfying to such a huge extend /happened to me/ that we forget to meke a real love...

Anyway fingers crossed for U