And this is where I am

Submitted by carriedawaytoan... on
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It was sometime at the end of last year that I ran across the Cupid's poisoned arrow blog, I had been experiencing problems in my relationship with my partner, and nothing I had read up to that point had been anything I wanted to hear.
I will have been with my boyfriend 4 years in May, he is my first and only boyfriend, the problem was that I am a high level libido and he is a low level libido. I wanted sex all the time, morning, noon and night, the best my boyfriend could offer was once a week.
I would try and pleasure him, all the time, hoping that he'd be "in the mood", I make jokes about sex, I'd tell him I was frustrated, I would do everything to get it, I felt resentful that my boyfriend got to control our sex life and I felt almost permanently frustrated.
By the end half of last year, I was getting really fed up, I was desperate, so I scoured the web for weeks, and everything I saw was - sex is the most important thing in a relationship (I didn't believe that even then, lol), if you aren't sexually compatible, you should dump him, more sex, better sex, and tons more stuff like that.
Then I ran across this website and my boyfriend ran across an article from the Cupid blog, at first I was sceptical, but the more I read, the more it made sense, so after a couple of weeks of umming and ahhing, I talked to my boyfriend about it. We are a pretty affectionate couple anyway, we hug at least twice a day, we always tell each other that we love each other, we kiss a lot, but knowing how important that is, has certainly helped.
At first we tried karezza, but we couldn't really get into it and I kept on getting too aroused, we tried that for a couple of weeks, but it was quite apparent that it wasn't going to help us, so I made the decision to totally give up orgasms and sex, so that is what I have been doing for the past 4 months +.
It has been an interesting experience, it was really hard at first to give up, my libido has always been a little voice in my ear, if I was online, I'd feel the need to go and look at porn, if I was bored, I'd look at porn, it had a tendency to put sexual connotations on every intimate moment with my boyfriend and at times I felt more like my libido was in charge than I was!
But as time wore on, and I got more determined, it got easier, until some time in January I realised that I had gone 4 weeks without even thinking about sex and the voice was totally absent, that was the nicest experience, it was then that I also saw the effect on my relationship.
When I am abstaining, I feel freer, I realised that I was seeing my boyfriend in a kinder light, I really felt in love with him, and I felt more comfortable with him, I also felt more relaxed and rational, it was like a weight had been lifted off of us.
We are still trying to figure out what works, my period has a tendency to make me incredibly horny, so I am trying to see how long I can abstain, the longest has been 6 weeks in total.
The aim, in the long run, is for me to find some modicum of balance, I don't intend to abstain permanently, and my boyfriend is free to ask for sex if he wants it, although that is yet to happen, lol, I guess we're just seeing how things go.
I think that the best thing, is that I feel like I have gotten my relationship back, we have always said we were perfect for one another, but the sex thing kept on getting in the way, but now that I am in control, I feel that my boyfriend and I are perfect for one another more than ever.

Thanks so much

for sharing your experience. It seems most unjust that we high-libido folk can't find a way to keep the raging passion in our loving relationships (past that neurochemical honeymoon)...but if the solution exists I sure haven't found it.

Don't get me wrong, I think there may be many workable compromises, and I applaud any couple that figures one out. I'm just saying that the "pumping things up in the bedroom solution" just never lead to lasting harmony. And ultimately, my relationships were more important to me. (Took a while to figure that out. Wink )

Anyway, I guess I'm glad to have your confirmation. *chuckle*

All the best to you both.

the sex drive

i just want to thank you, the way you expressed your libido is a replica of mine including the comments, porn etc. good to know i am not totally alone and good to know your relationship has improved.

Thanks for your comments

The journey is by no means over, I still find that my libido tries to make a comeback, lol.
But this site and the Cupid blog have shown me that I CAN take control, and my experience has proven to me that the struggle is worth it, my relationship matters immensely more to me than a few moments of physiological pleasure, and I feel like this is the right path for me.
Good Luck to all of you and Thank You Marnia, I feel like your blog and site are a haven of sense in a stormy sea of confusion on sex and relationships and I appreciate that more than I can express :)