I am struggling with something I hope I can get some new awareness and understanding with!!
My partner and I have been together for 11 years and are married with a 5 year old and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant!
When I first met my partner - I/we couldn't get out of the bedroom - honeymoon period x 100!! It was amazing and I did feel very connected with him at this time.
This wore off for me around the 3-6month mark, as I am very 'driven to succeed' in the material world, and while sex is amazing, I have more desires in my life, that I meet with working hard and enjoying those rewards.
My husband and I got engaged within the first 3 months - as the connection and feelings were just so amazing. For me, it was great that we had had this feeling and now we could 'get on' with things as we knew we had this connection, but I had no real desire to experience this every minute of every day (as he did and still does!) This was the beginning. Of my feeling many negative emotions;
1. Annoyance and frustration - at being 'pestered' all the time
2. Guilt - at feeling that it was my job to satisfy, but at the cost of me giving of myself when I begrudged it - I was giving out of obligation and guilt and fear that if I didnt, he might go elsewhere, rather than desire.
3. Self-loathing - in giving of myself when it was against my soul/heart. I wished I could be stronger and say no. But I suppose I feared I would just be saying no all the time
4. "Broken' - how come he had such a strong natural desire and enjoyment of sex, and I didn't. Was there something wrong with me? There was an extreme sadness attached to this. Almost as though I had lost contact with the true natural state of being, I couldnt loose myself in sex anymore. When I was younger, I couldn't get enough and loved it daily. But as I got older - I had other desires - and maybe the chasing of satisfaction from sex didnt bring as much as the satisfaction and social praise from social/material/ego success.
5. Sadness - as my husband always felt he stayed with me hoping that I would find the sexual maniac that I used to be when younger, and feels 'cheated' as she has never returned.
So this difference in drives has caused alot of emotional pain. And also emotional blocks. As he is not getting 'satisfied' he is at a stand off to give me any satisfaction. My needs for satisfaction seem to all be 'outside the bedroom'. Flowers, loving cuddles, caressing, helping with dinner, doing things together - there is no togetherness in our relationship. Nothing we do together that we both enjoy.
So, I feel desperately unloved and used, (giving of myself to attempt to satisfy him - which never works because he needs me to be there with him), and feels desperately unloved and used as he feels he has no appreciation for financially supporting the family, and getting no sex as reward for this.
So, after feeling at my wits end, I really didnt think that I could live seeing his spirit so broken and depressed, because at the core, I love him so much. I couldnt bear to see him waste his life away, resenting my daughter and I. So, I told him that I could not see a resolution and I could not accept us living in such dissatifaction any longer - fearing it was not good for my daughter to grow up surrounded by. He went traveling with me stating "do what you need to do".
Speaking on the phone was amazing. He sounded so free and excited and radiating energy - and hearing him like that made me feel so happy. I had been waiting for years to see him alive again. I felt so free and euphoric. No responsibilities to full-fill and satisfy and no guilt!
So he put out to the universe to be desired. (Not being specific enough to say from me). And of course the universe provided him with a bounty full of women desiring him. (He is a very attractive guy, so bound to happen). And he had sex with another woman, twice.
Devastation. The connection we had when we were first together was so strong, it was like no-one could ever break that bond. And now I was standing on unknown and unexpected ground. 5 weeks pregnant.
He says that he consciously made the decision to be with her - in a desire to make me desire him. Hey - he is a bloke - I don't get his logic.
I did feel very shocked and confused.
We are back together now, and the initial sex when we saw each other again was amazing. He was so happy and in love, cuddling me, and being affectionate - I even got a bunch of flowers sent to the house yesterday! However, the "unhealthy' emotional states are quickly seeping their way back into our relationship.
1. I have been exhausted and feeling sick, and instead of desiring him, I desire sleep, but know he needs me to satisfy him, so I try and because I am not emotionally there - it insults him more, and he feels he needs to:
1a. Go away for a few days to make me desire him again
1b. go traveling in south america to be true to his heart
2. He has been back at work, resenting that and needing more satisfaction .
I want to enjoy sex. For the feeling of sex. I think I have become so caught up in the pressure.
I want my husband to love life and well as sex. I feel that without sex, nothing else in his life interests him. The more crap his day has been, the more the need for sex to make it all worthwhile.
I want to understand whether him adoring me when he is riding the edge of orgasam is real adoration. I always feel used
1. I love my husband dearly and have chosen to have the baby and try to work things out.