I'm relatively new to this site and I have not yet posted anything, but this morning I have decided to do so. As many others have already written the porn masturbation addiction is frightful. I am currently 21 years old. I'm not quite sure how to structure what I want to write, or why I'm even writing it. Some of the other posts I have read have provided me with a bit of hope. I have been watching internet porn for some years now (years, and I'm only 21) and I did not think much of it until a few years ago, and still not not think much more of it until quite recently. I have started to become more aware of the feelings the addiction arouses in me (apart from just the desire to orgasm). It feels terrible sometimes. I have told myself many times that I would stop watching porn but I have never been successful. I have at most been able to go a few days or maybe a week, but then the urge gets too strong and sometimes I am not even present while I am doing it.
It is if something is clawing in my brain, and the more I resist, the stronger it becomes. Sometimes it subsides and other times it gets more intense. Sometimes after it subsides it comes back very subtley and without even thinking much then I just go do it. Most of the time I do not browse porn for the pleasure of viewing it anymore, but just to find that video that is just right, or good enough to let me orgasm. Throughout the years I have been a bit worried about if someone found out (which has happened once) when I view porn and or masturbate on their computers. I have viewed it on public computers at my school and then gone to the bathroom to masturbate (quite frequently fall 2008). When I first arrived at school I viewed it on my roommates computer until he came home early one day from class and walked in on me masturbating. He said nothing about it, which seems to be similar to many people. Even those who do not do it don't want to talk about it with those that do. About a year later he was no longer on the same campus but drunkenly called a friend who lived in the dorms with us (they did not continue talking after he moved out) and told him what happened. I was very surprised to say the least, as he never confronted me about the issue, but did start locking up his computer. I've watched porn on my brother's computer (he has an ample supply), my sister's, my friend's and even my roommate's computer which I am using now to type this. I could continue but these are the bulk of the times I have used other people's computers to do it.
I would like to overcome this, but it is extremely difficult and I quickly get disheartened. I have read several of the posts and am even a bit envious of those that go more than a week, because I feel even that is difficult. Apart from the pressure that accumulates, the hijacking of my brain by past images, by sexual feelings in my center get so strong that sometimes I indulge them. Other times I am aware of what I am doing, but am almost powerless to stop it. Almost immediately after I ejaculate though I feel like crap. I feel like I have just thrown away the time I was successful at holding it at bay (sometimes I am able to fight off the impulses) and nearly feel despair. I used to never get these negative feelings but they keep getting stronger. I don't know if I am making any progress at stopping. I don't want to quit ejaculating (potentially with a partner) but I am starting to get sick (very figuratively and perhaps literally as well) of the power that it has over me.
Some have mentioned when the feelings start to go and do another activity, but I find it nearly impossible to redirect my mind to focus on anything else. Strangely enough though, I was able to resist more when I was overseas last year. For about 9 months I was living with my sister in Myanmar, where my access to porn was non-existent (I did manage one night out of all the time to get private access to internet which allowed me to watch porn and masturbate, and I felt terribly guilty afterwards. It felt good though, not having all of the distractions and the clic away porn that is here in the US. As soon as I came back to the US though it started up again.
I have also started seeing a girl and I very much enjoy her company. We have kissed and been naked together (no sex) and I very much enjoy the time we do (even when those other images pop into my head while I am kissing her). I have no problem getting aroused with her, but I feel even more guilty about watching porn now.
I don't know if any of this goes anywhere but it seems others have found some solace in posting their stories - hopefully it will help me as well. From reading the posts it does appear that ending this addiction may be arduous, but if the final goal is to be released, it can be achieved. I am writing now because just this morning I was reading a book and then all of a sudden I am clicking through youporn and then bam. I ejaculate and feel guilty and shameful again. I do appreciate the words that temper resolve and encourage us not to give up, and I do in part realize that there is a success for every failure, and if I do keep trying it should get easier.
Hopefully writing this will help me along the way.