Can two people (ever) get to the point where more intimate "bonding behaviours" DON'T raise sexual tension?

Submitted by Mithril on
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Hello, I'm new, both on this site and to the concept.
Altough, something I can remember from my first love is that altough the most intimate we got was french kissing, we would hug a lot, place my head on her heart etc. One thing I remember like it was yesterday (it was ~5 years ago) is that as soon as we parted after going out, I'd feel my heart sing, I'd run, jump, dance...i.e. I was very happy. And, of course, thought of her and felt close.
So, I noticed on my own skin that this kind of behaviours (touch which is not supposed to be foreplay) make people feel closer to each other.

Now, in the list of bonding behaviours and in other places on these site, I've read about how in order to "create" bonding (excuse my English) touch etc should be selfless, (and, if I understood correctly, not seek to excite?).
I've been "baffled" by a few examples of bonding behaviour like hugging/spooning/etc naked, or touching one's genitals with intent to comfort. Baffled: I can hardly conceive this to not be sexual (as in foreplay) in nature. Can/do these behaviours, after some time together (e.g. say two virgins get married. Of course in the beginning everything "turns them on", but after a few years...), take a ~non-sexual (caring/tender, not raising sexual tension, like foreplay does?) note, such as a long hug, or kissing on the cheek, or caressing one on areas other than the chest/genitals?

Hope you understand the question... :)

I did understand that "bonding behaviours" stimulate oxytocin release (without raising sexual tension, which would lead wether to orgasm or desire to orgasm, and which of course would be very unpleasant) while foreplay/sex stimulate dopamine release.

Thank you very much,
The materials were both eye-opening and incredibly interesting,


I genuinely believe that it is very possible, because I've done so before, pre-marriage. Yes, even direct genital contact - arousing, but not uncontrollably so - it is the point I would like to eventually be in the marriage.

Breathing exercises, the occasional stretching/yoga break - helps ease the tension or overheating arousal/frustration.

There's one way to find out!

Keep experimenting. It's fun to practice; you have to admit. Smile And you sound like a natural for this gentler approach.

Arousal isn't bad; it's delicious. It's when it becomes "driven," that it can push us into a cycle that can begin to narrow our feelings to seeking orgasm only, and dull our response to those other delicious good feelings you describe. Instead of lingering happiness, some of us just feel "orgasm/crash and need for recovery...and another orgasm." This changes how we view our mate....and not for the better.

We've found that almost any touch can be delivered two ways: one from sexual hunger, the other from a desire to nurture one's mate. Granted the distinction is always a bit blurry, but most authors who write about karezza seem to make this point. One author advised, "feel yourself as a battery, sending your energy to your lover during love making." His book is available in French, by the way, in case your French happens to be even better than English.

Feel free to start a blog if you like.

I've only read what's on here so far

I have Marnia's book and intend to read it, but haven't yet. But based on what Marnia just said, I'm thinking the intention isn't to avoid all sexual tension. I would imagine any touching of the genitals can bring about some of that tension...but it is where that tension gets directed that I think is the issue.

The difference is more "do I have sex with her to get my orgasm" or "do I have sex with her to give myself over to her pleasure?"

Often we do both to varing degrees, and so to take the former out of the picture so we can focus on the later, we make not having an orgasm a goal for either, but only giving each other pleasurable contact. But you will most likely feel desire and want. What has to happen there is that you become okay with that, it doesn't drive you. You enjoy the pleasure you get for what it is, be glad you've experienced it, but not demand more.

At first that is hard, which is why they say to work up to it, but you can get to the point that the demand of your body for more of that pleasure no longer has control over you. As I'm come to realize lately myself.

Nicely said, Cole

The process is also a moving target. This is a big transition, and at first you feel like you're "reining in your horses" tightly. That's a bit of a strain. Then, as you get the hang of it, it's easier. Like staying on a surfboard or snowboard.

I always smile when I remember John Humphrey Noyes' words from 150 years ago. He discovered this approach independently, at least the male part of it, and wrote "Male Continence" to describe it.

The situation may be compared to a stream in the three conditions of a fall, a course of rapids above the fall, and still water above the rapids. The skillful boatman may choose whether he will remain in the still water, or venture more or less down the rapids, or run his boat over the fall. But there is a point on the verge of the fall where he has no control over his course; and just above that there is a point where he will have to struggle with the current in a way which will give his nerves a severe trial, even though he may escape the fall.

If he is willing to learn, experience will teach him the wisdom of confining his excursions to the region of easy rowing, unless he has an object in view that is worth the cost of going over the falls [conception].

Its About Love

My experience is that it becomes more of a feeling of contacting the divine within through making true love. One gets to know that monster that is lurking around seeking the sensations of sex and after a while there is a deeper knowing of how that does not serve either of you in delving into the deep together. And from that deep state of love you realise the incredible beauty of the woman that you serve.

As I approach my woman without wanting to get anything she seems to blossom more in her inner beauty which reflects on her outer. The vision of her when she knows that she is loved for the feminine essence that she releases to you is awesome. And so sex becomes the inferior option. It is almost as if its not the egoic you that is seeking anything. And so chasing orgasm loses its attraction.


I'm new here and I apologize if this simple question has been answered elsewhere, but what is the role of non-orgasmic intercourse as a bonding experience? Can it be rewarding, or is it just a holdover from fertilization sexuality that is a distraction and should be avoided altogether, if you can?

Rewarding, but optional

I cannot speak to the role of non-orgasmic intercourse, but is is highly rewarding!!! However, at least for my wife and I, it is quite optional. We sometimes go weeks without, but we are closer than we have ever been. We are affectionate and perform bonding behaviors daily. I would not go so far as to say avoid it, but each couple should see what works best for them. The point is for the act to be non goal oriented. Avoiding the orgasm seems to accomplish this goal, and once that becomes ingrained, like all other things, you just work into your own routine.

Hi AlexG (hope that's not your real name)

That's a good question. There may not be one answer. It may be one of those "moving target" issues. That is, intercourse can be very reassuring, and the newer one is to karezza, the more important it may be.

Intercourse is also affectionate touch (presumably Smile ), and that helps release oxytocin and soothe and reduce stress. But there are many other forms of affectionate touch, and as Neil says, miraculously, they get the core of the job done, too. If you're feeling "well fed" and lighthearted, it really doesn't matter how you got there, if you think about it.

You might try to find a schedule that works for the two of you, so that intercourse isn't just left to chance. That can help avoid resentment, and make it a special occasion.

The other thing about intercourse is that it's obviously easy to fall into old habits and go too near the edge. That can leave a person cranky, and even create discomfort. Not advised. So be gentle and try ending by lying still.

Blog if you care to share your insights.

No, that's not my real name.

No, that's not my real name. I thought it was supposed to be something unidentifiable. It means something to me, but wouldn't to anyone else. Sorry to be so dense, but how do I get to the blog?

On the subject, I just know from my experience with other things (like smoking) that cutting back gradually doesn't work. I can only successfully quit "cold turkey". If it's sexual and it doesn't somehow enhance bonding, I need to quit doing it, all at once, totally and permanently. I'm assuming that this is even more clearly true of ejaculating, right?


Yes I found this the case also, cold turkey is the only way to quit, although cutting back is also progress I think your goal in the grand scheme of things should be cold turkey. Relapses may occur, but hey we're only human right?