About the many incoherances or dragging on or moving along to random topics its what i do now...
oh I am a Porn watching sex and masturbating addicted person... there i said it. I know it was the time where i had the most stress that started this for me. Since i was almost 10 when my parents fought and separated and only later realized what they did wrong it... yah thanx dad i found all your magazines...... and now its even more severe after my father passed away at 12 1/2 Ive had a sex addiction its just over 7 years now and its been everyday Only reason i can really say this is because its takin people/society entirely to long to reaIize these things well the whole sex addiction and really its societies creation and the fact its embarassing especially with social standards. I cant stand more than 12 hours without some outlet. Sex was a big thing too i mean i think i felt some guilt already and being with woman made it all the worse maybe things like thinking of having a child prematurely or getting sick was a big factor or the fact i dont think anymore im bound to make a mistake and ive made alot, i couldnt really have a meaningful relationship well beyond sex.
My father died of a heart attack at age 49 about october 19, 2005 - I thought id say something about him. He grew up in a foster family that apparently was abusive his father died of a heart at age 40 but only after leaving him as a child and starting a new family and his mother couldnt take care of him so he was locked in this and he developed a drug problem and finally found himself stealing to support it ended up in jail had a major car accident causing major lacerations to his neck requiring a blood transfusion and with this and now hepatitis C and heart problems from such a lifestyle he had 3 heart attacks ending on the third nobody is stronger than that especially that he changed in the end but he couldnt change more i cant lead a life like that it would kill me to have a son i couldnt take care of or lead his life like i have its just too much.
You see it was like guilt or something I had too. but it was clear too i am like my father and i bet with possiblity in him passing along genetics i got the whole 50% as he does. Were both very similiar big guys too i guess or at least were we had a problem with weight loss and i knew he had the same problem ontop of drugs and all that he had it much worse.
The hard part with this is the severity to which it deters ones health, things are fine now its been like my body has completely adjusted i had many symptoms but were never too bad i know depression was big thing but it was the changing and the fact nobody in my life was any the wiser. Ive looked alot into it and it is so much better to stop but i suppose id have to make the choice. I already had an extremely active metabolism and relatively high levels of testosterone and i think that kept me going through because of my diet Oh and im dutch! but it is balance thats key this has destroyed alot i know for one i had to quit school and sports to keep my health and eat and eat with balanced diet but its still not good for one the hormones created in orgasm especially epinephrine in the blood causes high blood pressure on top of my already so called naturally high blood pressure like my Dad and its also what im addicted to and I wanted to end my life with a overdose was really stupid really but thats what this does it clouds the mind and i dont think quite as fast and my thoughts are more incoherant. Im slower but heey none of my friends or teachers could ever solve some more complex algebraic expressions in their heads i remember finding all the consecutive integers even being stupid =/ whatever this does to brain chemistry it effects memory but id guess any environmental factors do so.
Anyway nice to see people are doing well with these things and are finding a way out of this its really terrible and finding balance, after 7 years everyday 1-5 times consecutive occurences of my own guilt i think im too used to this to stop. I used to think all this was stuff was immaterial to my life but your experiences do keep me going I can relate to this stuff,