Sexual Anorexia

Submitted by jojostarbuck on
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I am a happily married woman, but find that I am struggling with sexual anorexia. I have been doing some research and it appears that this affects woman more than men, and is often associated with Child Sex Abuse. I have never suffered from CSA, but find that I seem to not have a sex drive so to speak, but once we are engaged in sex, I am into it. I don't seem to want to have it at all, and it is very hard and hurtful to my partner, who is very supportive. I don't seem to have sexual fantasies like other people and wonder if I am the only one. I want so much to have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband, but something holds me back and I just don't know what to do anymore. It is truly affecting our relationship as we can go months without any intimacy, and that just is not right. I need some help and some tips with how I can deal with this. Any ideas, I am open to all suggestions.

Some women

posting here have had good luck with the bonding behaviors recommended in this article: They give subconscious bonding cues directly to a primitive part of the brain.

It's a good idea to start with several weeks of them...without any intercourse. Then add intercourse back in. At that point, you might also want to experiment with karezza. It's gentle intercourse without the goal of orgasm, which helps keep the magnetism alive. (Orgasm *seems* to increase libido, but it's the beginning of a longer cycle that can actually push partners apart over time. Let me know if you want more info.)

In any case, your response is not unusual, and it happens to men, too, in some relationships. So be easy on yourself.

Let us know how it goes. You're enabled to blog if you like.


I did look into Karezza, but not sure how it is supposed to work. We are trying to understand how it actually works. Do you have more information?

Not sure if I truly understand how it works, so will need lots of information.,

There are whole books

on the subject of karezza available for free here. See this link:

My husband and I found a gradual approach works best, which is why my book ( has a three-week program for couples who want to experiment with the idea. Here's an article about the gradual approach:

If you're expecting to feel as hot as you felt during the honeymoon phase of your romance (which happens because you're both high on a temporary cocktail of neurochemicals), you will be disappointed. But if you're looking to find each other delicious and adorable on a consistent basis, and at least want to engage in daily affection (and make love from time to time, with some really delightful feelings), that's entirely possible, and can be effortless - with a bit of structure at first.

Good luck!

Are you perchanche on

Are you perchanche on hormonal birth control? That can be a factor. When I was on the pill I felt similar to how you describe - sexually responsive but with no real desire of my own, or like the hormones were adding a strangely numbing film over my real sexuality.

trying to understand

Thanks so much for replying, I am not on any birth control at the moment. I am hoping that with time and working through some information posted here, I will get a better control on things.


From wikipedia:
"Sexual anorexia is a term used to describe a loss of "appetite" for romantic-sexual interaction. However, the term is used broadly and can be better defined as a fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety surrounding sex with emotional content i.e. in an intimate relationship." and Douglas Weiss Ph.D., Sexual Anorexia, Beyond Sexual., Emotional and Spiritual Withholding (1998)
So...have you read Marnia's book and tried the bonding behaviors? I have been struggling with something like this for years as my wife seems to never think about or desire sex, and rarely any kind of physical intimacy.
How old are you (menopause)?
Have you born children? how old are they?
Morita helps too
I'd love to hear from your partner
Best Wishes

thank you

I will have you know I have been scouring the internet for over a year trying to find what this was. My husband seems to lack all desire, except for once a month. I do attribute it to child abuse. He is almost incapable of intimacy and empathy. Its as though his brain wont let him understand that I need him to show me love. He just thinks i ought to know. I pretty much have to make all the effort for anything that keeps a marriage healthy. Very frustrating. He only takes action in the crisis mode. Thank you so much for sharing.

I know this story

If I ask for bonding behaviors I am labeled "needy" and "demanding" and feel like I am the one carrying the load to see to our emotional/karezza health.
I'm thinking of creating a definition for Hubby in "Hey, you got some time for some Hubby Healing (Wife Warming)?" She can name the amount of time to devote to making me feeling loved through stroking, hugging and kissing. AND I'm gonna ask for it when I'm feeling good, not when I NEED IT. What do you think? I'll let you know how it works.