Question- on friends becoming lovers

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Marnia, and others have written that when friends become lovers, it often changes for the worse. Yet she and others have also written that when a couple falls in love, thier brains release chemicals which make them want to be caring and intimate (at least for a while). If people in love release a lot of oxycontin (guess that is how it is spelled,) why wouldn't it hold together friends becoming lovers? Also a lot of happy marriages started as friendships as well. I have always been baffled by this, in my personal experience I have never had a boyfriend who was a friend for a long time first, but it doesn't sound bad. My theory is that when friends become lovers and thier friendship hits the skids soon after, they weren't deeply enough "in love" at first, and/or weren't planning on having a committed, exclusive relationship (or one was and the other wasn't.) I would like to read Marnia's thoughts on this, along with other people's. I am thinking that as they are so familiar with each other the "honeymoon period" is shortened quite a bit-dunno.

Friends as lovers

I think friends becoming lovers is the ideal situation...potentially. However, if the lovers then practice conventional sex with orgasm, they are soon caught up in the biological cycle of highs and lows...which tends to change their perception of each other for the worse. Maybe it won't be a one-night stand, but the deterioration still sneaks into the relationship.

In other words, in my view (and experience), solid friendship will not save a relationship from this deterioration process. I believe we are mistaken when we believe the deterioration occurs because we haven't found the "right" person.

I think many happy marriages are little more than friendships. This is a commendable achievement on this planet. However, I believe sexual intimacy has hidden spiritual and healing potential that we do not tap when we settle for mere friendship.

BTW, oxycontin is a time-release narcotic. Oxytocin is the "cuddle hormone" that we talk about a lot. Smile

Anyone else?

Question- on friends becoming lovers

Do they still have a "honeymoon" period?" Is it shortened or lengthened? I am referring to friends who get serious, not "F*** Buddies."

As for happy marriages who were friends first- if things did not stay "friendly" as it were, after they'd had sex, why would they make it to the alter? I am guessing things stayed good for awhile. In sexless marriages too, usually the sex was good at first and then dropped off (sometimes that is also true of the friendship.)

Hope to get another reply.

Question- on friends becoming lovers

Sometimes they have a longer honeymoon period. Sometimes they don't. It
depends on how the neurochemical hangover affects the individuals
involved. Sometimes when you're really close to someone you trust, and
then have sex, the strange projections that accompany the neurochemical
hangover can be quite devastating and ruin the entire friendship, even
if you stop sleeping with the person and try to be "just friends" again.
It was a couple of lessons like that that got me to start asking the
larger question, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???" And the answer, though
unwelcome at first, has explained it.

Usually the relationships that last longest have "economic or
procreative deals" in them. Like both partners want kids and see the
relationship as a means to that end, or the man wants a wife who meets
his specifications and he has what she's looking for. Or there is gold
digging going on. But such relationships have their limitations as far
as spiritual growth goes, because they are based on "getting" not
"giving." Moreover, when someone no longer fits the "deal" image, the
partnership can prove to be very fragile. Hence the need to cultivate
monogamy from within, by fooling biology, and improving our perception
of each other over time...so our unions are based on more than just deals.