Porn addiction escalated and lead to disturbing fantasies

Submitted by Boswell on
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Basically, i started watching porn when i was about 14, (i'm now 21). Just the usual stuff, no harm done, right? Wrong. It's not like i spent hours at a time with porn, but i would watch it alt least once a day. anyway my habit quickly escalated, as the normal porn just wouldn't do it for me. I moved onto more extreme porn like shemales and rape fantasy, even though i would never dream of doing any of these things. It was just such a taboo and so against my morals that it gave me a kind of adrenanline type buzz or something.

After a while even this more extreme type of porn was not enough for me and alas, something i regret so deeply, i discovered "barely legal":
18 year olds look much younger than they are and are dressed to look young aswell. again this was so against my morals that the whole taboo thing happened again. I would fantasize that these girls were underage and masturbate to the pictures.

This went on for about a year and a half until, it seemed, i just snapped out of it. I realiseed i had problem andafter doing sme searching came by this site. I never even realised that you could get addicted to porn, and the escalation part, completely matches up with what i went through.

For the past few years i have been having problems maintaining an erection when i'm with a woman, i think this may be because ive desensitized myself with all this filth and these bad thoughts. Can this be undone?

I have now not looked at any type of porn for 2 weeks, however i did masturbate a week ago. so i'm counting it as 1 week. I just want to get these horrible memories out of my head. I know a lot of peoiple will consider me a monster and i understand that, i've been calling myself that for a while. but i do hope that someone will understand.

the shame i feel at the moment is very intense, 24 hours a day. but i think that maybe this is a step in the right direction as it will stoip me from doing it again.

Your opinions would be helpful, even if it is just that i should burn in hell :@

Please don't burn ANYwhere :-)

In fact, if you can let go of the shame that would be helpful, too. (It makes it much more exciting if you relapse...which is not helpful. Smile ) Remember, your brain was just playing tricks on you to get its fix of exciting neurochemicals. If cartoons did it, your brain would have been watching them. Do you see my point? The content is, in some ways, irrelevant, so it doesn't really matter WHAT you were watching. The key point is that you were needing more and more of it.

What's important is that you get unhooked and get your brain back into balance. Congratulations on realizing that and working toward it. Avoiding masturbation can be helpful, but if you do masturbate now and then, do your very best to avoid all flashbacks and fantasy. As you know, the goal is to weaken the association between your sexual arousal and the cues you no longer want to find arousing.

Yes, it's very likely that your erections will come back. See this thread:
Erectile Dysfunction and Porn Use
http://www.reuniting.info/node/3287

I'll enable you to blog in case you want to start your own thread.

*big hug*

Thanks for understanding, I

Thanks for understanding, I guess I know deep down that I'm not a bad person. I'm actually finding it quite easy to lay off the porn at the moment. My real trouble is with the shame I feel like some peadophile even though I know that's not true. It's hard to shake these negative thoughts, but as I abstain I feel like maybe I'm starti g to feel better about myself. I hope that the more time that passes the less I think about this so I can really get on with my life, feels like I'm stuck in a rut ATM.

Thanks again for you help

Actually,

the guys who figure out they want to get back on track are already heroes in my view, so please feel good about yourself!

Think about it...suppose back in the depths of time you were with a young girl when you first felt a powerful wave of arousal. Your primitive brain is set up to remember that...even if you don't. And then, when you exhaust yourself sexually later in life with too many orgasms, it's going to look around for things it once found really exciting. Bingo!

The good news is that when you stay away from exhausting yourself sexually - and from the cues you don't want wired to your arousal, your tastes swing back to your true, more balanced tastes. You may actually SEE things differently. Strange, but true. Did you see this item? http://www.reuniting.info/straight_men_gay_porn_sexual_brain_map

Neuroplasticity is our reality. All we can do about it is learn to steer better...and spread the word.

You're no monster, you just

You're no monster, you just got sucked into a big bad trap like the most of us. I've had my own fetishes that I'm not very proud of and I bet most of us are in the same boat, but staying away from porn for only about a month has already started bringing balance back to my life.

I used to have a big thing for enlarged breasts and only yesterday there was a clip on the news about girls with silicon implants and the dangers of having them and they were showing a lot of these girls on the beach etc which usually would have set me off on a porn frenzy and got me drooling, but yesterday they actually looked weird.

It looked unnatural and the augmented breasts seemed to put me off and I was thinking why would they do this to themselves? What's the big deal about big breasts? And this is from a guy that's spent a lot of his life worshipping them and this difference in perception for me came in only one month.

So don't worry, if you make an effort to rid yourself of your porn habit and abstain I'm positive you'll start returning to your true self and be rid of the fetishes you're so concerned with now. You've already made great progress with 2 weeks of no porn.

Keep it up!
Courage

no monsters here

just people who have picked up habits and ended up in places they thought they would never go. The brain is a funny thing, glad you came to recognize that you had a problem.

That shame is painful. If you feel overwhelmed with it, just do a couple of things that you know you will feel good about. Do a couple of small esteemable acts in your day. They will add up over time. The healing of shame starts with doing exactly what you are doing.

A couple of things that help with this addiction-

Do you have access to a SAA or SLAA meeting? There is some good recovery in those places and just being around other people that have gone through this helps a lot with the shame.

Look into a good internet blocker. Im using K-9, it took a little for me to get the settings right and learn to outsmart myself in not being able to by pass the settings, but I wish I used this tool a long time ago. It can make a difference if you are teetering on the edge, which you'll probably find yourself doing in recovery.

Best of luck with this, we all have our horror stories here, but there are also a lot of success stories too.