Experimentation due to Pregnancy

Submitted by skeptic on
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My wife and I are in our mid-30's. I have made it to day 14 without an "O", which I haven't done since college. I am right around a new record, and I don't know how it will effect me. A combination of my wife not having much of a drive due to pregnancy, 2 kids, and being on vacation have a lot to do with this. Some of the anxiety and hyper feelings of the first few days have worn off. We did a lot of extreme cuddling on vacation, which made me very frustrated and excited at the same time---we spent hours in bed. It was tough to calm down at times.

She's developed a dislike of me pleasuring myself over the past few years. She's discussed this with her therapist. She won't forbid me because she thinks that would be unfair, as her sex drive is way in the ground due to pregnancy. I told her that she can be unfair, because she is pregnant. Last night, we committed to the idea that I should not have an "O" until her own sex drive returns, which could be weeks (she is 33 weeks gestation). I am nervous about slipping up and starting over after 14 days. I am also concerned that the excitement will fade, and I won't get much from waiting.

I have been looking at this website and have a few questions:

Is there really a 2 week hangover? If so, I have been hungover for almost my whole adult life---as with most men. I am curious about what is supposed to happen after the two week hump.

It seems like there are a lot more men than women on this website. Is having a partner who doesn't orgasm something that appeals to women? It hasn't appealed to my wife most of the time.

How does the female orgasm fit into evolutionary biology? Women can reproduce with or without an orgasm. Isn't the cycle for men and women different? My wife has a hard time orgasming due to medication, breast feeding, etc. My wife having a tough time is a given, so a focus on me abstaining can make me feel like I am being too phallocentric.

Along those lines, I first became interested in this subject due to various websites that deal with orgasm denial, chastity, etc., which is a very male oriented fetish. I realize that this is NOT the focus here, but I wonder if their are some guys out there who use some of the ideas here to dress up some fascinations that might otherwise seem dirty. I have seen a reference or two to some of the websites I am talking about.

Is some of this all about giving women the cuddly stuff they want so men don't have to feel guilty about certain fetishes they have? Is some of this about not "pressuring" women?

Sorry if I am all over the place. I am new. This is exciting stuff, but I am also nervous about it.

That's a lot of questions!

First, I've enabled you to blog, in case you want to share your journey.

You sound like a kindhearted husband and dad. Thanks for your courage in trying such an unfamiliar idea.

Cuddling is great. We find that the way we feel afterward depends quite a bit on whether we stay in "mutual giving" mode, or whether we use the cuddling more like foreplay. The latter can leave us hungrier than ever. The former seems to leave us feeling "well fed." It's a bit weird, because the body "tells" you that you'll feel better if you get closer to the edge. But when you get out of bed, the reverse is true. Smile

Don't worry about slipping up, because sooner or later it will happen. Wink The key is to try several weeks of bonding behaviors (hopefully with some gentle intercourse in that third week), and then notice whatever you notice when orgasm shows up again. That way you can see what (if any) effects this approach has on you...and chart your course accordingly.

There is some research supporting the existence of the hangover, and a fair amount of anecdotal evidence. It's all laid out in our book. (Here's Chapter 1: http://www.reuniting.info/cupids_poisoned_arrow_chapter_1). But you can get a glimpse of it in these two articles, too:

Orgasm's Hidden Cycle

The Passion Cycle

You might also find this man's personal experiences, from earlier this week, interesting. (Scroll to the bottom of the article.) http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect_2009

For us, the strongest evidence that there is more to orgasm than the good feelings of climax is the existence of traditions from all over the globe that suggest sexual self-control improves harmony, reduces cravings and even improves health. Hopefully, as researchers begin to look more at what happens over the days following orgasm, the truth will become evident. (Right now, they focus on researching arousal and climax, and most ignore the differences between masturbation and intercourse with a partner.)

As a woman, my thought is that we women are "programmed" to want to draw those sperm out of you guys as enthusiastically as possible. Smile So it's not surprising that this idea doesn't instantly appeal to your wife. That said, the whole premise of this site is that we're making a lot of choices in the bedroom based on our subconscious instincts, and that we'd see improvements in our long-term relationships if we chose a different balance of cues (signals) to our subconscious, primitive brain parts. (i.e., more bonding behaviors, fewer orgasms).

I found your remarks about the withholding fetish interesting. Maybe others will have some thoughts. I guess I feel like the bonding behaviors are really designed to be an exercise in mutual giving, rather than a way to jack up dopamine for the thrills. So if you're using them for the latter, I'm not sure if they'd really affect your nervous systems like true bonding behaviors.

In other words, you're in uncharted waters, so keep us posted on your experiences. Smile

Actually, the concept on this site first came to my attention in a book written by men, for men. Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia. He described an experience of partners melting together, which could more easily be attained by intercourse without orgasm. He also talks a lot about the benefits to men of cutting back on semen loss.

I was intrigued, and, as recounted in my book, began exploring the ideas. The whole picture gradually shifted. (See, for example, http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/neotaoism_and_karezza). Ultimately, with the help of my husband, I realized the benefits of intercourse without orgasm were probably largely do to brain chemistry equilibrium...and had little to do with semen itself. I say that because I noticed them in myself, too!

I would say this material is about not pressuring *either* partner. In some relationships, it's the man who wants more space, and the woman who is more eager, so stereotypes just don't hold up in the bedroom.

Looking forward to your further thoughts.

sorry about so many questions

actually, my wife is more enthusiastic about some of these ideas right now, given her condition. at other points of our relationship, she has been more reassured about my attraction to her when I have an "o". Right now, she enjoys not feeling pressured to make this happen. i think she thinks i am more attentive and patient right now. it is also something new right now.

i don't think there is going to be intercourse until after the baby comes. her drive is low, she feels bad physically, and she is uncomfortable. i guess some of my anxiety comes from feeling like we are really connected---am i doing this right now as a substitute for other practices? am i hypersexual right now when her feelings might be more platonic?

as for the fetish, i get a rush out of giving right now, frankly. my drive is definately up. she feels so bad right now, there are few things i can do to make her feel better, and cuddling seems to be one of them, which turns out to be very sexual to me, maybe not so sexual for her, but she enjoys it. is it bad if i get a thrill out of that? i worry about annoying her.