My boyfriend is rationalizing why he went back to MB

Submitted by scorpio64 on
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My boyfriend lasted about 8 days on the no mb. He admitted to me that he did it because he was frustrated about something and it was a little tension release. I said that is part of the cycle of addiction...that you "need" to do it for any or every reason. Is that accurate or not?? He's having trouble getting rid of this traditional view of mb and male sexuality in general..he keeps saying if it feels good why not...I'm not addicted..look I went 8 days..what is the answer to this?

Good Job

8 days is an awesome start and he has the ability to see why he went back to it (frustration and release)...this guy is great!
Yes, going for the orgasm was my way of coping with all the stress in my life. I had a hammer and all of my problems became nails....not a very creative way to deal with life.
Speaking of of the best benefits of me not seeking O has been a truer, more real, and less (way less) dramatic relationship con mi esposa. The Relationship has been THE biggest stressor in my life (now that our daugthers are past adolescence).
The key for me giving up masturbation was to first give up my quest for orgasm. Then jacking off had no point.
Is he using porn?
Traditional male sexuality is: get hard and cum as often, and with as many partners, as you can. It feels good. But it's not a very good foundation for a lasting, loving, supportive, safe, and growing relationship.
Do you need to answer his argument?
Are you guys doing the bonding behaviors? karezza? Wanking feels good, what's in it for him to stop? The pay-offs for me were less guilt, not trying to hide a secret, stopped using pornography that is so harmful to us all, and a clearer relationship with my wife.

There are two answers

The most important one is just what AC said, "Thanks for making the experiment, Sweetheart. I really appreciate it." Truly, it requires a very noble effort to experiment with changing behavior that the mainstream believes is harmless (and which most of us *can't* see the harm in until we pass it up for a few weeks...and then go back to it and compare).

The changes after orgasm are subtle. (Gary and I orgasmed happily for years without making the connection, and I suspect that's true of most people.) The neurochemical changes may have effects on perception, choices, priorities and behavior, which are not obvious. The bad news is that they can continue for about two weeks in many. So while 8 days is a brilliant start, it means he wasn't necessarily clear of the cycle. There's a lot of science in our book that he might find persuasive (although not necessarily right now Wink ).

so, think about how you would want to be treated in his position - believing what he currently believes. Make it easy for him to experiment, by not shaming or blaming when his experiments end.

And meanwhile, feel free to vent here. Smile It can be very frustrating when you sense there's another approach that might benefit you both, and you can't (yet) get a partner to try it. The good news is that the men who are slow to change sometimes make more thorough changes when they *do* change direction.

In any case, he ultimately has to do it because he sees the benefits himself. And it may take him a while to reach that conclusion. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

*big hug*

scorpio64 wrote:My boyfriend

[quote=scorpio64]My boyfriend lasted about 8 days on the no mb. He admitted to me that he did it because he was frustrated about something and it was a little tension release. I said that is part of the cycle of addiction...that you "need" to do it for any or every reason. Is that accurate or not?? He's having trouble getting rid of this traditional view of mb and male sexuality in general..he keeps saying if it feels good why not...I'm not addicted..look I went 8 days..what is the answer to this?[/quote]

I don't think he is necessarily addicted. Maybe to some degree, but if he can go 8 days without it, he has me beat by a mile. What I would call an addiction is when you have little to no control over stopping it. I have gone that long without it before, but its been a while, and the last few attempts bombed within two days.

But I also wouldn't think of an addiction as an on/off thing. More of a continuum. And we do need a lot of things, like food. By our definition, we are highly addicted to food. We eat up to three times a day in most cases! But just because our bodies want food, in and of itself, doesn't mean feeding it is an addiction. But, part of fasting is to show you have control over the desire to eat, that it doesn't control you. But we surely can't do total abstinence short of some miracle. At some point we have to feed ourselves to stay alive.

So it seems a little off in the gray area to say he is addicted. Maybe he is, normally. The feeling the need to at that point becomes part of the hangover go get through. But that he could control that need for 8 days says something. I says he has more control over it than I do right now.

So I'd praise him for that. But if he wants to really finish the experiment and find out for himself if there is any benefit, it appears he'd need to go past 3 weeks. Then note how he feels, how your relationship is going, etc. Then maybe at four weeks once that's established, allow himself to have orgasm and see how he feels then, how it affects him. If you put it in the terms of an experiment, to prove or disprove for himself the science behind the book, then this simply means he wasn't able to finish the experiment. So praise him for making it as far as he did, and perhaps he'll want to give it another try. Because, if he never tries it, he'll never know.

That's where I'm at with it. I want to work my way up to doing that mentally, so I can find out for myself how it will affect me.

Don't know if this will

Don't know if this will help, but I'll just put my own experience out there.

Many guys I know would consider 8 days without mb nearly impossible. When I was younger, in my teenage years, mb was just assumed to be a daily thing, not even noteworthy, sort of like brushing your teeth.

In any case, as I got older and sex became rather de-mystified, mb lost most of its interest for me. I suppose I'm unusual. In any case, what struck me about the original post from scorpio64 was what the man said about it releasing tension. I very rarely mb--I don't keep track, but at most I'd say I do it once every 2 months. But when I do it it really has not much to do with sexual desire, if that makes any sense. Usually it's because I'm stressing about something rather severely, and I just do it to take my mind off of what's bothering me, in full recognition that it's only momentary. The bigger benefit is that it makes me tired and I feel kind of dead afterwards--not a feeling I long to have all the time, obviously, but it serves its purpose as a stress reliever.

I guess if anything can be gleaned from my experience, unusual as it may or may not be, is that I can pretty confidently say I'm not addicted to it. On the other hand, 8 days is nothing to me. Indeed, if my girlfriend told me to stop it entirely I really wouldn't have any problem with that.

Another poster asked if he used porn, which is probably a key question. I've never used porn, because as I noted above, it really is only tangentially related to sex for me. It feels good for a moment then leaves me too tired to feel terribly stressed--I don't attach more to it than that. Actually, this is the first time I've thought about it at all.

Geez, this must sound bizarre. I probably wouldn't take what I've said as the norm, but I figured I'd just offer up my experience anyway. Most guys I think don't really consider it in terms of addiction, at least not until it becomes a problem. It's just something they've always done, again like showering and brushing their teeth. At least, that's the level of thought that goes into it. In a sense, it just sort of "happens."

Thanks for sharing your

experience. I'm not sure it would be all that bizarre, were we in a different sexual climate as a culture. Maybe you just do a better job of steering around all the jiggling lures. Smile

In any case, I hope you'll share more of your experience. What brought you to this strange little corner of the web? Blog if you like.

Hi Marnia, Well, I received

Hi Marnia,

Well, I received an invitation after disclosing a problem I was having. I read your blog, so I feel comfortable with the "coordinates", I guess, of the discussions going on here.

Also, after suffering my first somewhat traumatizing problem related to sex, the problems you analyze in your work and the problems I saw disclosed by the members of this site were no longer theoretical to me. I sympathize with them, and as they may help me by, at the very least, showing me I'm not alone, I felt like I should return the gesture and offer my own experience and thoughts.

I also thought it might be of some use to have me around here, since my problems are actually nearer to the problems women experience with their mb/porn-using men.

thanks for welcoming me here, and thanks for starting this wonderful site.

I think it is normal to MB

I think it is normal to MB to relieve tension. This the biggest reason for my personal hiatus. I was doing it to much to relieve stress rather than out of sex drive. I am trying to work on stress relief that has longer lasting impacts (better eating, exercise, better relationships). It is too easy for me to rely on MB as coping habit and not more healthy methods. I was using MB to sleep and my wife misinterpreted this as a passive aggressive attempt to guilt her into sex. Plus, I would fall asleep easily but have disordered sleep and wake up frequently. I have a lot of stress in my life which is getting better with better habits.