I AM going to beat this!

Submitted by introuble on
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I have serious issues and need help. I am constantly fantasizing about my mother-in-law, even though I have a beautiful wife.
I constantly MB over images of her, I've made photoshop images of her, and even posted pics of her on sex forums (I usually delete them a few minutes later) - even resorting to posting her pics on webcam users, and watch them M, pretending I am her. I always feel terrible afterwards. What the hell is wrong with me?

This problem has been with me for years. I used to MB over pics of my aunt when I was younger, but that was all. Since the internet has surfaced, I am now one of these internet porn addicts - but the difference is it all usually revolves around my mother-in-law. I tried kicking the habit recently, for about 2 weeks. It was fairly easy to do because I was working away from home, and there are no pics of her anywhere. But soon as I came home, I know there are pics of her stored on the home PC - and the resistance is too much. Within a couple of days I'm at it again. I am addicted and need to kill this nasty addiction I have. It is like porn addiction, only 10 times worse. And I dare not share any of this with my wife. Coming clean about being addicted to porn is one thing, coming clean about this is something else entirely.

I have a successful job, successful marriage, yet I resort to behaving like this behind closed doors. It is making me ill, because I want to feel normal again, and not have thse horrible thoughts in my head. And I have the usual side effects that porn addicts have - tired, sleepless nights, hard to show emotions, etc.

I doubt anyone else has this problem like I have, or do they? If someone has any ideas how I can overcome this, I'm all ears.

Addiction

I wouldnt beat yourself up over this because it seems unusual. With any addiction to anything no matter what it is, we can carry shame. If something you do is bringing chaos, guilt, and lack of control into your life, you have to take the steps to overcome what is bringing you down. Have you considered a sex addicts group? SLAA and SAA have groups in most cities and the support there can help when you are having trouble. Its a tough thing to kick alone. Its not unusual to develop different fetishes, were all wired a differently and when you throw technology into the mix, you can get fetishes that seem different. Its not though, its just our head, and when you consider the effects of any addiction have on a person, it can get pretty stressful. A lot of us here have been through some scary times when our sanity has been questioned. Hang in there. Youre not permanently screwed, youve already made the first step by ratting yourself out to safe people and seeking help.

-The orgasm you achieve from this is rewarding. The first thing you want to do is sever the connection between that act and orgasm. Orgasm is a super powerful reward in your brain. Its very easy to get addicted to the things you hold in your mind at the moment of orgasm.

-Spend less time alone. Being around people is good for any addiction. Develop and nurture real intimacy with your wife. It will naturally improve with your recovery, but making some efforts as suggested on this site will help you ease out of your addiction.

Good luck man, its a rough road, but life will be better again. We just get stuck sometimes.

Self beating!

I'd have to second Jrsun76 on this. The first thing is to just give yourself a little slack... I recently read an article where sex researchers say that people fantasize about all sorts of forbidden things - including incest; apparently it's quite common. I'm not saying it's right or good, I'm just saying that you're not alone, and I don't think you're particularly abnormal.

In my opinion, the self-hatred you feel after you fantasize about your step-mom probably contributes to the problem. It's sounds like such an 'intense' feeling. If you can deflate it a bit, it will probably help. A thought like this might help: "...well, this is me right now... I fantasize about my step-mother... it sucks, but that's just how it goes. I believe it can change..."

The method or mental-technology to change associations similar to the one that you have is being developed/discovered/re-discovered on this site.

So take heart, and give yourself a bit of TLC.

-Halo

I will if you will.

Sounds like one thing you can do is to delete all those pictures of her that you have. That should help remove some temptation.

But it can be hard, I know. I have a stash of porn on my hard drive, and I know I need to get rid of it. Stuff I've collected over the last several years that I liked. Even thinking about it makes me feel a loss, even though I've made a commitment not to look at them again.

So, if you report (be honest!) that you've deleted all your pictures, I'll go delete my vids. Then we can both be in the same boat together. I know if I don't delete them, at some point down the line, I will be tempted by them.

Deal? :)

Thanks for the comments -

Thanks for the comments - much appreciated. I have started reading more about porn internet addiction over the past few weeks, and even joined a forum to start logging the days of being cold turkey. I actually went 13 days without MB, but slipped up when I came back home to the PC with images of my mother-in-law. The pathetic thing is, they are not even sexual images either. The most is her in a bikini.

The problem is, I can't delete them, as they are all permanent family albums (weddings, holidays, etc.) If I suddenly removed all my wifes mothers images, she would be upset, and would then want to know why.

I have deleted all porn images and videos though - something which is part of the addiction. And I know this is habitual in my brain, I just need to rewire and reprogramme it. When I had the 2 weeks of no MB, I did start to notice the change in me. My personality became more confident, and I started to feel human again. I never thought I could be addicted to something like this - but after reading websites like this recently, I realise I am not alone - which is comforting to know - and this is a bigger problem/illness than I first realised.

Luckily I am going away with work again for about 6 weeks, where I won't have access to these images. This is my plan for starting the recovery. If I can last the 6 weeks without MB, then maybe I can break this addiction.

Images

Ah, so they aren't your own private stash. In one way, that's good--I feared if your wife ever found them on your computer, you'd be stuck explaining why you had all this pictures of her mother in a separate directory. But in terms of accessibility, bad.

But it is like masturbation itself. You carry it with you everywhere you go, so no one can easily get away from it, short of cutting it off (for guys). And some people have done that in the past, but I would definitely NOT recommend doing that.

Why? Because short cuts rarely work. The real issue is self-control, to overcome the addiction. So while getting rid of the pictures would make it easier, it isn't the primary problem you have to deal with. Which is really rewiring your brain, expectations, etc.

If you can use this 6 week period to ween yourself off and gain control, then make a firm commitment to avoid it, because if you can successfully withhold during the 6 weeks, you may find that you like that better overall.

Meanwhile, I still need to get rid of mine. Not that they are a temptation now, but they may be in the future. That said, I can easily get stuff off the internet anytime I want, unfortunately. So I'm really trying to learn control first.

In that department, we're in the same boat. More power to ya.

Cole,

I had to smile when you explained that "short cuts never work," right after recommended not cutting of one's penis. Smile

oh...

I thought "hey that's such an intelligent joke" and it made me laugh, too, some days ago!!

Let's say it was your underlying subconscious 180 IQ that did it ... subintentionally...

If there was anyway you

If there was anyway you could make multiple users and put the images under a user name that was passworded and private that might work. I know it would be near impossible to pull that off though. Would be hard to try to explain passwords and why you did not want to know say your wife's password. Not sure that would all work. It is the only thing I can think of to help with those images.

You could also try the excuse of putting them on back up media. External drive or disk which would be kept somewhere not easily at hand.

Not sure just trying to come up with ideas to get the images off the main drive and comp or make it harder to access them.

I see how difficult it is going to be to get away from those images though.

I hope the 6 weeks helps. Well I know they will.

Wishing you well and good luck
Be Safe
James

Thanks James. The images are

Thanks James.
The images are actually on a seperate hard drive, so it wouldn't be too difficult for me to disconnect it when I'm home, and store it away somewhere.

The problem is, knowing they are still there. Like the smoker who gives up the fags, yet still has one or two lying around in the drawer. You always know they are still there. The addict in me knows they are still there.

Anyway, the blessing in disguise is the 6 weeks I have away from them now. Hopefully this will help set a new pattern of behaviour in my brain, and try some way to reset this bloody addiction, make it less powerful, so when I return home it won't be as much of an issue anymore.

Here's hoping.....

Hi introuble

It does help to get rid of the temptation (the images), but even if you were able to do that, you might find another way or get hooked on something else. The real key is to develop an awareness of your intent to view and tackle the addiction at that point. A good idea that's often quoted here is to have other rewarding activities that you can turn to the moment you feel the urge rising... things like reading, going for a walk, playing a musical instrument (if you do), drawing.. anything really that you enjoy that doesn't involve a computer.

Sounds like these 6 weeks are a great opportunity to try and break the connection.

When I first started trying to abstain from p/m, I found even very benign images here on reuniting stimulating... would find myself drawn into them and starting to fantasize before I realised what was happening. Now I've abstained for a long period, it's simply not an issue any more - hopefully this can happen with you too.

Good luck,
time_for_change

Hi and welcome

Blog if you would find it helpful. Sounds like you have a good plan.

Remember, content is irrelevant to the primitive part of the brain. It's just looking for a rush of exciting neurochemicals...and the more "forbidden" or "risky" an image is, the more drug-like (and addictive) the orgasm. Also, the more deeply the brain "remembers" the pathway to that pleasure.

So if it weren't your mother-in-law (BTW, thank you on behalf of us older goddesses Wink ), it would be some other "risky" set of images.

In short, once you realize the trick your brain is playing on you and stop wiring it to the unwanted image, the sooner you can realize there's absolutely no reason for guilt or shame...even though there is a reason to clean up the brain wiring. You're right that this is a much bigger problem than ANY of us thought.

Good luck!

*big hug*

Forbidden fruit

Thanks Marnia for the insight - and the forbidden fruit aspect makes sense.
With regards your comment - `You're right that this is a much bigger problem than ANY of us thought.'

This has me worried. Are you saying my problem is bigger than anything anyone has ever faced before on here??

honest, you're not alone

hello,

although we may not share the same peculiarities to our addiction, the scope of it is the same... reading your original post - it could have been me. plenty of times i've told myself - pah - it's easy to stop, i can do it whenever i go away on holiday/etc. of course, the reality is, as soon as i'd return home, and back to the position of being able to go online and chat/etc, i would...

i've actually stayed away from here for a week or so because i fell again; not helped either probably by not coming on here and at least putting this back into the forefront of my mind... and allowing myself instead to deal and bargain my way back into the old ways.

well done for deleting your porn stash... and yes, it does make it hard not being able to delete the pictures of your mother in law. Perhaps though, you could move all of your family pics over to an external hard drive - tell your wife you're just making room on the computer's drive... so at least then there's that extra step needed for you to look at her pictures...

bye
hadenough

Not good

This is more serious than I realised. I have managed to go 16 days without MB, feeling better than I have done in years, confidence soaring, then suddenly I meet a woman in a bar who is far older than me and reminds me of my Mother-in-law. We exchange numbers, then before you know it the addict in me is craving again. I go off the rails, MB, then this woman calls me up and we arrange to meet at the hotel she is staying.

I wrestled with the idea of going to see her, knowing it is totally wrong, yet somehow thinking if I did spend one night with her, maybe I will get this nasty fetish out of my system once and for all. Anyway, I drove for 4 hours to meet up with her in her hotel, spent the night with her, had sex with her twice, then felt totally empty, degraded, guilty as hell, numb, just awful the next day. I just wanted out of there as quick as I could. She knows I'm married, knows I am away from my wife at the moment, and also knows I had a thing for my MIL. We both knew beforehand it would be a one night affair. The bizarre thing was, the sex wasn't that brilliant either. I actually hated myself the whole time I was with her. I guess I was too wrapped up in underlying guilt to really enjoy doing something like that. Maybe I did need to do this to rid myself of it once and for all.

I just feel awful now. After doing so well with the recovery, and not looking at P or MB, then I meet someone in the flesh to make this problem ten times worse. I thought I was only addicted to MB and P, but now this problem is far more serious. I hope to God I never do anything like this again. I hope what I have now gone through is the final lesson learned for me. I hope this will bring the addiction to a close.

I am back on the wagon again, but this time need to be more vigilant. P and MB is not just the problem anymore. Meeting strange older attractive women is too. I guess I never knew how big the problem was until now.

I've done something I don't believe in doing - cheating! I find anyone who does this despicable, and here I am. I can't believe I've done it!

Right now I am just feeling numb.

It's good that

you shared your experience. That may help to take some of the sting out of it.

As you say, sometimes we need to do something *really* silly before we realize that the part of our brain that screams "DO THIS, and ALL WILL BE WELL!!!" is 180 degrees wrong a lot of the time, especially when it comes to sexual urges.

It helps to understand that this happens because this primitive part of the brain is producing copious quantities of the neurochemical that usually signals us that something is really, really *valuable* (dopamine). In many areas of our lives, such hunches are spot on.

Obviously, when it comes to the activity that (potentially) passes on genes, we really need to listen to those faint signals coming from the front part of the brain. Smile

Don't beat up on yourself. It's fine to feel guilty about making a mistake; just don't feel that you are a bad person, or that your "itch" is hopeless ("shame"). Just treat is as a lesson learned the hard way. There's not one person on this planet who doesn't learn some things that way. Welcome to the club!

In any case, congratulations on testing the no M idea and seeing some benefits...even if your limbic brain got the bit between its teeth.

PS

I don't know the answer to your specific question, but I do know that Gary and I have both remarked on the fact that "one orgasm leads to weakened resolve...and therefore often to another one." So your impulsiveness was quite normal.

there but for the grace of god...

I have very nearly been where you are right now. Two years ago, and then again one year ago, I actually set up a meeting with someone who would have been willing to indulge my fetish/kink/whatever. In both cases, I woke up the day of the scheduled meeting with the intent to go through with the plan. But each time I became terrified, literally shaking, dizzy, light-headed...I was feeling genuine fear, and I was paralyzed. I could not cause my body to get up in order to go to the car. Apparently my fear of adultery exceeded my desire for fetish sex, but there was no way I could have predicted that beforehand. And my experience was similar to yours in another respect--prior to setting up the meetings, I was masturbating excessively to the fantasy/vision of what was about scheduled to happen. Although my wife offered sex, I declined it. I could not sleep, and masturbated instead. I thought it was inevitable that I would go through with what I had arranged, but there was apparently a deeper mental program operating that prevented me from acting. At one point I thought it might be empathy--I wouldn't want my wife to cheat on me, so I shouldn't cheat on her... But that was false, because I actually thought of a condition in which I would want her to cheat: if I could get my fetish indulged for the price of mutual infidelity. In any case, I still cannot positively identify what prevented me from going to either of those meetings. Truthfully, I think it was just luck. The woman with whom I set up the meeting (same one for both) was happy to do what I wanted, but I was not physically attracted to her. It is quite possible that, had she been 'my type', I would have cheated. So, as I entitled the reply: there but for the grace of god go I. The internal struggle that you are experiencing is intense--whether you win (against yourself?) may be ultimately out of your control. For me, that means that circumstances and my psychological profile conspired to prevent the infidelity. If you are more spiritually or religiously inclined, then it might be useful to be receptive of some kind of supernatural intervention. The most important thing in my healing process has been self-forgiveness, and the very act of being here, dealing with the gnarly aspects of your sexual expression, is the first step in the forgiveness process.

May you make much progress.

Sounds like

you've at least learned some lessons from this. If anything, that can be a good experience to take from the bad.

We've all made our mistakes. Not to excuse it, but neither should you beat yourself up over it. Better to focus on the future, how you can use this to make it better. Forgive yourself, and work to not do it again is the best approach. Instead, invest that energy into your wife.

You'll make it if you keep working on it.

I love this site

I'm suddenly feeling in a loved-up mood. I love this site, love you all. I like the fact that we are analysing this addiction through a scientific way, rather than a religious way. Hats off to Marnia.....

I almost slipped last night. 12 days with no masturbation (but still occcassionally browsing porn, sad to say, but pleased to say no arousal anymore while doing it) then recently a couple of days with not browsing porn....then suddenly I pick up a junk email in my MSN, stating I have free access to one of the porn websites from my old days.....I couldn't resist. I took a quick peek, then broswed further. Luckily there was no freebie, but it suddenly switched my brain back into broswing porn gear again. I then went on for about an hour browsing the nasty stuff....dopamines up, heart racing. I even grabbed a tiny image of my mother-in-law from Facebook and was attempting to start photoshopping her in a porn scenario again, but stopped myself. I really thought I had that part of my addiction under control now. Luckily there was no erection though, I'm pleased to report. Part of me kept being repulsed by what I was viewing and doing.

Anyway, I pulled myself together finally, shook myself, got away from the PC and went to bed and slept. I didn't give in to it and result in masturbation, which is what would have happened in the past. So I'm pleased for not giving in, but not so pleased that this thing still has a hold on me, and can quickly switch my brain back into gear again, with something pathetic like a junk mail.

Got to show more control in the future. I'm now on Day Thirteen. This is tough because I've been away from my wife for nearly 6 weeks. The first 2 weeks I kept clean, then I slipped (majorly...stated earlier in this thread), now I've been clean again for nearly 2 weeks. I'm back home this weekend, so hoping being with her again will focus my mind on other things. It has been probably much tougher fighting this totally alone.

Wow you're making much

Wow you're making much progress being able to pull yourself back like that! That's a sign of real strength, you are getting stronger! It's so hard to pull yourself out when you get sucked in like that. Congratulate yourself!

Much patience to you
J

sex in family relationships

Hi dear introuble,
I am very impressed with your battle.

In your story I can see two lines lying one on top of the other, and attention is being paid to the top one only. The top line is a porn addiction and as a girl I have nothing to say about it. But the deeper one concerns - family relationships, their dynamics and influence, often subconscious, on us.

You say that it started with your aunt, then MIL, then a lady similar to her. Motherlike figures, of her age, in her role, and part of the family. This stuff like mother-son and father-daughter complexes etc. is usually so deep that an individual usually cannnot try to clear it up by himself/herself, it needs psychoanalytical councelling. It means methods literally opposite to those ones you need in coping with the addiction issue. For looking openly at your true and real sexual context, which is unique and individual for everyone of us, and precious!, you do not stop, block, avoid it, as you do in stopping the addiction, but on the contrary, you take a deep breath and look fully at yourself as a whole. Shame and guilt are only parts of us that we have not adopted or even noticed yet.

In other words, if it was not porn addiction, it would be something else sexually forbidden connected with/triggered by older female family members. When you beat this addiction, the denied part of your subconciousness might appear in some other form.

Usually, from my own experience, hidden monsters are not that bad when we look in their face. And when you turn the lights on, the shadows disappear. And you will be free, the stage of life will be yours :-).

With love, G.

Thanks

[quote=gaia]Hi dear introuble,
I am very impressed with your battle.

In your story I can see two lines lying one on top of the other, and attention is being paid to the top one only. The top line is a porn addiction and as a girl I have nothing to say about it. But the deeper one concerns - family relationships, their dynamics and influence, often subconscious, on us.

You say that it started with your aunt, then MIL, then a lady similar to her. Motherlike figures, of her age, in her role, and part of the family. This stuff like mother-son and father-daughter complexes etc. is usually so deep that an individual usually cannnot try to clear it up by himself/herself, it needs psychoanalytical councelling. It means methods literally opposite to those ones you need in coping with the addiction issue. For looking openly at your true and real sexual context, which is unique and individual for everyone of us, and precious!, you do not stop, block, avoid it, as you do in stopping the addiction, but on the contrary, you take a deep breath and look fully at yourself as a whole. Shame and guilt are only parts of us that we have not adopted or even noticed yet.

In other words, if it was not porn addiction, it would be something else sexually forbidden connected with/triggered by older female family members. When you beat this addiction, the denied part of your subconciousness might appear in some other form.

Usually, from my own experience, hidden monsters are not that bad when we look in their face. And when you turn the lights on, the shadows disappear. And you will be free, the stage of life will be yours :-).

With love, G.[/quote]
Thanks G for this thoughtful post. I have actually started to analyse this part of my addiction since going into recovery - the reasons why. I've tried doing this, looking back over my past, when I was younger, a teenager, when I first MB, when I looked at my first porn mag, etc. I was bullied at an all boys school, lived on a rough estate, so wouldn't go mixing with kids my age where I lived. The all boys school also factored in a crucial 3 year gap where I wouldn't socialise with girls - and this should be an important thing to do during developing teen years, I guess. And top that with my parents getting divorced when I was 8 or 9, then hearing my mum having sex loudly every other night with different boyfriends - so hey presto! All the ingredients for why I became messed up and addicted to porn, along with some kind of strange, wierd fetish for older women, no doubt brought on by the trauma of my parents divorcing and my mum behaving slightly reckless when she was younger, not knowing any better at the age she was.

So there is a damaged goods factor in there. I think the deep rooted problems started me on the addiction early on, but the reasons I am on it now are probably more years and years of habit than anything else. I've programmed my brain into doing this regurlarly, and now need to rewire it to a different set of habits.

Anyway, at least I have been able to try and look at why this particular addiction has happened to me.

Thank you intouble

for sharing your story with such an open heart. I do not know if it helps you when I say that I will think of your mission often now. I myself used to belong to those children who compensated lack of love by early MB and orgasms as soon as I discovered.

The reason why I dared to speak about the possible context is this: as soon as I changed my sex life thanks to sacred sex, deep layers, mud and junk of my childhood started popping at me from every corner. Time without orgasms sheds light into every corner of your soul. And even if it is very hard at times, you feel happier, fuller and more complete. Healing my soul has become the priority for me. It was and is a hard but rewarding and fulfilling job. Allowing all those nasty feelings to the parents, letting them out, and forgive and forget and let go. You will soon have to change your nick. :-).

After years I have come to the feeling that we all are just petals of the only flower. (It is a little too poetic maybe ?! Lol

I like Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping, my husband works with it a lot now too. And an analyst Verena Kast wrote an interesting book Fathers-Daughters, Mothers-Sons.

Good luck, May the Force be with you. (Isn´t it a little too pathetic?!:-)) G.

At first glance, your fetish

At first glance, your fetish might appear pretty "niche", which may make things seem tough, but remember:

It's just a pattern in your brain, nothing more, nothing less.

Which means it can be dissolved, given time and dedication.

One thing I've found useful in dealing with patterns like this it to visualise them as separate from the rest of your mind, then when they start to crop up, just observe - "oh, there they are". Sometime you can find a suitable break point, sometimes it's stronger than you and you have to watch it run its course and take notes instead.

Then it becomes like an annoying cuckoo clock hidden somewhere in your apartment, which you are trying to hunt down and dismantle, rather than a significant part of who you are. And reducing the significance of these things is an important step in removing their power over you.

Something else to observe - what are the emotions that you have at different stages of the habit happening? I found that one of my negative patterns was always triggered by unrelated fear (denoted by a tense feeling in my stomach), and that helped me get a grip on it.

It's mentioned on practically every other post on this site (for good reason), but meditation is awesome for helping with this. Even 10 minutes a day has made a huge difference to me.

Ha ha ha!

like an annoying cuckoo clock hidden somewhere in your apartment, which you are trying to hunt down and dismantle

Perfect description of a brain worm. Wink

Thanks

Thanks Gaia and Present. [tanz]
Good posts, especially 2 things in particular -

- Time without orgasms sheds light into every corner of your soul. And even if it is very hard at times, you feel happier, fuller and more complete.

- I found that one of my negative patterns was always triggered by unrelated fear (denoted by a tense feeling in my stomach), and that helped me get a grip on it.

Both of these ring very true with me.

Help

introuble,

I am in the very same boat as you, have a fabulous wife and family, job, etc. and struggle with p addiction, mb addiction and a strong addiction to mil fantasies, etc.

I would love to chat with you offline via email for some friendly advice and help through our common struggles.

Tks.

W