My Way Back to a Normal Life

Submitted by Ayam on
Printer-friendly version

hi everybody,
i don't know where else to post this, so i just do it here. i apologize for my english - it could be bad sometimes, because i am not a native speaker.

so enough about that - i am here, because i am addicted to porn. this realization came roughly one week ago.
why? i think because i do a lot of energy meditation these days. supplementary i thoroughly observe my thoughts and feelings. through my spiritual practice i enjoyed different wonderful states of all-pervading peace, which never lasted long. i know now that my sexual desire was responsible for this annoying disturbance.

i started to daily watch porn 8 or 9 years ago. today i am 21. i masturbated at least once a day, but often up to 6 times. i really thought it had no effect on my personality, but one day i realized, that i had sort of a split personality. being horny i saw women as an object for satisfaction. as a vagina with two legs. i know this sounds really degrading and i am in some sense deeply ashamed. on the other hand all my friends think the same way. so i never really had the possibility to do a reality check.

now i haven't been masturbating or waching porn for maybe 5 days and i am really feeling strong withdrawal symptoms. i am nervous and restless. whenever i hear about sex, strong, passionate and sometimes violent fanasies come to my mind. then i feel like releasing tension. last night i just couldn't fal asleep, because of all the thoughts and urges.
thank god i have found this page with all the information concerning the neurochemical processes of sex, for without it i would be completely lost.

also the exercises to withdraw energy from the genitals is very helpful.

i really want to thank you - and i want to make a commitment: i want to overcome my addiction. i want to report my progress. failure will not be tolerated. i want to make the change from lust to love.

blessings,
ayam

Posting anywhere is fine

but I also enabled you to start a blog, so feel free to begin another thread if you prefer. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Yes, withdrawal can be very, very tough. The symptoms you describe are typical. It does seem to help to be able to blog about them...and have the reassurance from others that the "dark monsters of despair and anxiety" are not YOU, but rather the discomfort caused by your brain as it escapes the drug of intense neurochemical explosions due to today's extreme porn - and rediscovers its natural balance.

Please do not feel guilty about seeing women as vaginas. Smile One of the most satisfying things about hostessing this site has been to watch how men's perception of women automatically shifts from "walking body parts" to "fellow human being" as they recover. You can't force this process even if you try, so don't bother. It will happen naturally. And, it was virtually unavoidable to see them as body parts while you were watching porn. It just goes with the experience.

And who knows? Maybe someday you will want to be a gynecologist, and all that genital viewing will be put to good use. Wink

Seriously, I thank you for your courage in walking through the withdrawal. It will have ups and downs, and go on for far too long, but the results are worth it. Some of the benefits men notice have little to do with sex: greater courage, more eye contact and bonding with their fellow humans, enjoying other pleasures in life more, better concentration, less rage and other mood swings, better sense of humor, greater magnetism vis a vis potential partners, ability to escape the "autopilot" mindset of compulsion, and so forth.

But good days/hours are followed by bad days/hours and vice versa during the recovery, so it's easy to get discouraged without strong support. We're glad you're here. Your English is brilliant, but no one worries much about such things here.

*big hug*

Day 4

without porn for me Ayam, so i am right behind you literally and metaphysically - perhaps we can do a count together? I found it helped me last time, lapsed at day 7 but then pushed through to day 28, before getting off line as a result of a move.

Everything you say rings true. This site has helped me overcome the guilt trip, as it all comes down to misdirected chemicals in the brain, nothing more. Energy is just that, energy. We either channel into pleasure or something more purposeful and long lasting. For me it's a spiritual path, fantastic links on this site to Taoism and Lao Tsu, my total hero. Meditation(sitting, bowing, kinhin walking) is key for me.

Having espoused all that, the sexual images are coming in thick and fast, as well as the brains tricks to get me to indulge:
"If you don't do it you could do something worse!"
"What if it gets so bad you touched a girls behind"?
At this stage i can't stay on line for long, as there is a constant nagging pull in another direction.
When I started you had to get through the shames of trying to buy a mag at a shop, find a man to sell it to you, no other customers around, quickly put under jacket. Now, with this mixed blessing of a box, it s all here and limitless. In my darker days I would have thought I had died and gone to heaven.

You are fortunate to have the insight now, wish you all the best. LTW.

Commitment

Hi Ayam,

I'll witness your commitment, and wish you good luck in overcoming your addiction. Do keep posting, I find it really helps to write it all down. I would say though, that whereas ultimate long-term failure shouldn't be tolerated, don't be too hard on yourself if you have a relapse... one of the key things I've found in making progress is to learn from a relapse and get back on track as soon as possible.

Take care,
time_for_change

thank you very much for the

thank you very much for the warm welcoming :)
i really feel like this is the place i need to be at right now.
i think i will start blogging - i was feeling pretty aggressive the whole day, suddenly i experienced a flash of love while talking sweetly to my parrot and that was an exquisite feeling.
from one second to another all the heavyness was gone and there was just lightness left. i felt clean, glowing, loving, lighthearted. really satisfied.
marnia, is this how making LOVE actually feels? up to this experience i thought that sex without an orgasms couldn't be satisfying, but now i believe that this love and connection is the most profound feeling of satisfaction i have ever experienced.

an interesting fact is, that masturbation just eased intense tension. the main advantage of masturbating was that the feeling of intense tension was gone afterwards. like hunger. it's unpleasant to be hungry. being sated feels good, because there is no hunger left. it's the same with intense sexual desire.
i have always thought that it would be really nice to not be bothered by the urge to have sex or masturbate. i just didn't like the idea to have to do it. i want it to be an act of free will, not the response to an urge.

marnia, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. this website is important.

@live the way: let's do a count together, friend!
@time_for_change: thank you for your good advice :)

blessing,
ayam

Hi welcome

[quote=Ayam]thank you very much for the warm welcoming :)
an interesting fact is, that masturbation just eased intense tension. the main advantage of masturbating was that the feeling of intense tension was gone afterwards. like hunger. it's unpleasant to be hungry. being sated feels good, because there is no hunger left. it's the same with intense sexual desire.
i have always thought that it would be really nice to not be bothered by the urge to have sex or masturbate. i just didn't like the idea to have to do it. i want it to be an act of free will, not the response to an urge.
ayam[/quote]

I am slowly starting to see that I can get through stressful and tense times without masturbation/orgasm/porn. It has been an intense journey the last year or so. My addiction covered way more than just that though. The giving in to masturbation after stress levels were very high for what ever reason was a major thing to over come. It was not till I decided to quit using porn that I discovered how all of this was effecting me. Well not sure I am aware completely on how my addiction has effected me or at least not completely figured out yet. I know that I figured out a few days before finding reuniting that I had to quit masturbating if I wanted to stop using porn. Since this whole process started I have discovered links and triggers to set off masturbation. One of those was as stress release. If I got very angry and in a rage. Masturbation. Frustrated of any thing. Masturbation. Tension at work, while driving, Social anxiety(this one hurts me a lot still), fear does not matter what just fear and worry will cause the right stress. I guess any thing you can think of that causes stress or tension.
I would self medicate with masturbation to orgasm.

I have not made it past the urges yet. I still get those. I have made it to a point where I do not act on them or if I do they are very rare. I am trying to work on that free will you speak of. I want to decided when I will use masturbation or sexual energy. I do not want to be controlled by the impulses I have no control over. I can see getting to that point now. It will take time and hard work but I can see working through this now. I know it is possible to get from heavy m/p/o addiction and go without any of them for an extended period of time.

I am not sure you can completely do away with urges. I think it is more of getting further along where I am now. You get to the point where you have control. Where you do not have to act on those urges. Sexual desire and urges are going to be there in some way. Learning to focus that sexual energy or acting on them when and if you want is a possible better way to look at it.

I hope to one day be in much better control of myself and urges. I am fighting them tonight actually. They have been about as strong as they have in a long time. Started Tuesday and have been going up and down a lot the last couple days. Tonight they have been at a 10 on that scale of 1 to 10. Not that strong right now but close. We will see how I deal with urges over an extended time that are this strong. It has been 5 weeks since my last m/o session and not had to face this level of urges much or at all since then. I have usually given in to masturbation or orgasm or both when I have been in this state before. I think my only hope is to try and move the energy up tonight. I will try this process again tonight I have already done this once this week. I did not want to try again so soon but the urges are not giving up and I need to try something.

sorry talking to myself as much as you now :) I do that sometimes.

I think you can get to where you want to be. I know you can. It will take some time and patience with yourself but it can be done and it is worth the effort. those withdrawals can be very painful and difficult to deal with at first. They do not last forever though it will feel that way at times. Just remember when stuck in them that they will pass. It will jus take some time.
Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

A parrot!

Wow. I'm glad you have a companion. Smile

Those flashes of light/love will become more frequent. Congratulations on figuring out some important things a lot faster than some of the rest of us!

greetings, my

greetings, my friends!

seeker, i hope you stayed strong last night and did not fall for the tempation Wink

today was an extremely good day. i feel like the withrawal symptoms are gone now.
my main problem was that i had always lost my heart-centered approach to life and all things when "in heat" :D
today i managed to transform the rather violent urge through focusing intensly on my heart chakra.
sex seems to be a strong trigger for issues concerning the lower three chakras.
although brain chemical have a strong effect, i believe that the knowledge about the turmoil they cause alone is enough to overcome their effect.
today it was very easy to stop lust just by wanting it, by wanting to be light and happy.

That's great

I'm really happy for you. Perhaps your spiritual training is supporting you. Most people find that recovery has unpredictable ups and downs. That is, it usually isn't linear...like an airplane taking off. This can be confusing.

But hopefully you won't have that experience. Keep us posted.

*big hug*